Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Catholic
Home and Religion
A Creature that Makes its Own Light

A Creature that Makes its Own Light

Last updated on: November 15, 2023 at 9:01 pm by Mary Pezzulo

0 Comments

A Creature that Makes its Own Light 2023-11-15T21:01:14-04:00 Mary Pezzulo

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

We’ve been going for drives.

Adrienne sits in the front seat so she can chat with me, and I drive up and down the back country roads, admiring nature.

Fall is the loveliest season in Northern Appalachia. I can’t imagine anything more beautiful than a twisting road around a shale cliff, splashed with every shade of warm color under a piercing blue sky. But the fall is almost spent now, and most of the color is gone. There are leaves on the ground, raked into piles or left where they fell. There are hardly any leaves in the trees.

Now that the clocks were set back, there’s precious little daylight after school. We’ve found ourselves going for drives in twilight, when the sky goes from blue to white to orange and then black. It’s not a good way to admire what color is left on the trees. But one by one, the houses on the country roads are already beginning to put out their Christmas lights, so we admire those instead.

I used to think it was tacky to put out your Christmas lights before December, but I am converted now. Now I appreciate the people who put out Christmas lights as soon as the Halloween things are taken down. As soon as the natural color fades away, humans devise artificial color. As soon as the sunlight abandons us, we begin to make our own light.

A human being is a creature who fights against the rhythms of nature in this way, by creating light and color to protest that the light and color have disappeared.

November is also the time for white tailed deer.

I don’t know why it’s the time of year we see them most often in Northern Appalachia. I don’t know very much about the life cycle of white tailed deer. I think they’re fattening up for the cold. Their sides are soft and round, not bony like in the summer, and they are not afraid of a passing vehicle. They look up as we drive by, cautious but unalarmed– sometimes people bring them buckets of cracked corn to feed them, after all. Some deer get so used to people that they walk up, expecting a treat.

Their lack of fear will be the white tailed deer’s downfall. It will be hunting season soon. Hunters will come in from other parts of the world, looking for a trophy, and the deer will die. The Appalachian hunters who live here year round will stock their freezers with venison to last until next November, and their families will eat no matter how hard times get.

A human being is a creature who admires other animals, and also feeds and cares for them, and also kills and eats them.

There’s a place on our favorite winding road where I drive past a church dedicated to Our Lady of Lourdes, and I cringe. Just seeing the name on the kiosk reminds me of all those years wasted, trying to be a good Catholic saint instead of whatever it is that I am. The abusive, life-destroying sect known as the Charismatic Renewal. Losing everything at Franciscan University. Tying so hard to be a good Catholic mother, the PCOS murdering my chances for a great big happy brood of children, the autism making it impossible to be sociable with the Catholic in-crowd. The loneliness and religious trauma getting worse and worse and then the horrible revelations all around Steubenville: the cold realization that the corner of the Catholic Church I belonged to was an abusive cult, Father Mike Scanlan and his proteges are monsters rather than saints, and I was hurting myself for nothing all that time. And then I gave up on being a good person. I decided to be myself instead.

A human being is a creature who wonders whether she is a good person.

A human being is a creature who lives in the suspense that she might not be a good person.

A human being is a creature who comes out to the Ohio Valley on a quest to be a saint. Her lack of caution with people she was told would feed her soul is her downfall. Everything she does goes wrong. She ruins her whole life, but somewhere along the way she has the most wonderful child. Next thing she knows, the child is a young woman and they are driving around Northern Appalachia together, watching the color fade and new color rise up to take its place. She finds she likes the place where she is.

She loses the color and light in her life, and finds a way to bring it back.

She feels she’s lost Christ entirely, for a season, and now she feels as if she’s getting Him back. He is different and better than she thought.

She is happy, or nearly.

It’s going to be all right.

Mary Pezzulo is the author of Meditations on the Way of the Cross, The Sorrows an d Joys of Mary, and Stumbling into Grace: How We Meet God in Tiny Works of Mercy.

Steel Magnificat operates almost entirely on tips. To tip the author, visit our donate page.

Home and Religion

Appalachia

Previous Post

November 14, 2023

An Awkward Request Ahead of the Holidays

Next Post

November 16, 2023 Dear Gen Z: Bin Laden Was A Bad Person

Recent Comments

0 | Leave a Comment

"Thank you for bringing so much goodness into the lives of so many children.Ran across ..."

alwayspuzzled

The Passion of the Red Oak

"This current administration has had me reflecting on the Nuremberg trials and the like, for ..."

axelbeingcivil

On Traditionalist Bullies, and the Death ..."

"You're talking about supercessionism, the idea that Christians "replace" the covenant that the Jewish people ..."

Alex

Yes, the Old Testament is About ..."

"Oh I'm sure it did."

Mary

A Televised Execution is a Moral, ..."

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category abortion Abuse Advent America American Christianity angel angels Annunciation Appalachia apparition apparition chaser apparition chasers apparition culture art art review babies baby baby Jesus Bad Lip Reading bad statue contest bath beauty Bible story blog blogkeeping blood book review Brandon Sanderson breastfeeding bus Catholic catholic conspiracy alarmism Catholic Oppositional Disorder Charismatic Renewal Charlie the Cat chastity Christ Christian idenitity Christianity and Judaism Chronic Illness clean clothing COD piece comedy compassion conscience conspiracy theory conversion cop-on-black violence Crucifixion cry of the poor culture Daesh Daily Saints death death penalty devotional diaconate diaper diapers dirty disability Donald Trump Dorothy Day dream drugs Eastern Catholicism Eastern Christianity education election election update Elsewhere on Patheos empathy environment Fear feminism film review fish flashback fluffy buns food Franciscan University of Steubenville Friendship Room fun Gabriel gardening gospel hair-splitting Heaven hell heresy Hillary Clinton history Holly the Witch Holy Spirit holy war Homeschooling homosexuality horror human dignity humor Icon idol immigrants infection inter-religious dialogue Interpretation of Scripture Islam Jesus Jihad Joseph joy laity and lay vocations lamb dinner laundry lent lgbtq literature love manners Mary Medicine and Science Meditation mercy mess milk misogyny Missouri monasticism monster motherhood mourn with those mourn movies movis music mystery nature neurodiversity New Pro-Life Movement news nonsense nostalgia O antiphons obituary objectification Ohio Valley Ordinary Time ordination Ordo Amoris parable paradox Passover peanut butter personal beliefs pets philosophy Planet Charismatic poetry politics polls poop Pope Francis Pope Leo power in the Church prayer prayer request prayers preferential option for non-violence president presidential election priest primary private revelation pro-life prophecy Public face of Catholicism Pure Flix Q and A race racism random rape rape. sexuality reader's request Reckoners refugee religious trauma ressurrection Right to life Saints saints and celebrations same-sex same-sex marriage satire scandal secular feasts seder Seven Joys Seven Last Words sex sexual ethics sexuality silencing six months skid row slavery social justice Speculative fiction spiritual abuse spoon stain story suffering suffrage suffragette Sunday Gospel temple Tenebrae Responsories Terror the exorcist The Friendship Room The New Pro-Life Movement Things I Learned on the Internet tin cup traffic true story tv review Uncategorized USCCB vice and temptation violence Virtue virtue and vice war Way of the Cross whimsy whole life women's ordination work of mercy Year A

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

According to Hebrews, without what is it impossible to please God?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Faith Obedience Love Sacrifice