Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Catholic
When a Blessing Becomes an Idol

When a Blessing Becomes an Idol

Last updated on: July 28, 2016 at 2:16 pm by Mary Pezzulo

When a Blessing Becomes an Idol 2016-07-28T14:16:44-04:00 Mary Pezzulo

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

boy-990325_640

I was talking with my new friend just the other day… She and I hit it off right away, because we’re Catholic mothers of relatively small families. I’ve mentioned only have one daughter so far; by God’s grace I hope to have more someday.

My friend has four beautiful daughters. In the eyes of the world, four children is a whole lot of children, but in some Catholic circles that counts as a small family, and she’d been judged for not having enough children. It almost killed her to get that family, those four beautiful daughters; she had severe, life-threatening complications with her pregnancies. The babies were in the NICU, she was in the ICU after birth, for months during her pregnancies she needed IV medicine and bed rest. She was, understandably, badly traumatized by her childbirths. In most people’s eyes, that would count as a whole lot of extraordinary, heroic sacrifice for a whole lot of children. But her Catholic social circle didn’t see it that way.

Catholics in her circle kept casually saying “when you get pregnant again,” and recommending a midwife or folk remedies. When they realized she wasn’t planning on trying to get pregnant again, they were furious with her. She was lectured to her face and eventually shunned; she goes to a different Catholic church now.

I haven’t had experiences nearly as bad as hers, but I’ve had my share, so she and I were talking. We joked about the thousand-yard stare and about how horrible it feels to be in a room full of women discussing their happy birth stories when your birth was a horrendous, PTSD-inducing nightmare. We groused about natural family planning (which I do practice). I explained that in my area, there is sometimes a rivalry between families who believe it’s required by the Catholic Church to track your mucus obsessively and space your children an exact number of months apart, and the families who believe it’s a sin to use NFP for anything other than taking advantage of fertility to have the maximum number of pregnancies. Just for the record, and I know I’m going to get in trouble for saying this, neither one of those options is required by Catholicism, though either one or neither might be a good one for your individual family.

My friend said ” I’d imagine they still do the ‘children as Star Trek collar rank pips’ game though. I finally made Captain, but I got assigned to a garbage scow.”

Oh, that game.

It was actually a more common game in the homeschool group where I grew up, than I’ve noticed around here. Mothers with larger numbers of children were often presumed to be holier. The more children, the holier and more selfless the mother. Some ladies had an excuse– there was a pillar of the community who had only two children, but she had a severe hyperthyroid condition that caused miscarriages, so everyone knew she’d tried. Still, I saw the strangest obeisances paid to women with large numbers of children. Not every time, but often enough that I came to expect it.

“How many children do you have?” an older church lady would ask.

“Eight,” a tired pregnant woman would respond.

“Oh,” the church lady would say, backing up a little and inclining her head. “God bless you.”

Not “that’s wonderful,” which a large number of offspring definitely is, but “God bless you” in a reverent, almost worshipful tone, as if recognizing that the mother had special merit for having been able to have eight children. As if having a lot of children was a sign of holiness.

And, unless someone knew their excuse, having a small family was often seen as a sign of selfishness or unfaithfulness to the Church. My mother once critiqued a drawing I had made of a generic father, mother, sister, brother and baby: “That’s not a Catholic homeschooling family. They don’t have enough kids.”

I have known a lot of families with large numbers of children. Some of them are the best people imaginable.When I lived in the crazy apartment in the worst part of town, I knew a family with ten children (they have eleven now) and I’m pretty sure the whole lot of them are saints. They’d been struck by a sudden misfortune and found themselves poorer than church mice; they camped out in their three-bedroom barely habitable rental house without utilities half the time, with hardly any furniture, growing most of their meager diet in the neighbors’ vacant lot. Every one of them looked pale and malnourished. But they were always joyful, always praying and signing hymns; they always insisted on giving me a bag of home-grown tomatoes to take back to the apartment with me even though they were poorer than I. When they didn’t have anything to give, they got in a circle and prayed over me. They never let me leave empty-handed, even if all they had were their prayers. I was so happy when I found out they’d gotten a new place to move to and had their material needs met; they deserved a miracle. They’re wonderful.

My daughter’s godfather is also from a huge family– he’s the second oldest of ten. He’s the most generous person I know, and I’m sure he gets a lot of that from his parents, his upbringing in a huge family. I also have a cousin who comes from a family of eight children. Right now he has three daughters of his own, one of whom is severely disabled. The way he cares for her is admirable, and I know he learned some of that selfless love from being in a big family. Large families can be a wonderful thing; they can be a place to learn generosity and self-sacrifice, tolerance of others and reverence for children.

And then there are the times when large families are not holy.

Previous Post

July 14, 2016

Things I Learned On The Internet Lately

Next Post

July 14, 2016 God Have Mercy on France

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category abortion Abuse Advent America American Christianity angel angels Annunciation Appalachia apparition apparition chaser apparition chasers apparition culture art art review babies baby baby Jesus Bad Lip Reading bad statue contest bath beauty Bible story blog blogkeeping blood book review Brandon Sanderson breastfeeding bus Catholic catholic conspiracy alarmism Catholic Oppositional Disorder Charismatic Renewal Charlie the Cat chastity Christ Christian idenitity Christianity and Judaism Chronic Illness clean clothing COD piece comedy compassion conscience conspiracy theory conversion cop-on-black violence Crucifixion cry of the poor culture Daesh Daily Saints death death penalty devotional diaconate diaper diapers dirty disability Donald Trump Dorothy Day dream drugs Eastern Catholicism Eastern Christianity education election election update Elsewhere on Patheos empathy environment Fear feminism film review fish flashback fluffy buns food Franciscan University of Steubenville Friendship Room fun Gabriel gardening gospel hair-splitting Heaven hell heresy Hillary Clinton history Holly the Witch Holy Spirit holy war Homeschooling homosexuality horror human dignity humor Icon idol immigrants infection inter-religious dialogue Interpretation of Scripture Islam Jesus Jihad Joseph joy laity and lay vocations lamb dinner laundry lent lgbtq literature love manners Mary Medicine and Science Meditation mercy mess milk misogyny Missouri monasticism monster motherhood mourn with those mourn movies movis music mystery nature neurodiversity New Pro-Life Movement news nonsense nostalgia O antiphons obituary objectification Ohio Valley Ordinary Time ordination Ordo Amoris parable paradox Passover peanut butter personal beliefs pets philosophy Planet Charismatic poetry politics polls poop Pope Francis Pope Leo power in the Church prayer prayer request prayers preferential option for non-violence president presidential election priest primary private revelation pro-life prophecy Public face of Catholicism Pure Flix Q and A race racism random rape rape. sexuality reader's request Reckoners refugee religious trauma ressurrection Right to life Saints saints and celebrations same-sex same-sex marriage satire scandal secular feasts seder Seven Joys Seven Last Words sex sexual ethics sexuality silencing six months skid row slavery social justice Speculative fiction spiritual abuse spoon stain story suffering suffrage suffragette Sunday Gospel temple Tenebrae Responsories Terror the exorcist The Friendship Room The New Pro-Life Movement Things I Learned on the Internet tin cup traffic true story tv review Uncategorized USCCB vice and temptation violence Virtue virtue and vice war Way of the Cross whimsy whole life women's ordination work of mercy Year A

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who was the last king of Israel before the Assyrian conquest?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Hoshea Shallum Amon Jehoahaz