Slubgrip’s Catholic Hot Gossip Update!

Last updated on: December 27, 2014 at 12:53 pm by Fr. Dwight Longenecker

Slubgrip’s Catholic Hot Gossip Update! 2014-12-27T12:53:58-05:00 Fr. Dwight Longenecker

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Guest blogger Slubgrip teacher Popular Culture 101 at Bowelbages University in the seventh circle of the Infernal Kingdom. His letters of diabolical instruction have been published as The Gargoyle Code and a volume of his lectures on popular culture will be published next year as Slubgrip Instructs.

Ooh! So much hot Catholic gossip to spread about this morning! Before I start, let me remind readers that they should believe every shock, horror headline they read. It makes life so much more interesting! Please don’t check the facts, and for badness’ sake, do not attempt any sort of subtle or nuanced explanation. Believe the worst and remember, if you can’t say something nasty, don’t say anything at all.

First of all, I’m pleased to report that Pope Francis has had another interview with the decrepit Italian journalist and composer Antonio Salieri. Salieri, who is very jealous of Pope Bergoglio’s happy go lucky ways, is always trying to undermine him while appearing to be his friend. He invites Pope Francis down for an intellectual conversation in a little pizzeria in the Borgo and then writes up the conversation as an “interview”. Salieri doesn’t record the conversation or even take notes, but has reported to the world that Pope Francis thinks 20% of Catholic clergy are pedophiles and most of the cardinals are probably sexual perverts.

We succeeded to catch a few headlines and hammer home our message that Catholic priests are a bunch of low life creeps. The fact that we got Pope Francis himself to say so was a considerable coup on our part. Our servant Salieri did a good job.

Just when we’ve managed to put words into Francis’ mouth again that very unpleasant Fr Lombardi wades in with his “clarification”. I do wish they’d put that man to work doing something sensible like being a missionary to Outer Mongolia. One of the enemy’s minions– a nauseating little deacon named Kandra (he takes vacations to Disney World of all places! How common is that?) writes about it here and thinks he is “setting the record straight.” He’s living in his own Magic Kingdom. What he doesn’t realize is that no one really wants to be bothered with things as tiresome as facts. It’s much juicier to believe the gossip, so it is our job to keep churning it out.

One of the deacon’s friends is a “single mother” who calls herself The Crescat. This disgusting creature writes a blog which calls itself Catholic but is never pious, self righteous or somber. She works hard at an ordinary job and we can’t seem to get her down. Not even when I got Dogsworm to appear in the form of a chupacabra could we frighten her off. She simply dashed some holy water in our direction, swore and told poor Dogsworm to get lost. Crescat? Catastrophe more like. She comments on our attempts to besmirch the Pope with more lies by suggesting that Catholics needn’t hang on every casual word, phone call and eyebrow twitch of the Pope anyway. Her witty piece here is most annoying because some Catholics might take it seriously and get on with the ordinary work of praying, serving the poor and worshipping the enemy rather than gossiping about the Pope.

Another juicy morsel this weekend was the headline that a German cardinal thinks same sex relationships are on a par with marriage. Cardinal Rainer Maria Woelki was reported to have said, “If two homosexuals take responsibility for each other, if they are loyal to each other over the long term, then one should see this in the same way as heterosexual relations.” Diane Korzeniewski actually took the time to track down the actual interviews and their translations from German. What a little rat! Why do these Catholic bloggers do this? Don’t they have anything better to do than expose the shoddy journalism we have been so diligent in producing? Don’t they have anything better to do than to nit pick over “words that are taken out of context” or “faulty mistranslations”? Not only did “Lady Di” do the research, but she then went on to write this nasty little piece in which she goes all hoity toity and self righteous about “gossip and the sin of slander”. Oh, give me a break! Doesn’t the sickening blogger know that the world turns on gossip? How else are our servants in the mainstream media going to sell papers without some gossip?

At the end of last week we were just about making some headway with another tidbit from the mouth of Pope Francis when we were undermined yet again. Bergoglio went out of his way to meet with some Evangelical Charismatics, and in a private conversation over lunch he supposedly told them that he did not want to convert them to Catholicism. No doubt he was assuring them that any kind of arm twisting conversion would not be worth it in the long run, and that he wanted to befriend and encourage them. No matter. We were able to twist this into a headline that upset some traditionalist Catholics. If we can divide them from the Catholic Church we will have made some good progress, but the commentators observed that once again, this was a report by one individual based on a private conversation, that nothing was formal or in written form from Bergoglio.

Well, we mustn’t be too downcast. We never pretended the battle would be easy, but I do wish some of these Catholic bloggers would stop tapping away and do something useful–like getting involved in politics.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Check out my Screwtape Letters type book The Gargoyle Code here.

Uncategorized

Previous Post

July 12, 2014

The Real Celestine Prophecy

Next Post

July 14, 2014 Church of England Votes for Women Bishops

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Anglican Matters Apologetics Architecture Blobble Study Book Reviews Brideshead Caitlin O'Rourke Catholic Art Catholic Culture Church Politics Chust for Nice Contemporary Culture Duane Mandible Ed Blanch Film Reviews Fr Harvey Nicolaitan Frank Viola Mantilla the Hon More Christianity Mrs Brady Catholic Old Lady Mystery of the Magi Norman Anderson Queen Hillary Saints and Supernatural Spirituality The Inklings The Vicar Theology Todd Unctuous Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz