Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Catholic
Recreation, Outdoors and Religion
Let’s Say That I Prayed

Let’s Say That I Prayed

Last updated on: October 5, 2023 at 10:27 pm by Mary Pezzulo

0 Comments

Let’s Say That I Prayed 2023-10-05T22:27:36-04:00 Mary Pezzulo

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

a blue heron in flight

image via Pixabay

Let’s say that I’ve been praying.

Let’s say that I can’t be 100% sure that there’s a God at all, but I want there to be one, and I hope there is one, and I hope that that God is a God of Justice.

Let’s say that I’ve chosen to believe in justice to the very hilt, and I’ve decided that that means a God of Justice can’t be very angry with a person who’s been severely hurt by a church, whether it’s the church God founded or one God didn’t intend at all or maybe just a truly ungodly sect in the Church He founded. So I’ve been telling that God how I feel.

Let’s say that every day I’ve been praying, “God the Father of Heaven, Creator of the world, I am trying to forgive you for creating me. Please don’t hurt me. God the Son, Redeemer of the World, I am trying to forgive you for being the reason I’m in pain. Please don’t hurt me. God the Holy Ghost, I am so afraid of you I don’t know what to say.”

Let’s say God hears me and doesn’t seem to object. He isn’t speaking in His own defense right now either; He’s just listening. He hasn’t sent a lightning bolt yet. So I keep talking.

Let’s say I tried to go to Mass last Sunday, and I spent a little time in the foyer listening until the panic started, and then I spent the rest of the liturgy outside on the porch, leaning on the window. There’s a picture of the Virgin Mary on the front door of that church, and every single time somebody opened the door, it looked like the Virgin Mary was walking toward me, and I cringed away.

I went on another hike the other day. Let’s say God was with me as I hiked around the lake. He might not have been, but let’s say He was. I choose to imagine that when I stopped to take a photo of the blue heron and the heron spread her wings and flew off low across the water, that was a gift from Him to make me feel loved. I choose to believe that when the blue jay dipped low across my path it happened because God remembered how much I love corvids. I will work with the hypothesis that when I looked up and saw a light-colored hawk circling overhead with a flock of black turkey vultures, that was a sign. It felt like it was.

I sat in a shelter house a ways down the path, where the rocks all around were muffled in thick green moss, and pretended I was in Rivendell again. I tried to picture myself as that svelte Tolkein elf I’ve been pretending to be since I was twelve, and God the Father sitting across the picnic bench in front of me, looking like Elrond. I told him all of my troubles and how betrayed I felt while he held my hand.

I hope it was really God.

That night, the night before Saint Francis’s feast day, I tried to pray again, and I prayed with Saint Francis.

Maybe I was just a pathetic lonely woman who’s been duped by a cult, talking to myself in bed before I fell asleep, but I tried to talk to Saint Francis. I told him I don’t know why I’m still speaking to him, after all that’s been done in this terrible town in his name. Couldn’t he get control of his children?

I imagined him saying “I don’t know them,” and it made me feel better.

I started to imagine that he and I were in that basement from my silly nightmare with the dying hart. It’s less lonely to be in that place when you have a saint with you. He and I squeezed through the bars and went to try the sinks– this time there was a little water, and I gave the hart a drink.

Let’s say that, at that point, something occurred to me.

I’m not saying that God spoke. It was probably my imagination.

But let’s imagine that He spoke.

Let’s imagine that He reminded me of all that I’ve learned about the heresy I call American Christianity. Let’s say that He reminded me, “not everyone who says to me, Lord, Lord, will enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” Talking about Jesus a lot, going into paroxysms when they play the Praise and Worship music, having a Saint Francis bird bath and a lawn statue of Our Lady of Grace, having a good time at Mass, these are not marks of sanctity. Sanctity is something else entirely. Sanctity doesn’t look like the outward appearance of sanctity. Mike Scanlan and his cronies had the outward appearance of sanctity down to a science, after all, and they were monsters. Sanctity looks more like day-to-day life, with God in it.

Let’s say that I remembered the saying of another great saint: “To come to what you do not enjoy now, you have to go where you do not enjoy. To reach what you do not know, you have to go through where you do not know. To reach possession of what you do not have, you have to go through where you have nothing now. To reach what you are not, you have to go through where you are not now.”

