Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Catholic
No, We Can’t Get Over It

No, We Can’t Get Over It

Last updated on: January 2, 2018 at 11:01 am by Mary Pezzulo

No, We Can’t Get Over It 2018-01-02T11:01:36-04:00 Mary Pezzulo

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

religion-1625120_640

Last month, I posted a guest post by a dear friend of mine, about her spiritual abuse at an Orthodox monastery associated with a group known as the Ephraimites. The post got moderate attention at first, but then a month later it was discovered by a supporter of the Ephraimites, and the combox exploded. He verbally abused my friend in several different comments and made a fool of himself. Thankfully, this person was shouted down and refuted by several Orthodox people, one of whom even had a long passage from the decrees of the Russian Orthodox Church explaining why he was wrong. I learned quite a bit about Orthodoxy and came to respect it even more.

Then someone else joined the discussion. This commentator said that he was the father of the young novice who was (allegedly) spiritually abused into severe mental illness by the Ephraimites, and who eventually committed suicide. He posted an impassioned denunciation of their monastery and of the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese in general, whom he believes are all cultists. And I don’t blame him for thinking that after what he’s suffered. I can’t even begin to imagine that kind of agony or what I’d do if a supposed spiritual authority hurt my child to that extent. I’ve met wonderful Greek Orthodox people and I’ve even prayed at some of their liturgies, but I can see how a trauma like that would make you despise the whole tradition, just as Catholic spiritual abuse victims often despise Catholicism.

When I was a teenager, I witnessed the victims of Regnum Christi come back from the so-called pre-candidacy school in Rhode Island, after they’d been told that “Jesus doesn’t want you” and sent home in the middle of a term. They were severely traumatized; one of them turned to drugs and developed an eating disorder.

What struck me was that people expected they could just get over it. That they’d remain Catholic, go to a Catholic high school in town, and go on with their lives with their faith unshaken. There wouldn’t be any lasting effect to that much suffering at the hands of a spiritual leader.

A lot of people think you can just “get over” spiritual abuse.

I’ve been abused by supposed spiritual authorities a couple of times myself– not anywhere near as severely as my commentator’s son, thank God, but I’ve been in similar places, and it definitely changed me in ways I can’t just shake off. I’ve been told I should, by a lot of people. There’s a persistent commentator whose sock puppet accounts I’ve had to block three times, who’s adamant that I ought to get over it.

“You act as if everyone goes to church specifically to hurt you,” he’s said, and “You know, Mary, a lot of us have bad experiences in our childhoods and get over them.” He’s informed me that I’m a “textbook narcissist,” “mendacious” and “bitching on the internet” as well, for speaking openly about abuse by authorities in Catholic circles at places which are famous for their piety. And I know that I ought to be able to overlook him and move on. Then again, this particular troll goes to my church and I have to see him in person, so it’s difficult.

It’s near impossible.

It makes me scared to go to church at all, frankly.

As Christians, we’re taught to view our souls as the deepest and most valuable parts of ourselves. “What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, yet lose his soul?” Christ asks, and I believe Him. I believe that the soul is the most important part of me. It would be better to surrender everything I had including my bodily life, than to sever my soul’s union with her creator. That kind of talk is romanticized sometimes, and I don’t think it should be. It isn’t pretty. It’s terrible. God doesn’t want people to lose everything including their bodily lives; He wants His sons and daughters to be fully alive, happy and whole. His commands were meant to make us whole. It is a tragedy and a horror when someone is tortured into choosing between their soul and the rest of themselves. But if it comes down to the wire, my soul is my priority.

And that’s why spiritual abuse is so horrendous and so difficult to overcome. Spiritual abusers prey on your soul. They threaten to cut your soul off from God. They claim that if their victims violate their commands– if they don’t shut up, accept the abuse and “Get over it”– then their victims will lose their souls, the most valuable parts of themselves.

