Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Catholic
Seven Steps to a Catholic What?

Seven Steps to a Catholic What?

Last updated on: May 9, 2018 at 3:19 pm by Mary Pezzulo

Seven Steps to a Catholic What? 2018-05-09T15:19:53-04:00 Mary Pezzulo

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

The other day, I saw a post in the a group of traditionalist Catholic would-be monarchists who were not in any way joking. It went like this:

How to restore a Catholic monarchy in seven steps:

1) Find a good wife.

2) Raise traditional Catholic children;

3) Develop a strong household economy;

4) Forge alliances with others who are following this model;

5) Offer perpetual fealty to a stronger household that can exercise effective leadership with a Christian civilization:

6) Accept offers of fealty from weaker households with competent members who have value to offer;

7. Eventually, one household will emerge as the strongest in the web of fealty. That household is the Royal Family and its head the monarch.

I feel like I’ve seen this list before. I think it was the instruction manual in a game of Settlers of Catan.

Further, I feel the set of instructions are incomplete. It ought to include:

25) Smother your twin nephews.

40) Intermarry with your own relatives to keep that bloodline squeaky clean, until your surname is synonymous with a genetic defect.

99) Get so desperate to produce a viable male heir that you divorce your faithful Catholic wife, murder everyone who won’t join you in apostasy, and marry your pregnant six-fingered mistress. Then divorce your mistress on the same day you have her beheaded on trumped-up charges of adultery and incest. Marry her lady in waiting, who will subsequently die in childbirth with a sickly boy. Then marry an ugly woman and divorce her when you fail to consummate the marriage because her breasts are too saggy; then marry a ridiculously young girl and have her executed for inexplicably preferring sex with a courtier to sex with your ulcerous old self. Then marry a clever Protestant lady who will manage to survive you. Finally, your son too shall die, leaving the kingdom in the hands of women after all your hard work. One of those women will go on to be among history’s most famous and successful monarchs, and will follow your legacy in martyring faithful Catholics to a startling degree.

Or do these people not know that all those things are consequences of a Catholic monarchy?

Sometimes I think that the reason Traditionalists refuse to watch Game of Thrones isn’t because of all the sex. It’s because it might disillusion them about the glorious pristine beauty of a faith-based monarchy. Not that democracy produces flawless gems either, of course. You have only to scroll down a bit on this blog to find my rants on the current president. The first thing you learn from history is that people are crap at running things and crap always rises to the top. The first thing you ought to learn from Catholic social teaching is that people are more important than institutions– be they dynasties, administrations or corporations. Institutions insofar as they hurt people are bad, and institutions insofar as they help people are good. But then again, Traditionalists don’t care for Catholic Social Teaching either.

There are any number of faults you could find with the Seven Steps. It’s not historically accurate– where are the serfs? The military? It’s not in line with Catholic morality at all to refer to the poor and vulnerable members of a community as “weaker” and force them to serve the “strong.” Catholics are supposed to give preferential treatment to the weak. We should all be bending over each other to serve the weaker members of our society. We certainly shouldn’t look at what “value” people have to offer us. People are intrinsically valuable by virtue of being people.

Do you know what these Seven Steps do remind me of? It’s not any historic monarchy. They remind me of the mafia. They remind me of infamous European organized criminals that the Church excommunicates because that model of how to run a society is sinful in the extreme.

So, what would a Catholic society look like? Not a society wearing the trappings of Catholicism; we had that for a thousand years all over Europe. But a society faithful to the demands of Catholicism?

Bible story

catholic conspiracy alarmism

Catholic Oppositional Disorder

Interpretation of Scripture

laity and lay vocations

monasticism

mystery

politics

preferential option for non-violence

president

Public face of Catholicism

Previous Post

May 7, 2018

"The Counter-Revolution" and The Spirit of the Antichrist

Next Post

May 10, 2018 Lilacs in Labelle

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category abortion Abuse Advent America American Christianity angel angels Annunciation Appalachia apparition apparition chaser apparition chasers apparition culture art art review babies baby baby Jesus Bad Lip Reading bad statue contest bath beauty Bible story blog blogkeeping blood book review Brandon Sanderson breastfeeding bus Catholic catholic conspiracy alarmism Catholic Oppositional Disorder Charismatic Renewal Charlie the Cat chastity Christ Christian idenitity Christianity and Judaism Chronic Illness clean clothing COD piece comedy compassion conscience conspiracy theory conversion cop-on-black violence Crucifixion cry of the poor culture Daesh Daily Saints death death penalty devotional diaconate diaper diapers dirty disability Donald Trump Dorothy Day dream drugs Eastern Catholicism Eastern Christianity education election election update Elsewhere on Patheos empathy environment Fear feminism film review fish flashback fluffy buns food Franciscan University of Steubenville Friendship Room fun Gabriel gardening gospel hair-splitting Heaven hell heresy Hillary Clinton history Holly the Witch Holy Spirit holy war Homeschooling homosexuality horror human dignity humor Icon idol immigrants infection inter-religious dialogue Interpretation of Scripture Islam Jesus Jihad Joseph joy laity and lay vocations lamb dinner laundry lent lgbtq literature love manners Mary Medicine and Science Meditation mercy mess milk misogyny Missouri monasticism monster motherhood mourn with those mourn movies movis music mystery nature neurodiversity New Pro-Life Movement news nonsense nostalgia O antiphons obituary objectification Ohio Valley Ordinary Time ordination Ordo Amoris parable paradox Passover peanut butter personal beliefs pets philosophy Planet Charismatic poetry politics polls poop Pope Francis Pope Leo power in the Church prayer prayer request prayers preferential option for non-violence president presidential election priest primary private revelation pro-life prophecy Public face of Catholicism Pure Flix Q and A race racism random rape rape. sexuality reader's request Reckoners refugee religious trauma ressurrection Right to life Saints saints and celebrations same-sex same-sex marriage satire scandal secular feasts seder Seven Joys Seven Last Words sex sexual ethics sexuality silencing six months skid row slavery social justice Speculative fiction spiritual abuse spoon stain story suffering suffrage suffragette Sunday Gospel temple Tenebrae Responsories Terror the exorcist The Friendship Room The New Pro-Life Movement Things I Learned on the Internet tin cup traffic true story tv review Uncategorized USCCB vice and temptation violence Virtue virtue and vice war Way of the Cross whimsy whole life women's ordination work of mercy Year A

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who traveled with Paul and received letters to lead churches in Crete?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Titus Luke Timothy Barnabas