Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Catholic
Priests Never Say They’re Sorry

Priests Never Say They’re Sorry

Last updated on: June 30, 2022 at 2:36 pm by Mary Pezzulo

Priests Never Say They’re Sorry 2022-06-30T14:36:45-04:00 Mary Pezzulo

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

The month of June began with being told I had no dignity.

That’s probably not what Father Matthew Schneider thought he was doing, but it’s what happened. I forget who it was on Twitter that tweeted a picture of a rainbow flag and a hope that LGBTQ people like me would be treated with dignity and respect for our rights. Father Matthew quote tweeted it with a comical GIF of a sloth saying “no.” When people suggested this was in violation of the Catechism’s insistence that LGBTQ people be treated with respect and protected from unjust discrimination, he doubled down. I tried to tell him how much it hurt gay Catholics like me who are trying to obey the Church, but he didn’t care. He seemed offended that anyone would be hurt by his glibness.

This stung. I’ve liked Father Matthew’s posts before. I admire him for standing up to vaccine conspiracy theorists and for speaking openly about his autism. And here he was ridiculing the idea that I have dignity and rights. I tried to tell him so, and he pooh-poohed it, claiming all his critics missed the point. We all leaned in, explaining that his cruel response was hurtful to many people, and he responded by blocking me. I’m still blocked.

At the end of June, Father Casey Cole, another priest I liked who has said a lot of good things online, posted a Tiktok video. It was meant to be a riff on the “she’s a ten, but…” memes that are going around social media right now, rating a woman’s looks from one to ten and then adding a line that’s a deal breaker in a sexual relationship. It’s a tasteless trend, and the Tiktok was also tasteless. It showed Father Casey and another priest in sunglasses, rating women based on their physical appearance and their piety. “She’s a six, but she reads the Bible and prays every night? She’s a ten. She’s a four, but she engages in the corporal mercy every day and works for peace and justice? She’s a ten!”

The tiktok was ratioed on social media, by many people including priests, religious sisters, and me. We all tried to tell him to reconsider this. It was pointed out that it’s unseemly for a priest to rate a woman’s body even as a joke. We pointed out that the Franciscans have been in the news for all manner of abusive and disrespectful behavior toward women: Tiesi and Scanlan, Morrier, Jurchak. A lot of us are struggling severely with our faith because of these betrayals, and we don’t need to see a priest in a Franciscan cassock objectifying women even as a joke.

I introduced myself as “a four,” which is wishful thinking. I’m more of a two and always have been. I tried to tell him what it’s like to be an unattractive Catholic girl, and how harmful it is to say that piety can make a person sexy. I didn’t expect him to have thought of this already. There’s no real reason he should. He’s a young man and a vowed celibate. But I expected him to be capable of listening to reason.

Instead, he belittled his critics.

We tried again to explain why the joke was harmful.

Eventually he deleted the facebook post, but not so far the TikTok and not the post belittling us. He didn’t say he was sorry.

I was deeply disappointed.

It took awhile for me to even admit to myself why I was so disappointed. I’ve been Catholic for more than three decades. I should be used to this by now.

I finally admitted to myself that it’s because I’ve never even once heard a priest apologize. Maybe I’m just forgetting, but I can’t think of a single apology in my life.

The priest at our parish growing up, who insisted the historic old social hall needed to be completely demolished and replaced by a fancy new building, even though the parishioners disagreed and even though he was warned it would be astronomically expensive, eventually saddled the parish with seven figures of debt we couldn’t pay. And then he was transferred to Spain, and the next pastor had to busk and fundraise for that impossible amount. The offending pastor didn’t apologize. He just disappeared.

The priest who bullied and embarrassed me at the behest of my old Faith Household at Franciscan University never apologized. Once he said “it’s unfortunate that you are so wounded by this,” but he didn’t say he was sorry. He bullied and embarrassed several people I know. He had a reputation for it at Franciscan. And he didn’t apologize to anyone, ever.

The priest who didn’t understand that my daughter’s meltdowns at church were from overstimulation because she’s on the spectrum and embarrassed us for our bad parenting didn’t apologize.

And of course, the priests who have committed much more severe infractions never apologized. Even if they go to jail, they don’t apologize. Their bishops and superiors don’t apologize for them, for fear of legal liability.

