Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Catholic
Old Scratch and Baba Yaga

Old Scratch and Baba Yaga

Last updated on: December 13, 2017 at 12:28 am by Mary Pezzulo

Old Scratch and Baba Yaga 2017-12-13T00:28:30-04:00 Mary Pezzulo

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

road-653253_640

It was bitterly cold, and the bus was a little late. I was so grateful when it arrived that I barely had time to register that the driver was Old Scratch. Old Scratch no longer shaves his head; he’s growing it out on top in one of those Richard Spencer haircuts, which does not flatter him.

He was arguing with an old woman downtown when I boarded the bus. As far as I could gather, the topic of their argument was Donald Trump’s sexual harassment of women. They dropped it when Rosie and I boarded. Old Scratch will swear a blue streak when Rose is on the bus with her father; he uses the N-word and the F-word and all the other choice four-letter Anglo-Saxon alphabet words. But he doesn’t swear around me for some reason. I’ve noticed it several times, lately.

“Okay, people on the bus,” he said to the old woman as I shuffled Rosie into a seat. He thinks I’m people, for some reason. I think he thinks I’m a lady.

“I’ll bet you voted for him,” rasped the old woman with a weird kind of grin. She’s skinny with glasses and red frizzy hair that sticks out, and she usually wears a scapular outside her clothes– but today she was all bundled up in a shapeless old coat. She might have been a less frightening Baba Yaga. “I’ll bet you did. I’ll bet you voted for the man.”

“Why shouldn’t I vote for him?” asked Old Scratch. “What’s he done? Is he gonna deport you?”

The woman cackled and turned to me. “DONALD TRUMP is gonna deport me!” she squealed.

That counts as a joke, in the Ohio Valley, if you’re white. I don’t think the Mexicans who ride the bus from time to time think it’s funny. The black woman who was the sole other passenger was silent as well, concentrating on her phone.

“What’s he done? Tell me. What’s he done wrong? Donald Trump’s goin’ to the Olympics. Gonna watch them Hispanics pole vault. However high they go, he’s gonna build that wall higher.”

The woman cackled again.

“He ain’t gonna deoport you. Are you crazy?” asked Old Scratch.

“I am crazy,” said Baba Yaga. “I’m certified crazy in three states: Pennsylvania, Kentucky and Ohio!”

“But you can still go to West Virginia?” I asked, not because I was interested but because it seemed like someone should say something.

“Why are there so many unsolved murders in West Virginia?” asked Old Scratch. “Because everyone there’s got the same DNA!”

The old woman cackled again. I admit I made a noise myself because I make guffawing noises when I’m horrified, and then Rose was laughing because she thought Mommy was. The black woman silently concentrated on her phone.

“Now Rose,” I said, “Get ready to get off. We’re almost at the stop. Just a few more minutes.”

“You goin’ out with Mommy today?” the old woman said to Rosie.

Rosie nodded.

“We’ve got a dental appointment,” I tried once more to steer the conversation into something Old Scratch couldn’t use to make a bigoted joke. “And then we’re getting ingredients for baking. She’s learning measurement in homeschooling so we’re going to practice.”

The woman looked concerned. “Why do you homeschool?”

Because of the conversations I keep having with products of the Steubenville public schools like Old Scratch, I almost said.

“Because we’re going to move to West Virginia before the end of the school year, and I don’t want her to have to switch schools halfway through,” I said aloud.

Old Scratch seemed genuinely embarrassed. “And here I was makin’ jokes about West Virginia,” he said. He truly doesn’t want to insult me. I think he thinks I’m a lady.

The conversation turned to my job as a writer, how I work while homeschooling Rosie and Michael does the housework.

The old woman looked impressed. “And you and Michael are married?” she asked.

“Yes.” It happens to be our eighth anniversary today, as a matter of fact. We were married at the traditional church downtown with the gorgeous stained glass and the Communion Rail– me in a white gown, him in a tie, both of us innocent as doves and about half as wise. That was back when I thought I understood anything about life.

“And is Rose Michael’s real daughter?” asked Baba Yaga.

“Yes.”

She gave me a suspicious look. “These days, it’s hard to tell who the real father is.”

“Well,” I said with all the dignity I could muster, “I’m absolutely certain that Michael is Rosie’s real father.”

Old Scratch laughed longer and harder than I’d ever known him to do, all the way to my stop.

“Merry Christmas,” said Baba Yaga.

I’ve been told I speak too critically of the place I live in. I’ve even been accused of “throwing Steubenville under the bus.” Honestly, though, most days it feels like Steubenville rides the bus over me.

(image via Pixabay)

Uncategorized

Previous Post

December 11, 2017

Santa Claus and the Broken Gift

Next Post

December 14, 2017 Doing Christmas Wrong

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category abortion Abuse Advent America American Christianity angel angels Annunciation Appalachia apparition apparition chaser apparition chasers apparition culture art art review babies baby baby Jesus Bad Lip Reading bad statue contest bath beauty Bible story blog blogkeeping blood book review Brandon Sanderson breastfeeding bus Catholic catholic conspiracy alarmism Catholic Oppositional Disorder Charismatic Renewal Charlie the Cat chastity Christ Christian idenitity Christianity and Judaism Chronic Illness clean clothing COD piece comedy compassion conscience conspiracy theory conversion cop-on-black violence Crucifixion cry of the poor culture Daesh Daily Saints death death penalty devotional diaconate diaper diapers dirty disability Donald Trump Dorothy Day dream drugs Eastern Catholicism Eastern Christianity education election election update Elsewhere on Patheos empathy environment Fear feminism film review fish flashback fluffy buns food Franciscan University of Steubenville Friendship Room fun Gabriel gardening gospel hair-splitting Heaven hell heresy Hillary Clinton history Holly the Witch Holy Spirit holy war Homeschooling homosexuality horror human dignity humor Icon idol immigrants infection inter-religious dialogue Interpretation of Scripture Islam Jesus Jihad Joseph joy laity and lay vocations lamb dinner laundry lent lgbtq literature love manners Mary Medicine and Science Meditation mercy mess milk misogyny Missouri monasticism monster motherhood mourn with those mourn movies movis music mystery nature neurodiversity New Pro-Life Movement news nonsense nostalgia O antiphons obituary objectification Ohio Valley Ordinary Time ordination Ordo Amoris parable paradox Passover peanut butter personal beliefs pets philosophy Planet Charismatic poetry politics polls poop Pope Francis Pope Leo power in the Church prayer prayer request prayers preferential option for non-violence president presidential election priest primary private revelation pro-life prophecy Public face of Catholicism Pure Flix Q and A race racism random rape rape. sexuality reader's request Reckoners refugee religious trauma ressurrection Right to life Saints saints and celebrations same-sex same-sex marriage satire scandal secular feasts seder Seven Joys Seven Last Words sex sexual ethics sexuality silencing six months skid row slavery social justice Speculative fiction spiritual abuse spoon stain story suffering suffrage suffragette Sunday Gospel temple Tenebrae Responsories Terror the exorcist The Friendship Room The New Pro-Life Movement Things I Learned on the Internet tin cup traffic true story tv review Uncategorized USCCB vice and temptation violence Virtue virtue and vice war Way of the Cross whimsy whole life women's ordination work of mercy Year A

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What was the role of the "scribe" against whom Jesus often taught?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Temple guard Interpreter of the law Tax collector Soldier