Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Catholic
I Will Always be a Recovering Addict

I Will Always be a Recovering Addict

Last updated on: August 30, 2019 at 10:30 am by Guest Contributor

I Will Always be a Recovering Addict 2019-08-30T10:30:40-04:00 Guest Contributor

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

(This post is part four in a series on addiction written by my courageous friend Celia O’Keefe. You can find the other posts in this series here, here, and here. I am very honored and grateful that Celia chose to share her experience and wisdom with me.)

Not all addicts are in active addiction.

This post is meant to illustrate what living with the disease is like when you’re not in active addiction– when you’re in a sort of “remission,” if you will.

I’m sure many were expecting a hard resolution or happy ending to this story and if you’re one of those people, I have bad news for you- there is no resolution. There is no “cure.” As much as people will speak of Narcan, rehab and “free cures for addicts while ‘normal people’ suffer trying to afford regulatory medications like albuterol or insulin:” sobriety isn’t some final state of purity you’ll never fall out of, and Narcan isn’t a cure. (I might add, if I may, that the ambulance ride and hospital stay aren’t free, either.) If you’ve been reading and come to respect my point of view because I seem “well spoken” or “healed” then, surprise! I have more bad news. I’m still an addict. In fact, there will never be a time when my disease is healed and gone forever. I am far from the only person with a story like mine to share, and some people going through this may be closer to you than you think. So, take this into consideration: It takes time and hard, tumultuous work to shed all the guilt and shame that comes with stigma against sexual abuse & trauma survivors and those who suffer mental illness- yes, including who suffer with the disease of addiction. For your part, don’t buy into the stigma. Any of it, at all. We are not junkies, whores and crazies. We are humans! Friends and family, deserving of basic human decency and empathy.

This is not to say that you can’t set personal boundaries with someone in active addiction, or distance yourself from them if need be. Most of us must hit a rock-bottom before we can pull out of it- some of us never do. “You can lead a horse to water…” but until someone is ready to live for themselves, no amount of begging, pressuring or providing resources can do a thing. This is something I re-learn every day and believe me, learning to love yourself enough to live for yourself is no small feat. I’m no pillar of self-confidence, but I look both ways before I cross the street now. I may not be soaking in a bubble bath with candles all around, but I’m drinking more water (and more, and more.) I’m wearing sunscreen when I plan on spending an extended amount of time in the sun, I’m trying to be good about wearing a seatbelt and I’m taking my vitamins. These small things are all acts of self-love. I’m loving myself enough to live for myself, and this is the key I’ve found in staying active in my recovery. If I can despise myself enough to snort a hot line of meth, I can love myself enough to choke down another lime-water. While some days it’s hard and I think of my boys and how I can’t let them down, but that by itself isn’t always enough.

Though I’m not currently in active addiction, I struggle almost every day. While some triggers I know well and can prepare myself for, others I have no control over. Imagine cringing at the touch of your own child. The guilt and sadness that washes over you, coupled with a longing to get rid of those feelings- to be able to receive their love like a “normal mother.” There’s a flash of craving for a drug that would turn it all off, but I’ll fight it. I’ll think to myself in those moments, “Why? He is my son, my baby boy…” but the immediate, emotional reaction is still there, and we work on it every day. People may argue I shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce because of that, yet I know my children have a perfectly acceptable amount of physical affection and will grow up to have healthy physical boundaries. Sometimes, simply missing too much sleep causes me to think very seriously about using meth again, “just for a while, to get a few things done and maybe lose some weight, too!” Things like “I’ll hydrate and brush my teeth this time, and I won’t do it too late at night so I can still sleep!” will run through my head. Because of this, it’s still hard sometimes for me to handle amounts of cash larger than $200.00. Often I’ll find myself buying semi-useful things like another shower curtain or a big candle to burn in the kitchen by the diaper-pail, ensuring I have just enough cash to pay for what I need to pay for & have none left over. This isn’t always, and the reaction to having cash isn’t consistent. In fact, I’m all right most of the time now, but sometimes I know I’d better buy another really cool teether for the wee-lad, before I spend months trying to bounce back from a relapse again.

See, as a mother in America you’re always pushing yourself because the societal norm is to work, go to school, be present to your kids/friends/rest of your family, maintain a “healthy weight” or appearance- lest you come off as sloppy or slob-ish- and keep house like Martha Stewart. You’re celebrated for getting it all done and shamed or judged if you don’t. In my mind, the mind of an addict, there’s an easy solution to this work-school-mom-play conundrum; speed up! And I have. I’ve relapsed twice and had two small lapses on meth since I’ve been clean from everything else. (Lapses are more like a one-time slip-up, while a relapse is falling back into active addiction.) These weren’t “back out on the streets” relapses, these were studying hard and/or working and having enough money to pay for it relapses. Almost nobody caught it. In fact, I’ve been accused of relapse when I was sober as a judge and congratulated while spun outta my mind.

