There is a thing that can happen when you\\u2019re chronically ill.<\\/h3>\\n There\\u2019s a moment when you just start ignoring your sickness. Because you\\u2019ve been told to ignore it so many times. Because you\\u2019ve been told you have to pray and ask Jesus why you go to the doctor so much, since it must be a psychological need you\\u2019re filling and not a real condition. Because you\\u2019ve been taunted for being a hypochondriac. Because, so many times, doctors and family and people you thought were your friends gaslight you and say there\\u2019s nothing wrong. And you\\u2019re so, so tired of nobody believing you, that you don\\u2019t believe you either.<\\/p>\\n You tell yourself you\\u2019re being precious and that it will go away on its own.<\\/p>\\n You find techniques to dissociate. You seek little places in your mind where the pain or the nausea or the fatigue isn\\u2019t. You live there. And when you feel a flare coming on, you go into a trance. And it almost works\\u2013 until it doesn\\u2019t. One of my chronic conditions is\\u2026. something the matter with my bowels. For a long time I had no diagnosis at all. Then I was diagnosed with severe irritable bowel syndrome.<\\/p>\\n Then, by trial and error because I\\u2019ve never passed a blood test for Celiac\\u2019s disease, I found that staying scrupulously gluten free for long enough made the agonizing intestinal spasms go away completely. I\\u2019m assumed to have non celiac gluten sensitivity now. But for several decades of my life, I would double over with sudden, unexplained, crippling bowel pain every so often for no reason. Nothing made it go away. No medication made the cramping stop. It just happened\\u2013 at a birthday party. While swimming. At Mass. While on a car trip with the next exit several minutes away. This was just one, extremely inconvenient, piece of my medical puzzle: that and the migraines, the anxiety and OCD, the weight gain, the chronic fatigue, the juvenile rheumatoid arthritis that made me limp when I was three years old and then went away mysteriously before Kindergarten. And people didn\\u2019t believe me.<\\/p>\\n

{"id":22938,"date":"2024-06-11T22:19:44","date_gmt":"2024-06-12T02:19:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/?p=22938"},"modified":"2024-06-11T22:19:44","modified_gmt":"2024-06-12T02:19:44","slug":"today-i-won-a-battle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/steelmagnificat\/2024\/06\/today-i-won-a-battle\/","title":{"rendered":"Today I Won a Battle"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

image via Pixabay<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>

\u00a0<\/p>\n

There is a thing that can happen when you\u2019re chronically ill.<\/h3>\n There\u2019s a moment when you just start ignoring your sickness. Because you\u2019ve been told to ignore it so many times. Because you\u2019ve been told you have to pray and ask Jesus why you go to the doctor so much, since it must be a psychological need you\u2019re filling and not a real condition. Because you\u2019ve been taunted for being a hypochondriac. Because, so many times, doctors and family and people you thought were your friends gaslight you and say there\u2019s nothing wrong. And you\u2019re so, so tired of nobody believing you, that you don\u2019t believe you either.<\/p>\n You tell yourself you\u2019re being precious and that it will go away on its own.<\/p>\n You find techniques to dissociate. You seek little places in your mind where the pain or the nausea or the fatigue isn\u2019t. You live there. And when you feel a flare coming on, you go into a trance. And it almost works\u2013 until it doesn\u2019t. One of my chronic conditions is\u2026. something the matter with my bowels. For a long time I had no diagnosis at all. Then I was diagnosed with severe irritable bowel syndrome.<\/p>\n Then, by trial and error because I\u2019ve never passed a blood test for Celiac\u2019s disease, I found that staying scrupulously gluten free for long enough made the agonizing intestinal spasms go away completely. I\u2019m assumed to have non celiac gluten sensitivity now. But for several decades of my life, I would double over with sudden, unexplained, crippling bowel pain every so often for no reason. Nothing made it go away. No medication made the cramping stop. It just happened\u2013 at a birthday party. While swimming. At Mass. While on a car trip with the next exit several minutes away. This was just one, extremely inconvenient, piece of my medical puzzle: that and the migraines, the anxiety and OCD, the weight gain, the chronic fatigue, the juvenile rheumatoid arthritis that made me limp when I was three years old and then went away mysteriously before Kindergarten. And people didn\u2019t believe me.<\/p>\n

