Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Catholic
I’m Going To Write A Dystopian Novel

I’m Going To Write A Dystopian Novel

Last updated on: October 18, 2016 at 10:16 pm by Mary Pezzulo

I’m Going To Write A Dystopian Novel 2016-10-18T22:16:35-04:00 Mary Pezzulo

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

typewriter-1004433_640

(image via Pixabay)

I’m going to write a dystopian science fiction novel for teens. Or rather, I’m going to write three novels and call it a trilogy; then about a year later I’ll release the fourth follow-up novel and call it a saga, even though that’s not what “saga” means. And bibliophiles who bought the boxed set of three matching mass-market paperbacks in a slipcase that says “trilogy” on it will be depressed. But they will buy the fourth book anyway. I’ll get a minimum of seven blockbuster films out of my saga. Diehard fans will complain that they alter the text somewhat, but they’ll go see them anyway, and they’ll pay twice as much for the director’s cut later.

I am going to write a dystopian teen sci-fi story where the simple, homespun, raggedy country folk are the oppressive and violent regime, persecuting the peaceful eccentrically dressed effeminate people who live in a steel-and-glass futuristic city. Just to be more realistic and lifelike.

My novel’s main character will be a quirky but beautiful teenage girl with a ridiculous name like “Plumeria,” who is reasonably confident in her own abilities and looks. There will be absolutely no angst about how she can’t possibly win the deadly challenge before her, just her own helpless teenage self against the big bad world. There will be no obsessing over why certain characters seem to like her and heap her with compliments. In fact, in the very first paragraph of the first novel, she will declare that she has about an 80% chance of success depending on the weather, and she rates her looks a nine. In addition, she will have a younger sibling of whom she is fiercely protective, and the sibling will have an even stupider name. Her parents will not be very helpful.

The antagonists, the characters we’re actually supposed to hate, will have the insufferable Mary Sue-esque total lack of confidence. They will stare, blankly confused, if someone calls them attractive. They will fret. They will repeat over and over that they have no chance. They will be correct.

Plumeria will be pursued at all times by not one but two well-muscled male love interests. One of these interests will be a light-haired, gentle, boring goody-two-shoes with the name of a wholesome bread product, like “Pumpernickel.” The other will be a dark-haired maverick with cruel intentions and the name of a weather phenomenon, like “Sleet.” Pumpernickel and Sleet will be in tacit rivalry, exchanging barbs and sharp looks with one another whenever they meet. The heroine will notice this instantly because she’s not an idiot. In the end, she will choose neither of them, because she has taken a vow of celibacy and likes it. Both Pumpernickle and Sleet will get scabies unless I can think of something worse to do to them, because I dislike love interests in teen novels even more than I dislike false humility.

Plumeria will not have a nonthreatening black mentor nor a lovable drunk mentor, but she will come to know and love a cute little girl who dies tragically. That’s a venerable trope that goes back further than Dickens.

There will be warring factions, known either by a number or another ridiculous name.

There will be emotionless footsoldiers who deceptively wear white armor.

There will be brainwashing for the good of society via intense sadistic torture, hopefully for both Pumpernickel and Sleet.

There will be an Emperor or President or something, and he will be oily. Literally. I shall name him, “President Oily.”

There will be computers with a suspiciously small number of buttons, which perform suspiciously specific tasks with just one click.

At the end of the series, Plumeria will be given the opportunity to Take Vengeance On Her Enemy. Everyone will expect her to Take Vengeance On Her Enemy. She’ll be in a large crowd of people and be given a weapon to Take Vengeance On Her Enemy. And then, in a stunning plot twist… she’ll go ahead and take vengeance. Because I hate the tired trope that every single time a beautiful young heroine is given a weapon to take vengeance, she turns around and surprises the audience by shooting someone else. In addition, Plumeria will never make a bratty statement about girl power after killing someone. She’ll just kill them and not make a crack afterwards. There will be a great deal of controversy over whether Plumeria really counts as a Strong Female Character, since she doesn’t make bratty statements after she kills people.

Charismatics will claim that my saga is a gateway drug to “the occult” and design horrible websites about it.

Franciscan University students will claim that my saga is “so pro-life, man. Every life in that book mattered. Pumpernickel is really symbolic.”

Youth group leaders will try to make clever references to my saga. They will fail miserably, and the youth will roll their eyes.

Hip young English professors will teach 300-level courses on my saga as a cultural phenomenon, and other professors will quietly wonder if that’s going too far.

I am gonna be so rich.

Previous Post

October 18, 2016

CFS From a Bystander's Viewpoint

Next Post

October 19, 2016 A Triumph and a Requiem

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category abortion Abuse Advent America American Christianity angel angels Annunciation Appalachia apparition apparition chaser apparition chasers apparition culture art art review babies baby baby Jesus Bad Lip Reading bad statue contest bath beauty Bible story blog blogkeeping blood book review Brandon Sanderson breastfeeding bus Catholic catholic conspiracy alarmism Catholic Oppositional Disorder Charismatic Renewal Charlie the Cat chastity Christ Christian idenitity Christianity and Judaism Chronic Illness clean clothing COD piece comedy compassion conscience conspiracy theory conversion cop-on-black violence Crucifixion cry of the poor culture Daesh Daily Saints death death penalty devotional diaconate diaper diapers dirty disability Donald Trump Dorothy Day dream drugs Eastern Catholicism Eastern Christianity education election election update Elsewhere on Patheos empathy environment Fear feminism film review fish flashback fluffy buns food Franciscan University of Steubenville Friendship Room fun Gabriel gardening gospel hair-splitting Heaven hell heresy Hillary Clinton history Holly the Witch Holy Spirit holy war Homeschooling homosexuality horror human dignity humor Icon idol immigrants infection inter-religious dialogue Interpretation of Scripture Islam Jesus Jihad Joseph joy laity and lay vocations lamb dinner laundry lent lgbtq literature love manners Mary Medicine and Science Meditation mercy mess milk misogyny Missouri monasticism monster motherhood mourn with those mourn movies movis music mystery nature neurodiversity New Pro-Life Movement news nonsense nostalgia O antiphons obituary objectification Ohio Valley Ordinary Time ordination Ordo Amoris parable paradox Passover peanut butter personal beliefs pets philosophy Planet Charismatic poetry politics polls poop Pope Francis Pope Leo power in the Church prayer prayer request prayers preferential option for non-violence president presidential election priest primary private revelation pro-life prophecy Public face of Catholicism Pure Flix Q and A race racism random rape rape. sexuality reader's request Reckoners refugee religious trauma ressurrection Right to life Saints saints and celebrations same-sex same-sex marriage satire scandal secular feasts seder Seven Joys Seven Last Words sex sexual ethics sexuality silencing six months skid row slavery social justice Speculative fiction spiritual abuse spoon stain story suffering suffrage suffragette Sunday Gospel temple Tenebrae Responsories Terror the exorcist The Friendship Room The New Pro-Life Movement Things I Learned on the Internet tin cup traffic true story tv review Uncategorized USCCB vice and temptation violence Virtue virtue and vice war Way of the Cross whimsy whole life women's ordination work of mercy Year A

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What famous prophecy is given in Isaiah 53?

Select your answer to see how you score.

The suffering servant Messiah Cyrus the Great's reign Destruction of Edom Plague in Egypt