I bring this up to illustrate that you have no idea who you might be talking about when referring to “junkies” and “crackheads.” It’s not always the guy begging for change or the girl asking if you need any favors. It could be Cheryl on the PTA who almost died in a horrible rock-climbing accident 10 years ago, or your cousin going for their third college degree and never taking a minute to slow down for themselves. Addiction knows no bounds and there is no finality in sobriety, nor is there a cure for this disease. Addicts in recovery grapple with and wrestle down their disease every single day. In writing this, I aim to shed some light for some of you on what others are going through, but I also bring this part of myself to the table to say that recovery is possible. I hope to inspire hope in others- know you’re not alone, it’s worth it to fight for yourself, to love yourself, and you’re never too far gone to pull yourself back.

I’m now about 5 years clean from heroin and crack, and about one year completely clean, no lapses, from meth. My house is not as clean as I want it. I probably drink too much coffee (shout out the 10% of Americans who don’t!) I gained back all my weight. I’m not in school, and I’m doing my best to be present to my kids and throw myself into healing, writing poetry and making music & art. I want to say that it does get easier, but it never goes away. Some days it’s so hard that I can barely stand it, but it is absolutely not all darkness and despair, and we should ALWAYS celebrate every single win, no matter how small. I can make French Toast and sprinkle brown sugar on top now, and if the sugar touches the pan and melts, the smell doesn’t send me into a tailspin. I can use clear glass cooking pans and the smell of hot glass is usually fine. I can use steel wool to clean my pots and pans, tiny pieces of plastic grocery bags don’t phase me, when people say “that’s so dope!” to express how awesome something is, I (mostly) don’t feel a strong urge to slap them, and as of last year, I can keep foil in my house again instead of thinking of it as paraphernalia and being unable to look at or touch it.

My name is Celia. I am your daughter, sister, mother and friend, and I will always be a recovering addict.

(image via Pixabay)

Previous Post

August 29, 2019

Notes from the Friendship Room

Next Post

August 30, 2019 Passing the Hat For Fall

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category abortion Abuse Advent America American Christianity angel angels Annunciation Appalachia apparition apparition chaser apparition chasers apparition culture art art review babies baby baby Jesus Bad Lip Reading bad statue contest bath beauty Bible story blog blogkeeping blood book review Brandon Sanderson breastfeeding bus Catholic catholic conspiracy alarmism Catholic Oppositional Disorder Charismatic Renewal Charlie the Cat chastity Christ Christian idenitity Christianity and Judaism Chronic Illness clean clothing COD piece comedy compassion conscience conspiracy theory conversion cop-on-black violence Crucifixion cry of the poor culture Daesh Daily Saints death death penalty devotional diaconate diaper diapers dirty disability Donald Trump Dorothy Day dream drugs Eastern Catholicism Eastern Christianity education election election update Elsewhere on Patheos empathy environment Fear feminism film review fish flashback fluffy buns food Franciscan University of Steubenville Friendship Room fun Gabriel gardening gospel hair-splitting Heaven hell heresy Hillary Clinton history Holly the Witch Holy Spirit holy war Homeschooling homosexuality horror human dignity humor Icon idol immigrants infection inter-religious dialogue Interpretation of Scripture Islam Jesus Jihad Joseph joy laity and lay vocations lamb dinner laundry lent lgbtq literature love manners Mary Medicine and Science Meditation mercy mess milk misogyny Missouri monasticism monster motherhood mourn with those mourn movies movis music mystery nature neurodiversity New Pro-Life Movement news nonsense nostalgia O antiphons obituary objectification Ohio Valley Ordinary Time ordination Ordo Amoris parable paradox Passover peanut butter personal beliefs pets philosophy Planet Charismatic poetry politics polls poop Pope Francis Pope Leo power in the Church prayer prayer request prayers preferential option for non-violence president presidential election priest primary private revelation pro-life prophecy Public face of Catholicism Pure Flix Q and A race racism random rape rape. sexuality reader's request Reckoners refugee religious trauma ressurrection Right to life Saints saints and celebrations same-sex same-sex marriage satire scandal secular feasts seder Seven Joys Seven Last Words sex sexual ethics sexuality silencing six months skid row slavery social justice Speculative fiction spiritual abuse spoon stain story suffering suffrage suffragette Sunday Gospel temple Tenebrae Responsories Terror the exorcist The Friendship Room The New Pro-Life Movement Things I Learned on the Internet tin cup traffic true story tv review Uncategorized USCCB vice and temptation violence Virtue virtue and vice war Way of the Cross whimsy whole life women's ordination work of mercy Year A

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who said, "I do not know how to speak; I am too young"?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Moses Jeremiah Samuel Isaiah