Some people did believe me, to be fair, but others didn\u2019t.\u00a0I got called a hypochondriac. Worst of all, I was called a drama queen, doing it for attention. That stung.<\/h3>\n I started learning to live with the bowel pain without complaining: always keeping a plan of where the bathrooms were in a building so I could slip out. Spending a lot of time in bed, curled up like a shrimp with a pillow stuffed into the crampiest part of my abdomen, telling myself stories and praying. Bowel pain was just a part of life, one I tuned out as often as possible. I reminded myself that people wouldn\u2019t believe me and would make fun of me if I didn\u2019t ignore it. This is why, one night about seventeen years ago, I ignored agonizing lower abdominal pain on the right side, that side you\u2019re never supposed to ignore. I ignored it as I finished my studying for the day. I tried to ease it with a bath in the dormitory tub when I couldn\u2019t ignore it anymore. I curled up in the dorm bed and stuffed a pillow into the lower right quadrant, reminding myself over and over that it was not really anything to worry about; I was just being a hypochondriac and a drama queen. I tried to dissociate. I dissociated for about ten hours. Finally, just before dawn, I couldn\u2019t dissociate anymore.<\/p>\n When I woke up from the anesthesia later that day, the first thing I did was cry, not in pain but in terror. \u201cWas it really appendicitis? Did I really have appendicitis? I\u2019m just so afraid I was faking for attention!\u201d<\/p>\n The nurse was baffled. This was, apparently, not a normal thing to cry when waking up from emergency surgery for a ruptured appendix. But it was a normal thing for me to think.<\/p>\n Six months later, when the volvulus happened and my illeum started to die, I gaslit myself again. I took Gas-X and stayed in bed for a day and a half, telling myself it would go away in time. Then I went to the emergency room and they gaslit me, because I\u2019d already had my appendix out and it sounded like a case for my family doctor. I tried to sob that the pain was unbearable, but the gruff ER doctor didn\u2019t listen. That\u2019s still a very traumatic memory. Eventually the pain and vomiting got so severe that the next doctor on shift admitted me for observation, but it was days before I got a diagnosis\u2013 a dire one, explained to me while they readied an operating room and a nurse crammed a plastic tube up my nose. When I woke up from that surgery, I found I\u2019d had eight inches of dead gut cut out and a thick gash from my pelvis to my breastbone. The surgeon had no idea why I wasn\u2019t dead.<\/p>\n Last Thursday, I came down with something<\/a>. I had terrible nausea and also the runs\u2013 back and forth to the toilet every two hours, mild cramps, terrible exhaustion, constant thirst. The fever went away after the first day, but the runs and the cramping didn\u2019t. The fatigue didn\u2019t.\u00a0Over-the-counter remedies didn\u2019t touch it. I nibbled bananas and drank electrolytes, but it didn\u2019t go away.<\/p>\n I kept telling myself I\u2019d be better in a day or two and I should stop being a baby, but that didn\u2019t work.<\/p>\n I finally turned myself in to the emergency room on Tuesday afternoon.<\/strong><\/p>\n I was going to go to the urgent care clinic, but I was so dizzy that the long drive didn\u2019t feel safe.<\/p>\n The wave of emotion hit me when the smell of the triage room did. They crashed at the same time: the scent of antiseptic and the shudder of fear. The cold of the nurse\u2019s forehead thermometer and the cold of my shame. I felt that I was being a baby, and no one would believe me because I was making it up.\u00a0 But I also felt as though I might be dying, and maybe this time my number was up. Maybe this is the time no one would believe me until it was too late.<\/p>\n Those were the two snakes that kept twisting in my chest as I waited for the doctor: the one who thought I was faking for attention and ought to suppress it harder. And the one who thought this was dead serious, but no one would believe me, and I\u2019d die.<\/p>\n The doctor heard \u201cvolvulus\u201d and decided to run a CAT scan, in addition to all my blood tests, just in case. He palpated my scarred and swollen belly, and I tried not to shudder visibly.<\/p>\n The nurse who took the blood and put in the IV was friendly, but I felt as though she was interrogating me for my trial.<\/p>\n The people in the scan room were very pleasant. I didn\u2019t have to drink a bottle of contrast; they put it straight into my IV, which burned nastily for a minute and then made my body feel warm. I obeyed the computerized voice ordering me to hold my breath and let it out. I stared up at the beige plastic arc as if it was a six-winged and many-eyed seraph hovering between me and Paradise. Please, let them find something. Don\u2019t let them tell me I\u2019m making it up.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n And I wasn\u2019t making it up.<\/p>\n My blood work was normal, but the CAT scan found colitis\u2013 not ulcerative colitis, as far as we know, which is a chronic illness; just plain old colitis, swelling of the colon. My large intestine is swelling up in one place. That\u2019s what\u2019s causing the sickness. I\u2019ll be on antibiotics for a few days, and follow up with a GI if that doesn\u2019t clear it up.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t know if the big smile I gave the doctor alarmed him. It\u2019s probably not the way he\u2019s used to seeing people react, when they\u2019re told they need antibiotics. But I was so happy. I\u2019d convinced myself to ask for help, asked for help, and gotten help, all in the same day, without a catastrophe.<\/p>\n That\u2019s a little battle I won today.<\/p>\n I am feeling better already.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \n \n \n Mary Pezzulo is the author of\u00a0Meditations on the Way of the Cross,\u00a0<\/a>The Sorrows an<\/a>d Joys of Mary<\/a>, and\u00a0Stumbling into Grace: How We Meet God in Tiny Works of Mercy.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n Steel Magnificat operates almost entirely on tips. To tip the author, donate to \u201cThe Little Portion\u201d on\u00a0paypal<\/a>\u00a0or Mary Pezzulo on\u00a0venmo<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n <\/div>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"* ***\u00a0 There is a thing that can happen when you\u2019re chronically ill. There\u2019s a moment when you just start ignoring your sickness. Because you\u2019ve been told to ignore it so many times. Because you\u2019ve been told you have to pray and ask Jesus why you go to the doctor so much, since it must be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2694,"featured_media":22941,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[791,872,2425,3109,15315,257],"class_list":["post-22938","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-chronic-illness","tag-gaslighting","tag-hospital","tag-ibs","tag-medical-ptsd","tag-trauma"],"yoast_head":"\nToday I Won a Battle<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I don't know if the big smile I gave the doctor alarmed him. It's probably not the way he's used to seeing people react, when they're told they need antibiotics. 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