Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Catholic
Food and Religion
A Fast Day and a Dying Hart

A Fast Day and a Dying Hart

Last updated on: February 22, 2023 at 5:18 pm by Mary Pezzulo

0 Comments

A Fast Day and a Dying Hart 2023-02-22T17:18:10-04:00 Mary Pezzulo

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I thought last night about my dream of the suffering hart, the one I told you about this week— the very silly nightmare my brain conjured up out of random religious images, that I realized was a great illustration of my trauma and of how I’m learning to think about Christ. I’ve been using that image of Christ as a hart, a giant male red deer, locked up in a basement as a meditation prompt, because it speaks to me. I like to go for hikes so I like watching deer. I hated my Catholic school so my idea of a bad broken place is a dirty school bathroom. That’s the way I’m praying right now. I would never in a million years tell you you had to pray this way. You do what works for you.

I felt I had to get that disclaimer out of the way before I described how my first day of Lent is going. It’s not going to make any sense if I don’t.

I’ve set my theme for Lent: invitation and accompaniment. Jesus can invite me and I’d love to come along, but I won’t jump through a hoop to avoid a punishment anymore. Jesus can suffer here with me and I will be glad to see Him.

I’ve tried to pray by meditating on images of Christ that don’t trigger me or make me have a panic attack. Sometimes I talk to Him on the cross, an abuse victim, a traumatized person like me. Most often, lately, I imagine Him as that dying hart trapped in that terrible makeshift jail cell from my nightmare. I tried to imagine myself going into the filthy bathroom, trying the sinks to get Him a little water, something like that. But last night, as I meditated, all I saw in my mind’s eye was a new set of bars across the door, with a mesh of metal wire stretched between the bars, and I shuddered. I tried to imagine the bars opening, or being strong enough to bend them and tear the mesh, but I couldn’t. No matter what I did to envision that, it didn’t take. I asked the hart what I’d done to earn the new set of bars and what penance I could do to get them off again, but He didn’t answer. So I just reached a finger through the mesh and petted Him on the head, and told Him how I felt.

I fell asleep contemplating that image, the bars separating me from the hart. It wasn’t a very nice way to fall asleep.

I woke up on Ash Wednesday and immediately started to panic about breakfast. I have to stay strictly in ketosis most of the time to control my PCOS. No more than twenty net carbohydrates– that’s grams of carbohydrate minus the grams of fiber and of sugar alcohols. Between a hundred and a hundred twenty grams of protein, depending on how much exercise I get. A hundred and sixty grams of fat or so, and keep as much of it as possible “good” fat from avocadoes and almonds and salmon and such instead of the less nutritious kind. That plus progesterone if my cycles go too long is the only treatment that has even budged my symptoms. I eventually get disabled by severe fatigue if I take more than one cheat day every so often. Each morning I have coffee with whipping cream and a scoop of bovine collagen plus two bare hamburger patties, broiled. That keeps me going until late afternoon.

I knew, intellectually, that the Catholic rules for a day of fast and abstinence didn’t apply to me. Sick people are always exempt from fasting and abstinence. Bovine collagen doesn’t even count as “meat” because it dissolves in water and doesn’t taste like meat. But I balked. I wanted to follow the rules so I wouldn’t be in trouble. On pain of mortal sin, I was only to eat one normal-sized meal and two little snacks today, with no other solid food between times, and no meat but only fish.

Of course, that’s not really what canon law says about a fast day, as has been pointed out. It’s more like “eat only one meal, but you may take a little food in the morning and the evening to maintain strength,” on pain of sin.

How is that fair?

How is that a rule?

“The library books are due before the close of the library, at any branch of your local library system, twenty-one days after checkout” is a rule. “Try and bring the books back soon as you can” isn’t a rule.

“The speed limit is thirty-five miles per hour, with no penalty if you drive under thirty-nine and a fine of so many dollars if you drive forty” is a rule. “Don’t drive too fast or we’ll hurt you” is not a rule.

“Eat up to six fish sticks but don’t you dare eat a seventh or you’ll burn in hell” would be a rule. “you may take a little food to maintain strength” isn’t a rule.

And it’s certainly not a mortal sin. A hamburger patty isn’t grave matter unless you beat someone to death with it. The very idea is spiritually abusive in the extreme. If you’re going to condemn somebody to hell for stepping outside the line, the line had better be drawn in the brightest possible color and there’d better be a very good reason to draw it. If God is going to turn from Doctor Jeckyll the Good Shepherd into Mr. Hyde the sadistic emperor, I’ll need to know exactly what to do to keep him from going that way. “take a little food” isn’t a rule. Tell me how many net carbs I can eat to stay in spiritual ketosis and avoid a spiritual blood sugar spike.

I ate some scrambled eggs cooked in butter, instead of my usual beef, wondering how many eggs would constitute a mortal sin. The eggs weren’t nearly as filling as my usual breakfast and now I’m hungry again.

