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On Exodus 90 and the Question of Spousal Rape

On Exodus 90 and the Question of Spousal Rape

Last updated on: January 11, 2023 at 3:50 pm by Mary Pezzulo

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On Exodus 90 and the Question of Spousal Rape 2023-01-11T15:50:41-04:00 Mary Pezzulo

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Yesterday, my social media was flooded with a barrage of outrage over an outfit called Exodus 90.

What is Exodus 90?

As far as I can tell, Exodus 90 is the kind of thing I would have thought was cool back when I went to Franciscan University. It’s an app you can download to your phone for a fee, which guides you through 90 days of prayer and asceticism. There are requirements for what not to eat and drink, requirements to fast from television and video games, requirements for prayer and for vigorous exercise. It looks kind of like Noom only with Bible reading. Apparently the whole thing is supposed to start ninety days before Easter, like a sort of extra-long Lent. And the program is marketed only to men. I don’t know what about the program is unsuitable for anybody else, but it’s one of the many products aimed at the “male Catholics concerned that they aren’t masculine enough” demographic.

I have never understood that demographic, personally.

Jesus was secure in his masculinity: so much so that he hung out with women when his culture frowned on that, defended women in in danger, described himself as a mother hen and took his mom as a plus one to a wedding. Why can’t men just look to Jesus? Why do they need trendy apps and programs to make them feel like men? I’ve never needed an app to tell me how to be a woman. I think everyone should be the human they are, in Christ, and not worry about whether they’re masculine or feminine enough.

But in any case, Exodus 90 is a thing that exists. Tracking your fasting and Bible reading and such with an app might be helpful for people.

What concerns me, and what fueled the evening of outrage on Twitter, is a piece of advice that was apparently up on their website until at least 2020. That piece of advice surfaced this week; it was screenshotted and shared by Christine Rousselle. It is an answer from the Frequently Asked Questions section, written by Nathanial Binversie, and it says: “Do I have to give up sex for 90 days? Are you married? If you are not married, then yes. In fact you have the status and privilege to abstain from sex all the way up until you are married. Contrary to popular belief, that’s a gift. If you are a married man, then no, you do not have to give up sex for 90 days. We encourage chaste and proper marital relations between a monogamous, married, man and woman. If you struggle with having too much sex or with forcing your wife to have sex with you, bring this to the Lord during a few of your daily holy hours. This spiritual exercise is here to open you to God’s grace. His grace will aid you in self-mastery and self-discipline, and selflessness. All these things will help you in approaching sex within marriage in a new and chaste way.”

This answer has been replaced with a new answer from Stephen Zepp, which starts out with the same two paragraphs and then goes on in a totally different way, not mentioning rape.

Which is what forcing your wife to have sex with you is, just so we’re clear. It’s rape.

No man has the right to force himself on anybody. Doing so is not only a mortal sin but a crime. If you raped someone, you don’t need to “bring it to the Lord during a few of your daily holy hours,” you need to be in prison and never go within a thousand feet of a school. And it is extremely disturbing that anybody claiming to help men be men would act like rape was a private matter for prayer and reflection instead of something else.

I am glad that Exodus 90 changed the answer to that question. I am deeply concerned that they never seem to have publicly addressed the change or done anything to make up for having been so glib about spousal rape. Maybe I just don’t see it, but I can’t find a retraction anywhere. I looked at their website. I don’t see anything in their blog section about it, it’s mostly just vegetarian recipes. I googled “Exodus 90 rape” and nothing came up. I scrolled all the way down their Facebook page to see if they’d ever made a public retraction and apology, but my page crashed when I got all the way down to June of 2021. So maybe I’m just missing something, but I don’t see it there. To me, this is the kind of thing you need to make a big deal about distancing yourself from, and they don’t seem to have done that. As far as I can tell, Nathaniel Binversie still works for Exodus 90 as the “head of events and experiences,” he’s written a blog post for them on how to talk to your wife, and that’s disturbing. A man who would write about rape like that ought not to work at an endeavor like this.

Exodus 90’s Twitter page is not shy about popping up in your mentions when you’ve tweeted about them. They did answer Christine Rousselle when she first tweeted the screenshot, saying “We’re sorry about this, @crousselle.It was wrong when it was posted, which is why we removed it a few years ago. If you’re open to a conversation with our leadership, we’d like to hear more of your thoughts and learn from this.” And that’s a start. But when she asked when it was removed, they declined to answer. The question has been sitting there with no replies for twenty-two hours now. That is the last tweet they’ve made as of the time I’m writing this, almost two o’clock on Wednesday afternoon.

There is a nasty troll in Christine’s mentions calling her names right now.

And I do not see Exodus 90 replying to them with “Leave her alone and don’t be gross, this is our mistake and she was right to voice her concerns.”

I’m the last person to talk to about how to be a man. And I’m not putting myself forth as an expert in Catholicism either. But if I had to list traits of a good and masculine faithful Catholic man, being able to respectfully answer a lady’s concerns would be at the top of the list. Defending her from gross men in her mentions would be essential as well. And owning up and taking your L’s when you’ve made a mistake would be a must.

Of course, I think faithful Catholic men should have found out that rape is more than an embarrassing vice to take to the Lord in prayer sometime before 2020. And I would venture to suggest that if you want advice about how to be a faithful Catholic man, you should go to someone a little more mature than this.

But that’s just my opinion as a woman, so what would I know?

Mary Pezzulo is the author of Meditations on the Way of the Cross, The Sorrows and Joys of Mary, and Stumbling into Grace: How We Meet God in Tiny Works of Mercy.

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