Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Catholic
Food and Religion
The Darkness Over the Deep

The Darkness Over the Deep

Last updated on: November 16, 2022 at 3:22 pm by Mary Pezzulo

The Darkness Over the Deep 2022-11-16T15:22:50-04:00 Mary Pezzulo

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I woke up Monday morning to a gray, flat world. The first half of the month had been so warm and sunny, you could believe fall was going to run straight into Christmas without the usual ugly overture. But here it was: an Appalachian November, colorless, shades of blue-gray whipped up like a fingerpainting in the sky, the earth a mass of musty gray-brown. My depression and anxiety tickled my stomach so I couldn’t eat breakfast.

In the beginning, when God created the Heavens and the Earth, the Earth was a formless waste, and darkness was over the surface of the deep. You can believe that if you live in Appalachia in November.

I decided to run an errand I’d been putting off. I had some food for the Friendship Room, and the bag was getting heavy.

This is the wager I’ve made: If there is no god, I’ll do whatever I think will make the world a little better, because if the world is all we have, it must be very important. If God is Love, I will find God in trying to love people. If the god of the Charismatic Renewal is real, I will do nothing just to appease him. He isn’t worth my time. This is the way I try to live my life. And I think that both the God of Love and the world with no god at all approve of mutual aid for your neighbor.

What with the fiasco of having to replace the car, that we haven’t been able to help them lately, and I hate that. It used to be the only joy I had. But as we bought groceries for ourselves, we broke off a piece here and there for the pantry: buying five cans of tuna when we needed four, and putting one can in the bag by the front door. Buying a package of dehydrated potato flakes when we ran down that aisle to get Adrienne’s gluten free pasta, and putting the potato flakes in the bag by the door. Buying a can of mushroom soup for the pantry when we bought chicken broth for our own recipes, and putting that in the bag. On Halloween, we sorted out all the candy we got that looked tasty but had allergens we couldn’t eat, and put that in the bag as well. And now the bag was finally full.

If the God of Love is real, then this is a bag of gifts for Jesus. If there is no God, it’s just a bag of supplies for people who have had bad luck and deserve better. If the god of the Charismatic Renewal is real, I don’t care what he has to say about candy and mushroom soup, except to hope he’s annoyed.

I drove uptown instead of down, the opposite direction of the Friendship Room, because I like to go for drives when I’m anxious. I like blast loud music on my phone and drive up and down country roads to soothe myself. There’s a pretty road back by the Wintersville border where a housing development suddenly becomes a rural area, all farmland and quaint houses– then, suddenly, it turns into a downhill plunge, and then you’re in the most Appalachian-looking neighborhood in Steubenville, between the cliffsides beside Beatty Park. Then under the bridge and from South to North Fourth Street, past rotting buildings that used to be stately houses. Past the downtown library and the Greek Orthodox church. Past the old theater and the single block of prosperous-looking shops where the college students like to go. Then down past a long line of churches, to the duplex with the blue door where the homeless go to get their meals. It’s a loop that takes nearly half an hour, from my house to the Friendship Room. It gives me time to think.

Lo, the day is coming, blazing like an oven,
when all the proud and all evildoers will be stubble,
and the day that is coming will set them on fire,
leaving them neither root nor branch,
says the LORD of hosts.
But for you who fear my name, there will arise
the sun of justice with its healing rays.

In November in Appalachia, you can see the stubble. You almost look forward to the oven, just for a little warmth and color. As for the sun and its healing rays, it seems an impossibility. November is an agnostic time. I could almost be an atheist, except for the occasional pops of color here and there, where I see a tree still clinging to gold leaves.

I kept thinking about the Gospel at Mass last night.

I’d taken Adrienne to church so she could receive Holy Communion. I didn’t like to be there. But something about the Gospel took me by surprise.

Then they asked him,
“Teacher, when will this happen?
And what sign will there be when all these things are about to happen?”
He answered,
“See that you not be deceived,
for many will come in my name, saying,
‘I am he,’ and ‘The time has come.’
Do not follow them!
When you hear of wars and insurrections,
do not be terrified; for such things must happen first,
but it will not immediately be the end.”

That Gospel passage is the polar opposite of everything I knew in the Charismatic Renewal.

We always thought that the time had come.

We thought we were in the end times.

We thought we were better Christians than anyone else, because of our constant preoccupation with the end times.

We were constantly going out to see signs and wonders, praying in fields and churches where there were rumored to be apparitions. We prophesied and took each other’s prophesies as commands straight from Jesus. We pored over books of locutions and decided they were Jesus as well. We heard of wars and insurrections, because there are always wars and insurrections. There have been wars and insurrections for as long as humans have been living together in families. But we knew those wars and insurrections were sings of the end times, and I, at least, was terrified. I didn’t want it to be the end times. I wanted it to be an ordinary time, where I could grow up and go to college and act in Shakespeare plays and have a normal life. I wanted a normal life to do good in, not an apocalypse.

It struck me again that I wasn’t raised Catholic. Sacramentally I was. But the culture, the superstitions, were something else entirely. The Charismatic Renewal is a cancerous growth on a certain type of Catholicism. It isn’t itself the Church.

If I don’t feel very Catholic right now, maybe that’s because I never was.

That doesn’t mean I’ll end up remaining Catholic when this painful deconstruction is over. It just means I’m willing to be impressed.

