Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Catholic
In the State of Grace

In the State of Grace

Last updated on: July 15, 2020 at 12:50 am by Mary Pezzulo

In the State of Grace 2020-07-15T00:50:50-04:00 Mary Pezzulo

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I got to go to Mass.

In case you’re just joining me, I’ve been longing to get to Mass for the longest time, ever since the churches reopened in May, though the Sunday obligation is still dispensed, but nobody’s carpooling and the church schedules combined with my chronic illness makes it difficult to walk or catch the bus on the days the bus even run. The last time I went was the second week of March, before the shutdowns. I was afraid that the churches would be shut again as cases in the county rise, and I’d have to wait for months.

Finally, miraculously, this morning, I made it.

I caught the 7:40 bus, in my gray cloth mask, my wet hair stuffed under a beanie because I like to cover my hair at Mass but I’d gotten out of practice at wrapping it. The whole way up my mind fed me obsessive-compulsive worries: it’s been nearly as hard to get to confession as to get to Mass. You’ve been four months a feral child, away from the sacraments, praying along with video livestreams. What if you’re not in the state of grace? What if you’re in mortal sin and just can’t remember? What if you’re not in the state of grace?

“Grace” means so many things. In ordinary parlance, poise and elegance, which I’ve never possessed. In the writings of my confirmation saint, Therese, everything is grace– everything is a grace, a gift, from God, everything is an opportunity to practice grace, everything requires grace. And, strictly speaking, there’s the state of grace. The state of not being in mortal sin. The state of being alive instead of so given over to selfishness that you are, for spiritual purposes, a zombie.

A wise confessor once told me that if you’re not sure you’re in the state of grace, you probably are, because mortal sin requires full knowledge of what you’re doing. But I did not have that confessor there to talk to my anxiety.

When I got to the church I had plenty of other small opportunities for anxiety: discount-sized hand sanitizer pumps standing up in the dry holy water fonts. Signs reminding me where to stand and kneel, not to take a misalette to the pew, and to wear a mask. And then I had another, more embarrassing anxiety: people were praying the Rosary. Loudly.

There was that word again: grace. “Hail Mary, full of grace.”

I am a product of Apparition Culture and the Charismatic Renewal. The Rosary is not a comforting prayer, for me. Sometimes I pray it by myself or with Michael, but being in a sanctuary where a group of people are droning the Rosary puts me into a panic. I sat outside on the front steps while they finished, dropping the mask for a few minutes to suck in a few breaths of fresh air since I was alone. I considered how absolutely ridiculous it is to be suffering a spot of Rosary Panic at a church called Holy Rosary that I’ve been desperately trying to get to for a month and a half.

There was a plaster statue of Our Lady of Grace near the parking lot, and I wished I knew what to say to her.

I wish you hadn’t led me out here, Mama.

I wish I hadn’t been abused by so many people who love you, Mother.

I wish I wasn’t so afraid that you didn’t like me, Your Majesty.

I wish it felt safe to talk to you, Ma’am.

Hail Mary, full of grace.

I came back in as they finished the Rosary with the Litany of Loretto, every invocation hitting like a scourge. And then Mass began.

I wish I could be someone other than who I am, so I could tell you a story other than the one I have to tell. I wish I could tell a more heroic and exciting story, but here I am, afraid of a plaster statue and a beautiful prayer, at my first time going to Mass in four months.

I wish I could tell you that Mass itself was anxiety-free, but it wasn’t. All I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears, all I could think was “what if:” what if I catch COVID-19 despite all my precautions? What if I spread it to somebody else? What if the priest forgets the low-gluten Host? What if I can’t catch the bus home? What if I committed a mortal sin and forgot about it? What if I’m not in a state of grace?

And next thing I knew, I was slipping down my mask, and my pounding ears and I were whispering “The low-gluten Host, Father Such-and-Such said there was a low-gluten Host” at the associate pastor in the Communion line.

The priest ran back to the tabernacle to fetch it for me, and I received the Living God for the first time since winter.

And I felt relieved.

