Queen Hillary’s Election Diary

Last updated on: April 15, 2015 at 3:40 pm by Fr. Dwight Longenecker

Queen Hillary’s Election Diary 2015-04-15T15:40:32-05:00 Fr. Dwight Longenecker

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As we begin our journey across America to listen to our people we thought it good to keep a journal of our pilgrimage. Courtiers have jokingly referred to this as my “journey journal”. What light hearted and witty jesters we have are fortunate to employ in the House of Clinton!

We travel as ordinary Americans across this great realm in a vehicle they refer to as a “van”. This vehicle is a box shaped carriage which is spacious inside, and is fitted with most of the security features to which we have become accustomed. The “van” has suitably upholstered seating and one of the court jesters asked me if it was big enough to have a “throne room”. I believe he was referring to the WC. How droll!

Earlier this week our entourage visited a charming town called “Ohio.” This is a village where I am told a good number of “everyday Americans” live. No doubt these are peasant, excuse me, I meant to say “pleasant” women who stay at home to bake cookies. We were able to see one or two as we drove through the town they call “Pennsylvania”. Our Chief Communications Courtier put the smoked window on the van down and we were able to wave at one of the women. I believe she may have been eating something called a “pretzel.”

What a joy it is to connect with our people and listen to their needs in such an intimate way! The next day we visited a charming town called “Indiana”. We are told that this is where the Indians originated. Our great grandmother Queen Victoria Secret was, of course, also the Empress of Indiana, so it was pleasant to drive through her realm.

We then entered the most charming city of Iowa. Our election steward told me that there were many farmers who lived in Iowa and that they are the sort of charming folk who (to quote our dear friend the Earl of Obama, “cling to their religion and guns.” As we looked from the dark tinted windows there were indeed many acres of “farmland” where we are told much of the food for our fair land comes from. This came as a surprise to me as I always thought that our food came from restaurants in Manhattan!

What a privilege to see from a distance some of the farmers who make this food! We were fortunate to speak with some of them for a few moments. We shook hands while the photographers took pictures for a few minutes, then we got back into the “van” for a delightful trip to one of the palaces of our good friend Sir Conrad Hilton and his charming wife Perez.

One does regret somewhat the time it is taking to do so much listening. The Lord High Treasurer reminds us that we could be doing more royal appearances for which the House of Clinton Foundation receives $300,000 for less than an hour’s appearance. We always listen carefully to the advice of the Lord High Treasurer, but he needs to be reminded that all revenue which goes to the House of Clinton Foundation is used for charitable purposes, like the advancement of women’s rights. We are always especially pleased to remind him how much countries like Sandi Arabia and the Sultana of Brunei donate to our cause.

One of the court jesters pointed out that these countries stone women for adultery, use arranged marriages, don’t allow women to vote or drive and often sell them into sex slavery. What an ironical and comical court jester we have! So amusing!

We finally ended our day with a state dinner.

We are uncertain however, exactly in which state it took place…

Queen Hillary

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