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The Adventures of Tony, Cap, Donald and Bigfoot

The Adventures of Tony, Cap, Donald and Bigfoot

Last updated on: May 26, 2017 at 4:15 pm by Mary Pezzulo

The Adventures of Tony, Cap, Donald and Bigfoot 2017-05-26T16:15:20-04:00 Mary Pezzulo

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My daughter does not play with Barbies.

That’s not for lack of exposure; she has a Barbie. She doesn’t pay attention to it. It sits coyly on the side of her window seat, toes pointed, blue ball gown unmussed, and watches Rosie play with the toys she genuinely likes.

Rosie also has a Barbie Dreamhouse and a big bin of pink and blue Barbie furniture I looted for her out of Bulk Pickup. She calls the Dreamhouse “Avengers Tower,” and that’s where her action figures live. I’ll come in at any given time to see Barbie sitting coyly on the window seat, smiling into space, while Captain America floats in the hexagonal swimming pool wearing a Ken hoodie and Iron Man lies supine on the lounge chair, tanning his armor.

Rosie has always been this way. When she was a toddler, in the tiny apartment, she claimed her father’s collectible plastic Godzillas even though she had a perfectly good baby doll. She would breastfeed them, carefully wipe under their tails, and put them down for a nap on my bed– and when I sat on them by mistake later, I’d be chided for “wuining their sweep cycle.”

Later, she had a foot-tall rubber tyrannosaur named “nightmare” that she liked to push around in a pink stroller. After that we gave her a Hello Kitty Mega Blocks set we found on the clearance rack, and she used it to act out Star Wars: A New Hope verbatim, with Hello Kitty playing the part of Luke and Mimmi as Han Solo.

Her current passion is the Avengers. Rose works Captain America and Iron Man into all of her adventures, and she always ropes me into playing the part of Iron Man. When Captain America and Iron Man are not in Avengers Tower, they live in a plastic barn with a herd of plastic cows on the sofa. Their arch-nemisis used to be a Spider-Man figure which Rosie named Donald Trump. Lately, however, Donald Trump has retired from his menacing ways and resigned from the presidency to open a Whopperburger restaurant. He is an excellent cook. The Avengers go to the Whopperburger for supper nearly every night. They like the wide variety of foods available, particularly the avocados–Rosie says that Donald Trump serves avocados on “everything but toast.” Sometimes, Trump dons a superhero costume and joins them in their adventures– he knows how to calm the Incredible Hulk by rubbing garlic and onions on his feet.

Once, the toys all attended the wedding of Donald Trump and Captain America’s Aunt Beatrice, which was held in an Eastern Catholic church like the one we attend. I had to stop and give a stern lecture when Rose re-wrote the Trisagion to “WHOOOOOOOOLY MORTAL TRUUUUUUMP!” for the occasion.

After watching the hysterical Cry Wilderness episode of the new Mst3k with me late one night, Rosie added Bigfoot to the cast. Bigfoot, played by a plastic Power Ranger, is the team’s designated strong guy, and now the Incredible Hulk only shows up for short visits.

The other day, after listening to an audiobook of Ramona Forever, Rose announced a new plot line in her action figure games. She told me that Captain America was pregnant.

I reminded her that only women are equipped to have babies– maybe the Barbie could be pregnant?

Rose gave me a stern look. “It’s a pretend game, Mommy.”

She had me there.

Captain America went to the hospital to give birth, while Iron Man and Bigfoot went to the Whopperburger for avocados on everything but toast. When they got there, they found Donald Trump in a panic because the cheese machine wouldn’t stop producing cheese, and the restaurant was getting buried. Thankfully, Iron Man knows how to fix machinery, so Donald Trump made fondue and the action figures had a nice dinner before heading over to the hospital.

There, they met Baby Messy, a miniature Batman action figure tucked lovingly in Captain America’s arms.

Early this morning, I overheard Rose pretending that Baby Messy’s name had been changed to Mister Little Baby Ramona. Mister Little Baby Ramona was breaking Captain America out of jail, where he’d been imprisoned on a false charge of stealing Donald Trump’s golden underpants during a wedding reception.

Such is life.

(image via Pixabay)

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