Going through a place of not knowing might well be part of the process. It might be something that’s supposed to happen.

If I am ever going to be Christian, really Christian, not an American Christian and not a member of the cult known as the Charismatic Renewal but a follower of Christ, I’m going to have to do things entirely differently than I was taught. I don’t know what the result will look like.

Maybe it’s not wrong that I am where I am right now.

Maybe this is the only way I can get to anywhere else.

Mary Pezzulo is the author of Meditations on the Way of the Cross and Stumbling into Grace: How We Meet God in Tiny Works of Mercy.
Steel Magnificat operates almost entirely on tips. To tip the author, visit our donate page.

Recreation, Outdoors and Religion

American Christianity

nature

dark night of the soul

Previous Post

October 5, 2023

The Price of an Onion

Next Post

October 9, 2023 A Word on the War in Israel

Recent Comments

0 | Leave a Comment

"This current administration has had me reflecting on the Nuremberg trials and the like, for ..."

axelbeingcivil

On Traditionalist Bullies, and the Death ..."

"You're talking about supercessionism, the idea that Christians "replace" the covenant that the Jewish people ..."

Alex

Yes, the Old Testament is About ..."

"Oh I'm sure it did."

Mary

A Televised Execution is a Moral, ..."

"For what its worth, it seems like the whole thing originated from Pete Hegsith speaking ..."

Evil-Striker

A Televised Execution is a Moral, ..."

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category abortion Abuse Advent America American Christianity angel angels Annunciation Appalachia apparition apparition chaser apparition chasers apparition culture art art review babies baby baby Jesus Bad Lip Reading bad statue contest bath beauty Bible story blog blogkeeping blood book review Brandon Sanderson breastfeeding bus Catholic catholic conspiracy alarmism Catholic Oppositional Disorder Charismatic Renewal Charlie the Cat chastity Christ Christian idenitity Christianity and Judaism Chronic Illness clean clothing COD piece comedy compassion conscience conspiracy theory conversion cop-on-black violence Crucifixion cry of the poor culture Daesh Daily Saints death death penalty devotional diaconate diaper diapers dirty disability Donald Trump Dorothy Day dream drugs Eastern Catholicism Eastern Christianity education election election update Elsewhere on Patheos empathy environment Fear feminism film review fish flashback fluffy buns food Franciscan University of Steubenville Friendship Room fun Gabriel gardening gospel hair-splitting Heaven hell heresy Hillary Clinton history Holly the Witch Holy Spirit holy war Homeschooling homosexuality horror human dignity humor Icon idol immigrants infection inter-religious dialogue Interpretation of Scripture Islam Jesus Jihad Joseph joy laity and lay vocations lamb dinner laundry lent lgbtq literature love manners Mary Medicine and Science Meditation mercy mess milk misogyny Missouri monasticism monster motherhood mourn with those mourn movies movis music mystery nature neurodiversity New Pro-Life Movement news nonsense nostalgia O antiphons obituary objectification Ohio Valley Ordinary Time ordination Ordo Amoris parable paradox Passover peanut butter personal beliefs pets philosophy Planet Charismatic poetry politics polls poop Pope Francis Pope Leo power in the Church prayer prayer request prayers preferential option for non-violence president presidential election priest primary private revelation pro-life prophecy Public face of Catholicism Pure Flix Q and A race racism random rape rape. sexuality reader's request Reckoners refugee religious trauma ressurrection Right to life Saints saints and celebrations same-sex same-sex marriage satire scandal secular feasts seder Seven Joys Seven Last Words sex sexual ethics sexuality silencing six months skid row slavery social justice Speculative fiction spiritual abuse spoon stain story suffering suffrage suffragette Sunday Gospel temple Tenebrae Responsories Terror the exorcist The Friendship Room The New Pro-Life Movement Things I Learned on the Internet tin cup traffic true story tv review Uncategorized USCCB vice and temptation violence Virtue virtue and vice war Way of the Cross whimsy whole life women's ordination work of mercy Year A

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

True or False: Hebrews teaches that Jesus is the mediator of a new covenant.

Select your answer to see how you score.

FALSE TRUE