Was it exciting? Did it feel miraculous, life-changing and powerful like the first time I received Holy Communion? No, not really. It was quiet. The low-gluten Host got stuck to the roof of my dry morning mouth. I could still taste Him when my anxiety came back moments later, at the bus stop, when I nearly stepped off the sidewalk into poison ivy.

But don’t you see? That’s not the point. The point is that everything is grace and grace is everything. We are fish who swim in an endless, bottomless, surface-less Sea and always have; we have never been in anything but the Sea and the Sea is our usual state, and so we’re sometimes tempted to believe that the Sea does not exist. But the truth is, the Sea is everywhere present and filling all things, and sometimes we open our mouths and drink that Sea and become one with Him in a way we weren’t before.

Sometimes, I receive the Living God Who is already there, and it feels like I’m in Heaven. Sometimes, I receive Him, and He comes to suffer with me quietly in my anxiety.

My return to Mass for the first time since the plague came to the Ohio Valley was one of those quiet, anxious returns.

I don’t know when it will be possible and safe to come back.

But in the meanwhile, everything is grace.

Image via Pixabay

Mary Pezzulo is the author of Meditations on the Way of the Cross.

Steel Magnificat operates almost entirely on tips. To tip the author, visit our donate page.

Interpretation of Scripture

Previous Post

July 13, 2020

Where Do You Go When You Go To Mass?

Next Post

July 16, 2020 Please Help The Friendship Room Survive The COVID Emergency!

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category abortion Abuse Advent America American Christianity angel angels Annunciation Appalachia apparition apparition chaser apparition chasers apparition culture art art review babies baby baby Jesus Bad Lip Reading bad statue contest bath beauty Bible story blog blogkeeping blood book review Brandon Sanderson breastfeeding bus Catholic catholic conspiracy alarmism Catholic Oppositional Disorder Charismatic Renewal Charlie the Cat chastity Christ Christian idenitity Christianity and Judaism Chronic Illness clean clothing COD piece comedy compassion conscience conspiracy theory conversion cop-on-black violence Crucifixion cry of the poor culture Daesh Daily Saints death death penalty devotional diaconate diaper diapers dirty disability Donald Trump Dorothy Day dream drugs Eastern Catholicism Eastern Christianity education election election update Elsewhere on Patheos empathy environment Fear feminism film review fish flashback fluffy buns food Franciscan University of Steubenville Friendship Room fun Gabriel gardening gospel hair-splitting Heaven hell heresy Hillary Clinton history Holly the Witch Holy Spirit holy war Homeschooling homosexuality horror human dignity humor Icon idol immigrants infection inter-religious dialogue Interpretation of Scripture Islam Jesus Jihad Joseph joy laity and lay vocations lamb dinner laundry lent lgbtq literature love manners Mary Medicine and Science Meditation mercy mess milk misogyny Missouri monasticism monster motherhood mourn with those mourn movies movis music mystery nature neurodiversity New Pro-Life Movement news nonsense nostalgia O antiphons obituary objectification Ohio Valley Ordinary Time ordination Ordo Amoris parable paradox Passover peanut butter personal beliefs pets philosophy Planet Charismatic poetry politics polls poop Pope Francis Pope Leo power in the Church prayer prayer request prayers preferential option for non-violence president presidential election priest primary private revelation pro-life prophecy Public face of Catholicism Pure Flix Q and A race racism random rape rape. sexuality reader's request Reckoners refugee religious trauma ressurrection Right to life Saints saints and celebrations same-sex same-sex marriage satire scandal secular feasts seder Seven Joys Seven Last Words sex sexual ethics sexuality silencing six months skid row slavery social justice Speculative fiction spiritual abuse spoon stain story suffering suffrage suffragette Sunday Gospel temple Tenebrae Responsories Terror the exorcist The Friendship Room The New Pro-Life Movement Things I Learned on the Internet tin cup traffic true story tv review Uncategorized USCCB vice and temptation violence Virtue virtue and vice war Way of the Cross whimsy whole life women's ordination work of mercy Year A

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who was known as the doubter among Jesus' disciples?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Thomas James John Peter