Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Catholic
Would to God I had Died

Would to God I had Died

Last updated on: April 13, 2019 at 9:29 pm by Mary Pezzulo

Would to God I had Died 2019-04-13T21:29:19-04:00 Mary Pezzulo

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Somehow, one afternoon, I ended up on a bench in Fort Steuben Park.

I had meant to go to the Adoration chapel downtown, but I couldn’t stay long. The constant discouraging news coming out about our church has made the Adoration chapel in the big baroque church a twitchy place, nerve-wracking in the extreme for people like me.

I decided to pray as I walked around downtown instead. I wandered down Fourth Street, humming Sacred Harp hymns.

David, the king, was grieved and moved,
He went to his chamber and wept;
And as he went he wept, and said:
“O my son! O my son!
Would to God I had died
Would to God I had died
Would to God I had died
For thee, O Absalom, my son!

That was the one I was humming, as I wandered into the park.

The bench was pleasant in the sun. The grass was bright green, and there were several noisy robins that weren’t frightened to hop close to my feet. If I’d been extremely nearsighted, I could have imagined that I was in a different town in a much better part of the country.

Before me, at the bottom of the grassy hill, was the highway, and beyond the highway the railroad track. A fracking train rumbled through, droning its horn.

Beyond the fracking train was that apocalyptic ribbon of rust and poison that is the Ohio River. It appeared still, but if course it moves rather fast– past Toronto up to the north of me and then Weirton, then down past Follansbee to the south. I’m told this was the most dangerous part of the river to navigate steamboats on a hundred years ago, due to the zigzags.

There aren’t any steamboats on the Ohio now, except to please the tourists on much nicer parts. Here there are only coal barges. The river is still dangerous, however, and still claims the occasional life. A few days after I first came here, nearly thirteen years ago, two young men got drunk and jumped off a bridge into the Ohio for a prank. It took quite awhile to find the bodies.

I hadn’t thought of that tragedy in years.

Would to God I had died for thee, O Absalom my son.

I watched that great big plume of white smoke that billows up several times daily over Follansbee. Against the blue sky it was eerie, dreamlike. The first few times I saw it, I panicked; I thought there’d been an accident or a terrorist attack. Now I’m used to it. Some places have skyscrapers and some places have mountains. Here in Steubenville, we have a column of smoke that appears to the southeast every so often. That’s been true for as long as I’ve lived here.

Other things have changed. They restarted the electric arc furnace in Mingo, across from Follansbee, a few months ago, and Michael swears his asthma’s been a little worse ever since. They completely demolished the old plant in Weirton across the river– imploded it, badly, breaking the windows of nearby houses and spreading ash like snow around downtown. My friend who took her children to Liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts downtown that evening said you could taste metal and plastic in the air– her children had to cover their mouths on their way into church.

My friends who lived here forty years ago say that everything used to be covered in dust like that. Everyone had asthma like Michael does, but nobody knew they had asthma because wheezing was the whole town’s normal state. The Dominican nuns who taught school had to have permission from their order to wash their white habits twice a week instead of once, because they turned gray just from living near the mills. And all that soot and pollution is still here. It’s under the grass at Fort Steuben park. It’s in soil where I grow my backyard vegetable garden.

It’s in my house. Once, after a terrible rain storm, a tile in my bathroom ceiling gave way and fell in. A few balls of glistening black debris fell with it; I looked up, and saw that the floorboards of my attic were jet black. I panicked, thinking it was mold, but then I smelled it–it smelled just like charcoal. I rubbed some of the debris on the back of the tile that had fallen, and watched it make a streak just like my artists’ pencils. It was charcoal– or coal, the coal dust that permeated the air for so long settling in the rafters of the building. I was looking at congealed air.

Every building in town is like that.

And if we somehow get all this environmental destruction under control before it kills us, the people of the Ohio Valley will be the ones fighting it every step of the way. They want the pollution to come back, because they think it will bring lasting economic prosperity. It didn’t before; there was a boom and then a bust, and the factories went overseas where it’s cheaper to run them. But they’re sure this time will be different.

Would to God I had died for thee.

The smoke from Follansbee dissipated and was gone– not vanished, but invisible.

The river continued– rushing fast and treacherous, but appearing still as ever.

The robins continued hopping across the fresh green lawn that covers the toxic soil in a park that could have been anywhere else in the world, but wasn’t.

I went home.

Previous Post

April 11, 2019

A Survivor Responds to Pope Emeritus Benedict

Next Post

April 13, 2019 Help the Friendship Room Stock their Little Free Grocery

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category abortion Abuse Advent America American Christianity angel angels Annunciation Appalachia apparition apparition chaser apparition chasers apparition culture art art review babies baby baby Jesus Bad Lip Reading bad statue contest bath beauty Bible story blog blogkeeping blood book review Brandon Sanderson breastfeeding bus Catholic catholic conspiracy alarmism Catholic Oppositional Disorder Charismatic Renewal Charlie the Cat chastity Christ Christian idenitity Christianity and Judaism Chronic Illness clean clothing COD piece comedy compassion conscience conspiracy theory conversion cop-on-black violence Crucifixion cry of the poor culture Daesh Daily Saints death death penalty devotional diaconate diaper diapers dirty disability Donald Trump Dorothy Day dream drugs Eastern Catholicism Eastern Christianity education election election update Elsewhere on Patheos empathy environment Fear feminism film review fish flashback fluffy buns food Franciscan University of Steubenville Friendship Room fun Gabriel gardening gospel hair-splitting Heaven hell heresy Hillary Clinton history Holly the Witch Holy Spirit holy war Homeschooling homosexuality horror human dignity humor Icon idol immigrants infection inter-religious dialogue Interpretation of Scripture Islam Jesus Jihad Joseph joy laity and lay vocations lamb dinner laundry lent lgbtq literature love manners Mary Medicine and Science Meditation mercy mess milk misogyny Missouri monasticism monster motherhood mourn with those mourn movies movis music mystery nature neurodiversity New Pro-Life Movement news nonsense nostalgia O antiphons obituary objectification Ohio Valley Ordinary Time ordination Ordo Amoris parable paradox Passover peanut butter personal beliefs pets philosophy Planet Charismatic poetry politics polls poop Pope Francis Pope Leo power in the Church prayer prayer request prayers preferential option for non-violence president presidential election priest primary private revelation pro-life prophecy Public face of Catholicism Pure Flix Q and A race racism random rape rape. sexuality reader's request Reckoners refugee religious trauma ressurrection Right to life Saints saints and celebrations same-sex same-sex marriage satire scandal secular feasts seder Seven Joys Seven Last Words sex sexual ethics sexuality silencing six months skid row slavery social justice Speculative fiction spiritual abuse spoon stain story suffering suffrage suffragette Sunday Gospel temple Tenebrae Responsories Terror the exorcist The Friendship Room The New Pro-Life Movement Things I Learned on the Internet tin cup traffic true story tv review Uncategorized USCCB vice and temptation violence Virtue virtue and vice war Way of the Cross whimsy whole life women's ordination work of mercy Year A

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What was the name of the Jewish ruling council in Jesus’ time?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Essenes Sanhedrin Sadducees Pharisees