I was too terrified to go to a Mass and get ashes smudged on my face, with the anxiety I’ve been having lately. I don’t know when I can stop having panic attacks and see the sacraments as something nonthreatening. I would like to, but I can’t right now. My brain just doesn’t go there. And I’m going to continue to ignore people who peskily keep telling me “just forget about ritual and fasting and liturgy and only do nice things for the poor,” because I’m already trying to do that as hard as I can. That’s not a religious practice, that’s one single vital and unavoidable piece of a religious practice. I want a whole religious practice.

Somewhere along the line today, I remembered that this Lent is about invitation and accompaniment. I have decided not to worry about mortal sin. I’m going to pretend mortal sin doesn’t exist and do things that bring me closer to Christ instead. The Church is an abusive mother who makes up cruel rules, but every spiritual experience I’ve ever had tells me that the actual theology she taught me is solid. Christ exists, Christ is love, and I’m going to let Christ be with me and see what happens.

I think I can see that hart in my mind’s eye again.

I think the weave of the mesh on the door is a little looser. I can reach my whole hand through. You can’t exactly hold hands with a deer, but I tried anyway just now, and holding onto one shank felt right.

That’s the first day of my Lent this year.

We’ll just have to see where we go from here.

Mary Pezzulo is the author of Meditations on the Way of the Cross, The Sorrows and Joys of Mary, and Stumbling into Grace: How We Meet God in Tiny Works of Mercy.

Steel Magnificat operates almost entirely on tips. To tip the author, visit our donate page.

Food and Religion

lent

spiritual abuse

Previous Post

February 21, 2023

The Hiding Trees

Next Post

February 22, 2023 For You Are Dust

Recent Comments

0 | Leave a Comment

"Thank you for bringing so much goodness into the lives of so many children.Ran across ..."

alwayspuzzled

The Passion of the Red Oak

"This current administration has had me reflecting on the Nuremberg trials and the like, for ..."

axelbeingcivil

On Traditionalist Bullies, and the Death ..."

"You're talking about supercessionism, the idea that Christians "replace" the covenant that the Jewish people ..."

Alex

Yes, the Old Testament is About ..."

"Oh I'm sure it did."

Mary

A Televised Execution is a Moral, ..."

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category abortion Abuse Advent America American Christianity angel angels Annunciation Appalachia apparition apparition chaser apparition chasers apparition culture art art review babies baby baby Jesus Bad Lip Reading bad statue contest bath beauty Bible story blog blogkeeping blood book review Brandon Sanderson breastfeeding bus Catholic catholic conspiracy alarmism Catholic Oppositional Disorder Charismatic Renewal Charlie the Cat chastity Christ Christian idenitity Christianity and Judaism Chronic Illness clean clothing COD piece comedy compassion conscience conspiracy theory conversion cop-on-black violence Crucifixion cry of the poor culture Daesh Daily Saints death death penalty devotional diaconate diaper diapers dirty disability Donald Trump Dorothy Day dream drugs Eastern Catholicism Eastern Christianity education election election update Elsewhere on Patheos empathy environment Fear feminism film review fish flashback fluffy buns food Franciscan University of Steubenville Friendship Room fun Gabriel gardening gospel hair-splitting Heaven hell heresy Hillary Clinton history Holly the Witch Holy Spirit holy war Homeschooling homosexuality horror human dignity humor Icon idol immigrants infection inter-religious dialogue Interpretation of Scripture Islam Jesus Jihad Joseph joy laity and lay vocations lamb dinner laundry lent lgbtq literature love manners Mary Medicine and Science Meditation mercy mess milk misogyny Missouri monasticism monster motherhood mourn with those mourn movies movis music mystery nature neurodiversity New Pro-Life Movement news nonsense nostalgia O antiphons obituary objectification Ohio Valley Ordinary Time ordination Ordo Amoris parable paradox Passover peanut butter personal beliefs pets philosophy Planet Charismatic poetry politics polls poop Pope Francis Pope Leo power in the Church prayer prayer request prayers preferential option for non-violence president presidential election priest primary private revelation pro-life prophecy Public face of Catholicism Pure Flix Q and A race racism random rape rape. sexuality reader's request Reckoners refugee religious trauma ressurrection Right to life Saints saints and celebrations same-sex same-sex marriage satire scandal secular feasts seder Seven Joys Seven Last Words sex sexual ethics sexuality silencing six months skid row slavery social justice Speculative fiction spiritual abuse spoon stain story suffering suffrage suffragette Sunday Gospel temple Tenebrae Responsories Terror the exorcist The Friendship Room The New Pro-Life Movement Things I Learned on the Internet tin cup traffic true story tv review Uncategorized USCCB vice and temptation violence Virtue virtue and vice war Way of the Cross whimsy whole life women's ordination work of mercy Year A

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What is the main point of the Parable of the Persistent Widow?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Give money generously Pray and don't give up Obey the law Avoid judges