The god of the Charismatic Renewal resembles nothing so much as an Antichrist. Saying that feels like blasphemy, but it’s true. The god of the Charismatic Renewal is a god of bangs and flashes and special effects, terrorizing people, drawing their attention away from everything that’s theirs to do, promising them safety from the coming wrath if only they’ll be good and scared. The Christ of the Gospel has such a different message.

And I realized, as I pondered that, that I really do believe in the Christ of the Gospel. I really have spoken with the Christ of the Gospel. Losing the god of the Charismatic Renewal and stumbling upon the Christ of the Gospel may even be worth having lost everything in this terrible part of the country, where nothing is as it should be.

The drive through the countryside was bleak, in a comforting way. The grass and the trees are brown stubble, and the sky is dirty gray. Something about the dullness of it all flattened my anxiety, by the time I got to the Friendship Room.

There were two men there, seeking food at the empty pantry cupboard. They helped me unpack and stock the shelves. Each took a bright yellow Butterfinger bar for themselves. One of them asked to take my shopping bag to carry his things. It was one of those two dollar cloth bags, a brightly colored flowered one. When I handed it over to him, it looked like an impossibility: a visitor from another world, where there isn’t so much gray.

I don’t know if those men were Jesus in disguise or just two men who’ve had bad luck. But I know that that was worth doing.

They will have you led before kings and governors
because of my name.

It will lead to your giving testimony.
Remember, you are not to prepare your defense beforehand,
for I myself shall give you a wisdom in speaking
that all your adversaries will be powerless to resist or refute.
You will even be handed over by parents, brothers, relatives, and friends,
and they will put some of you to death.
You will be hated by all because of my name,
but not a hair on your head will be destroyed.
By your perseverance you will secure your lives.

I’ve never had much of a defense to prepare.

I don’t have any answers.

I have this, my testimony, my talking from day to day about the things that occur to me. I don’t know if this is wisdom or not.

I drove home the long way, another half hour, through the countryside and back to LaBelle. And for a moment, everything felt all right.

image via Pixabay

Mary Pezzulo is the author of Meditations on the Way of the Cross, The Sorrows and Joys of Mary, and Stumbling into Grace: How We Meet God in Tiny Works of Mercy.

Steel Magnificat operates almost entirely on tips. To tip the author, visit our donate page.

Food and Religion

Previous Post

November 15, 2022

Yes, We Do Need Bloated Bureaucracy

Next Post

November 18, 2022 You Don't Need a Catechism to Tell You This is Wrong

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category abortion Abuse Advent America American Christianity angel angels Annunciation Appalachia apparition apparition chaser apparition chasers apparition culture art art review babies baby baby Jesus Bad Lip Reading bad statue contest bath beauty Bible story blog blogkeeping blood book review Brandon Sanderson breastfeeding bus Catholic catholic conspiracy alarmism Catholic Oppositional Disorder Charismatic Renewal Charlie the Cat chastity Christ Christian idenitity Christianity and Judaism Chronic Illness clean clothing COD piece comedy compassion conscience conspiracy theory conversion cop-on-black violence Crucifixion cry of the poor culture Daesh Daily Saints death death penalty devotional diaconate diaper diapers dirty disability Donald Trump Dorothy Day dream drugs Eastern Catholicism Eastern Christianity education election election update Elsewhere on Patheos empathy environment Fear feminism film review fish flashback fluffy buns food Franciscan University of Steubenville Friendship Room fun Gabriel gardening gospel hair-splitting Heaven hell heresy Hillary Clinton history Holly the Witch Holy Spirit holy war Homeschooling homosexuality horror human dignity humor Icon idol immigrants infection inter-religious dialogue Interpretation of Scripture Islam Jesus Jihad Joseph joy laity and lay vocations lamb dinner laundry lent lgbtq literature love manners Mary Medicine and Science Meditation mercy mess milk misogyny Missouri monasticism monster motherhood mourn with those mourn movies movis music mystery nature neurodiversity New Pro-Life Movement news nonsense nostalgia O antiphons obituary objectification Ohio Valley Ordinary Time ordination Ordo Amoris parable paradox Passover peanut butter personal beliefs pets philosophy Planet Charismatic poetry politics polls poop Pope Francis Pope Leo power in the Church prayer prayer request prayers preferential option for non-violence president presidential election priest primary private revelation pro-life prophecy Public face of Catholicism Pure Flix Q and A race racism random rape rape. sexuality reader's request Reckoners refugee religious trauma ressurrection Right to life Saints saints and celebrations same-sex same-sex marriage satire scandal secular feasts seder Seven Joys Seven Last Words sex sexual ethics sexuality silencing six months skid row slavery social justice Speculative fiction spiritual abuse spoon stain story suffering suffrage suffragette Sunday Gospel temple Tenebrae Responsories Terror the exorcist The Friendship Room The New Pro-Life Movement Things I Learned on the Internet tin cup traffic true story tv review Uncategorized USCCB vice and temptation violence Virtue virtue and vice war Way of the Cross whimsy whole life women's ordination work of mercy Year A

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What is written on Jesus’ robe in Revelation 19:16?

Select your answer to see how you score.

The Alpha and Omega The Lion of Judah King of Kings and Lord of Lords The Lamb of God