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Leading Like a Monk: Becoming Friends With Ourselves

Leading Like a Monk: Becoming Friends With Ourselves

Last updated on: May 4, 2017 at 7:14 am by Greg Richardson

Leading Like a Monk: Becoming Friends With Ourselves 2017-05-04T07:14:07-08:00 Greg Richardson

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Are We Friends With Ourselves?

We have people live in constrained cells and limit the time they can spend outside them. They have plenty of time to reflect on what they have done, their regrets and memories. We allow them to read and think, but limit how they interact with other people. People spend long periods of time in silence with limited physical exercise. We meet their basic physical needs and try to remove as many distractions as possible.

Nothing in that paragraph indicates whether it describes inmates in solitary confinement or monks. It is ironic, though not surprising.

We have confined people by themselves as a way of punishing them for less than 200 years. The practice began in the United States as an alternative to public flogging and hanging. Members of the Friends and Calvinist churches in particular supported the practice. It was seem as a way for people to reflect on their misdeeds and restore their relationship with God.

Monastic life has been practiced much longer. Monks in the Christian tradition trace their history back to the time of Bible.

Why do we see such differences between solitary confinement and monastic life? Why does time in solitary confinement upset people, while monks seem so calm?

Do We Have a Choice?

One of the essential difference is that monks have choices and solitary inmates do not.

Becoming a monk is a long, thoughtful, discerning process. It is not an individual decision, but a commitment made with prayer and support. The call to monastic life is discerned over a period of time and is a community action. People cannot arbitrarily decide they will be part of the community. Each person discerns whether there is a good, strong fit.

Decisions about solitary confinement are made in a context of punishment. People violate the rules of an institution and they receive solitary confinement as a sanction. There is a general consensus that if you do the crime, you should do the time.

Monks Are Not Being Punished

Solitary confinement is a punishment. Regardless of its origins, it is not designed to help people become stronger or better. The people there are serving time, doing time. Their goal is to get out and leave. Solitary confinement is an interruption, an obstacle to be overcome.

Monks are committed to living monastic life and believe in the process. They practice solitude and silence as a way to release themselves from distractions and obstacles. Monks set themselves learning to let go.

In addition, monks do not see themselves as being alone.

Being Friends With Ourselves

People are often uncomfortable with themselves. We do not enjoy being quiet and listening to ourselves. Many of us crave the reassurance of being able to talk with someone.

We seem not to know ourselves very well and to be afraid to get to know ourselves more intimately.

Some people are uncomfortable with even a few minutes of quiet contemplation. When I tell people I am going on a silent retreat for a few days, they really freak out.

I can understand how people feel because I have felt that way myself. There was a time when I could not rest, when I needed to be busy with work. When I took time off, I would get sick. I was quite uncomfortable with who I thought I was.

Change is rarely easy or simple or immediate. Getting to know and understand ourselves is like getting to know and understand anyone else.

We need to spend some relaxed time with ourselves.

More Than We Expected

I think people can be uncomfortable with themselves because they are afraid they might be disappointed. We often fear we will not meet our own expectations, or those we have inherited.

Just like in our experience getting to know other people, we can surprise ourselves. We find our expectations may not be the best predictors of our experiences.

We may not be as bad or as boring as we thought we were.

Some people have been told as long as they can remember to work hard or sit up straight. They do not really know themselves through their own eyes, but through the expectations of others. As they take the risks involved in growing comfortable with themselves they meet someone new.

They do not meet the lazy person with poor posture they assumed they would. The selves they meet are more than they expected them to be.

Spending a little time with ourselves can be a fresh start for a beautiful friendship.

Building Deep Friendships With Ourselves

We have the same choice which faces monks and inmates in solitary confinement. Are we being punished, or are we open to becoming more comfortable with ourselves?

We get to know ourselves in the same ways we get to know other people. Friends are open to each other, asking questions. We are interested in their lives, their inner thoughts and feelings, their deepest desires. Friends take time to listen, without judgment and with caring affection.

There are deeply spiritual aspects of becoming friends with ourselves. If we believe love is Sacred and that we are loved, how can we treat ourselves differently? Building friendships with ourselves teaches us deep lessons about becoming friends with other people. Treating ourselves as friends helps us grow into the kind of people with whom other people want to be friends.

The friends who inspire me most do not necessarily share my opinions or outlook. They give me the benefit of the doubt, trusting in what they know of me.

My friends sometimes know my true self better than I do myself. We see what is deepest in each other. Together we build community rather than pushing each other into solitary confinement.

Spending time with my friends helps me learn how to spend time with myself well.

How will you grow more comfortable with your true self this week?

What are the ways in which you are not the person you expected yourself to be?

[Image by mike from aus]

Greg Richardson is a spiritual life mentor and leadership coach in Southern California. He is a recovering attorney and university professor, and a lay Oblate with New Camaldoli Hermitage near Big Sur, California. Greg’s website is StrategicMonk.com, and his email address is [email protected].

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