We’re supposed to get on our knees in the confessional and tell God, through the priest, all that we’ve done wrong since the last time we were in there. We’re supposed to assure God, through the priest, that we’re most heartily sorry, not only because we fear punishment but because we know our deeds were wrong. If we don’t express that contrition, the priest, on behalf of God, can withhold absolution. But if a priest, acting as himself and not in persona Christi, does something wrong– by mistake or on purpose, through fear or through malice or for any reason whatsoever– he never says he’s sorry.

My non-religious readers will tell me “I told you so” and be bemused that I expected anything different, and you’re not wrong. But respectfully, it’s very different to be inside a faith tradition and see all the good there is there, and be hit over and over again by how our clergy don’t live up to that good. You don’t understand what I’m suffering right now and you couldn’t.

My Catholic readers may well chide me and say I should “pray for priests” rather than criticize them. But I’m not going to do that either. What they’re doing is harmful and I would be remiss if I didn’t speak against it.

This hurts, deeply.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do about that hurt.

That’s where I am today.

Image via pixabay

Mary Pezzulo is the author of Meditations on the Way of the Cross, The Sorrows and Joys of Mary, and Stumbling into Grace: How We Meet God in Tiny Works of Mercy.

Steel Magnificat operates almost entirely on tips. To tip the author, visit our donate page.

Father Matthew Schneider

Previous Post

June 28, 2022

For All the Lost Girls

Next Post

July 1, 2022 What Kind of a Catholic Am I, Anyway?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category abortion Abuse Advent America American Christianity angel angels Annunciation Appalachia apparition apparition chaser apparition chasers apparition culture art art review babies baby baby Jesus Bad Lip Reading bad statue contest bath beauty Bible story blog blogkeeping blood book review Brandon Sanderson breastfeeding bus Catholic catholic conspiracy alarmism Catholic Oppositional Disorder Charismatic Renewal Charlie the Cat chastity Christ Christian idenitity Christianity and Judaism Chronic Illness clean clothing COD piece comedy compassion conscience conspiracy theory conversion cop-on-black violence Crucifixion cry of the poor culture Daesh Daily Saints death death penalty devotional diaconate diaper diapers dirty disability Donald Trump Dorothy Day dream drugs Eastern Catholicism Eastern Christianity education election election update Elsewhere on Patheos empathy environment Fear feminism film review fish flashback fluffy buns food Franciscan University of Steubenville Friendship Room fun Gabriel gardening gospel hair-splitting Heaven hell heresy Hillary Clinton history Holly the Witch Holy Spirit holy war Homeschooling homosexuality horror human dignity humor Icon idol immigrants infection inter-religious dialogue Interpretation of Scripture Islam Jesus Jihad Joseph joy laity and lay vocations lamb dinner laundry lent lgbtq literature love manners Mary Medicine and Science Meditation mercy mess milk misogyny Missouri monasticism monster motherhood mourn with those mourn movies movis music mystery nature neurodiversity New Pro-Life Movement news nonsense nostalgia O antiphons obituary objectification Ohio Valley Ordinary Time ordination Ordo Amoris parable paradox Passover peanut butter personal beliefs pets philosophy Planet Charismatic poetry politics polls poop Pope Francis Pope Leo power in the Church prayer prayer request prayers preferential option for non-violence president presidential election priest primary private revelation pro-life prophecy Public face of Catholicism Pure Flix Q and A race racism random rape rape. sexuality reader's request Reckoners refugee religious trauma ressurrection Right to life Saints saints and celebrations same-sex same-sex marriage satire scandal secular feasts seder Seven Joys Seven Last Words sex sexual ethics sexuality silencing six months skid row slavery social justice Speculative fiction spiritual abuse spoon stain story suffering suffrage suffragette Sunday Gospel temple Tenebrae Responsories Terror the exorcist The Friendship Room The New Pro-Life Movement Things I Learned on the Internet tin cup traffic true story tv review Uncategorized USCCB vice and temptation violence Virtue virtue and vice war Way of the Cross whimsy whole life women's ordination work of mercy Year A

Select a Month November 2026 October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who interpreted Nebuchadnezzar's dream of a statue?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Daniel Joseph Abraham Ezekiel