Mantilla goes to Mass

Last updated on: December 24, 2014 at 10:41 am by Fr. Dwight Longenecker

Mantilla goes to Mass 2014-12-24T10:41:37-05:00 Fr. Dwight Longenecker

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Special guest blogger, Mantilla Amontillado, writes on matters of ecclesiastical etiquette and haberdashery.

OK hon, I know you think maybe I’m a little bit of a nag sometimes, but this is what I’m thinking: if I don’t speak up who is going to? I didn’t do my degree in Ecclesiastical Haberdashery at Salamanca University for nothing you know?

Now I’m feeling pretty hot you know? And this is what is bothering me. I go to this mass not long ago at another parish, and no, I’m not going to tell you which one, but Fr. Elvis comes in and he’s got this kind of a game show approach to the liturgy. You know? I thought he was going to say, “Mantilla, today is your lucky day! Come on down and let’s make a deal!” But he didn’t he sort of saunters in and says, “Howya all doin’ today? Anybody from Cincinnati? How are the Red Sox doin’? I heard this story once about this girl who wore red socks…The Lord be with you.”

You know what I mean? Well, I’m sitting there and my fan is going faster and faster, and it’s not because of the flies I can tell you. I’m starting to feel all hot under my mantilla because this priest is not reverent at all, and is behaving like he’s some kind of stand up comic. But I am keeping my mouth shut because it is the holy mass and all, but then this woman comes out dressed in one of those cassock albs and it looks like she’s dressed in a duvet cover and she has this red rope around her middle and she looks all trussed up like she got tangled up in the window dressings.

Anyway, she comes forward at the offertory and starts to prepare the altar and she puts this pottery chalice on the altar and a pottery plate like it’s some kind of big deal. Then the priest steps up, and this woman stands at his side like she’s a deacon and she looks real happy like maybe she’s just eaten a cream puff. Then the priest says, “Blessed are you lord God of all creation through you goodness we have this bread to offer and this plate which was made by Daphne with her own hands.” I’m thinking to myself that maybe the woman is called Daphne, and she’s a religious sister or something. Turns out I’m right.

What am I going to do? I ask you hon, what would you do? So after Mass I say to the priest, “Look Father, this pottery chalice made by Daphne…this is against the rules. You know it has got to stop. You should use precious metals for the precious blood.” He smiles at me like I’m some kind of retarded child and says, “The Mass is for the people of God and Daphne made the chalice and paten with her own hands. Isn’t that beautiful?”

Honest, I was ready to smack him over the head with my fan, but Daphne was standing there too with one of those ‘I dare you to be a traditional Catholic’ smiles on her face so I smiled, folded up my fan and put it in my handbag and marched off.

Besides, Daphne was bigger than me…Much bigger.

Previous Post

July 28, 2009

Insanity and Prayer

Next Post

July 31, 2009 St Ignatius Loyola

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Anglican Matters Apologetics Architecture Blobble Study Book Reviews Brideshead Caitlin O'Rourke Catholic Art Catholic Culture Church Politics Chust for Nice Contemporary Culture Duane Mandible Ed Blanch Film Reviews Fr Harvey Nicolaitan Frank Viola Mantilla the Hon More Christianity Mrs Brady Catholic Old Lady Mystery of the Magi Norman Anderson Queen Hillary Saints and Supernatural Spirituality The Inklings The Vicar Theology Todd Unctuous Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz