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The Lady Lacks Logic

The Lady Lacks Logic

Last updated on: October 23, 2016 at 11:49 pm by Mary Pezzulo

The Lady Lacks Logic 2016-10-23T23:49:02-04:00 Mary Pezzulo

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I have a question.

I’m told that women, by nature, are emotional and men are logical. That’s why only men should vote and govern, because they’re logical. They explain that that’s the teaching of the Catholic Church and of all good philosophers, names not available upon request. No one can possibly be both emotional and logical. You have to choose either or. Either you feel or you reason. And you can’t be one sometimes and the other at other times; once you’ve begun to be emotional, you’ll never be logical. The deciding factor is gender. From the moment of conception, every man has in his tiny little zygote soul a rational nature, and every woman has an emotional nature. If you deny this, you do not have Right Reason.

The reason that women are incapable of logic, I’ve heard tell, is because of our hormones. It’s fashionable in these hedonistic and pagan times to deny that women have hormones, but hormones cannot be denied. Hormones cause emotions, and women have a plethora of both. Our hormones rage inside of us, causing weeping and unsightly bleeding at certain times of the month and requiring sanitary napkins, ibuprofen and chocolate. Our lovey-dovey sloppy emotions leave us helpless in the face of logic; we are incapable of cold calculated reasoning and must sit at home, munching chocolate and reading dime paperbacks, until our husbands come home to direct us. If the men never came home we’d go on reading and eating chocolate until we died of bedsores.

Men, on the other hand, are not plagued by hormones. Men do not require sanitary napkins. Men’s genitals never produce fluids, because men have no hormones at all. That’s right. None. Men are rational, unemotional creatures. They operate by cold logic. If you deny this, you do not have Right Reason.

Since men are so rational and unemotional, they are natural born leaders. That is why God ordained that the best form of government is a good old-fashioned monarchy, passed down from father to son while the wife stays home to nurse and Catechize the young prince. Men were designed by God to lead. Their lack of hormones carries with it a lack of passion; they are placid, merciful, and just. The proof for this is in the course of history. Put down the dime novel and look back across the course of history with me. Careful not to get chocolate stains on the timeline. Notice how logical and free from strife the course of human history is. Notice how we have never had wars, pogroms, riots, revolutions or rapes. This is because, for most of history, the majority of leaders have been men, and men don’t let their emotions govern their actions the way women do. Just look at the chastity, cold reason and self-control of the traditional male monarch throughout history. Look at Nero. Look at Charlemagne. Look at Henry VIII. Pillars of logic.

Foolish and hysterical feminists would like to ruin history by demanding that women have an equal chance to be in charge. God help us. If they did that, their hormones might get the better of them. They might start a war, or have sex with an underling. I shudder to imagine the chaos. If you don’t shudder as well, then you do not have Right Reason.

Men, indeed, are so rational that you needn’t worry about whether your daughter’s skirt is a bit shorter than the dress code demands. Why, men are not emotional; they are creatures of logic. You could walk into the throne room of any man stark raving naked without fear that he would so much as–

Wait, no, I’ve got that wrong. The same people who tell me that men are rational, women are emotional and women ruin everything they touch with their raging hormones; are the ones who tell me that a man’s unchastity is a woman’s fault. Any man, I’m told, can fall into lust and pornography addiction at a moment’s notice (women apparently never use pornography). All men, I’m told, make rape jokes in locker rooms to impress other men, unless they’re gay. Men are very visually-based, and inclined to lust if we don’t keep our knees and collarbones covered. Modesty in dress is necessary to protect men’s hearts from sin, because they can’t protect themselves. Men can’t be expected to keep cool if a woman is hot. Women can’t be expected not to be compromised if they don’t wear long skirts and go to the bathroom in groups.

So, that’s my question. Which is it? Are men logical, or are men hormonal and therefore emotional like me?

Because, holding both positions at once doesn’t seem to be very rational.

Maybe my hormones just caused me to miss the reasoning behind your argument.

I’m just a woman, after all. I don’t have Right Reason.

And I need some more chocolate.

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