God is love. God is mercy. God desires that all of His children be gathered together in peace, joy and wholeness, in zealous, scandalous love. But I don’t see God in His fullness every day. I see Father so-and-so, Brother such-and-such, Sister Whomever, Mrs. X the catechism teacher and Mr. Y the cantor. I see the visiting bishop and the priest from out of town. I see the lady who remembers to bring gluten-free snacks to the doughnut social and the lady who glares at me from the other pew. I see the traditionalist Latin priest in his pom-pom hat, the more modern cheery priests in their Roman collars. I see scholars and fools, saints and sinners. I see people who have been charitable to me in a hundred ways, people who didn’t mean any harm, and also people who relish doing harm and call it righteousness. I see people. These are the people who bear the image and likeness of God, and some of them have abused, and claimed they did it in the name of God.

It can get to the point where a person associates all of these people with the abusers, because of their trauma and suffering. That soul cringes away from Christians the way a shell-shocked soldier cringes from a backfiring car. It’s natural. God sees our struggle and only He can truly judge.

And no, we can’t just get over it.

We need mercy, gentleness and understanding, not attacks.

(image via Pixabay)

Public face of Catholicism

Previous Post

December 30, 2017

When A Bigot Works At the Crisis Pregnancy Center

Next Post

January 1, 2018 A Parade of Novel Ideas

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category abortion Abuse Advent America American Christianity angel angels Annunciation Appalachia apparition apparition chaser apparition chasers apparition culture art art review babies baby baby Jesus Bad Lip Reading bad statue contest bath beauty Bible story blog blogkeeping blood book review Brandon Sanderson breastfeeding bus Catholic catholic conspiracy alarmism Catholic Oppositional Disorder Charismatic Renewal Charlie the Cat chastity Christ Christian idenitity Christianity and Judaism Chronic Illness clean clothing COD piece comedy compassion conscience conspiracy theory conversion cop-on-black violence Crucifixion cry of the poor culture Daesh Daily Saints death death penalty devotional diaconate diaper diapers dirty disability Donald Trump Dorothy Day dream drugs Eastern Catholicism Eastern Christianity education election election update Elsewhere on Patheos empathy environment Fear feminism film review fish flashback fluffy buns food Franciscan University of Steubenville Friendship Room fun Gabriel gardening gospel hair-splitting Heaven hell heresy Hillary Clinton history Holly the Witch Holy Spirit holy war Homeschooling homosexuality horror human dignity humor Icon idol immigrants infection inter-religious dialogue Interpretation of Scripture Islam Jesus Jihad Joseph joy laity and lay vocations lamb dinner laundry lent lgbtq literature love manners Mary Medicine and Science Meditation mercy mess milk misogyny Missouri monasticism monster motherhood mourn with those mourn movies movis music mystery nature neurodiversity New Pro-Life Movement news nonsense nostalgia O antiphons obituary objectification Ohio Valley Ordinary Time ordination Ordo Amoris parable paradox Passover peanut butter personal beliefs pets philosophy Planet Charismatic poetry politics polls poop Pope Francis Pope Leo power in the Church prayer prayer request prayers preferential option for non-violence president presidential election priest primary private revelation pro-life prophecy Public face of Catholicism Pure Flix Q and A race racism random rape rape. sexuality reader's request Reckoners refugee religious trauma ressurrection Right to life Saints saints and celebrations same-sex same-sex marriage satire scandal secular feasts seder Seven Joys Seven Last Words sex sexual ethics sexuality silencing six months skid row slavery social justice Speculative fiction spiritual abuse spoon stain story suffering suffrage suffragette Sunday Gospel temple Tenebrae Responsories Terror the exorcist The Friendship Room The New Pro-Life Movement Things I Learned on the Internet tin cup traffic true story tv review Uncategorized USCCB vice and temptation violence Virtue virtue and vice war Way of the Cross whimsy whole life women's ordination work of mercy Year A

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

How did Saul first offend God as king?

Select your answer to see how you score.

He offered sacrifices himself He defeated the Philistines He took the Ark He built an idol