Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Progressive Christian
LBCF, No. 110: ‘Sexiest Man Alive’

LBCF, No. 110: ‘Sexiest Man Alive’

Last updated on: December 2, 2016 at 1:43 pm by Fred Clark

LBCF, No. 110: ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ 2016-12-02T13:43:44-05:00 Fred Clark

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Originally posted April 28, 2007.

Read this entire series, for free, via the convenient Left Behind Index. This post is also part of the ebook collection The Anti-Christ Handbook: Volume 1, available on Amazon for just $2.99. Volume 2 of The Anti-Christ Handbook, completing all the posts on the first Left Behind book, is also now available.

Left Behind, pp. 268-274

Wherein Buck and Steve watch TV, a couple of comic bits fall flat, and Nicolae tells the Beave, in detail, about his plans to bring the U.N. into accord with premillennial dispensationalist numerology.

Buck finally finishes his shower (this time he only spent five pages in the bathroom) and learns from Steve that NYPD detectives have just been by the office, looking for Buck. Apparently, his reputation as a workaholic has saved him this time — since it’s around 10:30 p.m. and the police decided to check the office first instead of coming to his apartment.

They decide to stick with Buck’s plan of asking Nicolae for help and they hop into a cab just as the police are pulling up outside of Buck’s place. To prep for his “exclusive” interview with Carpathia, Buck wants to watch his prior interview on Nightline, so they head over to the home of Marge Potter, Steve’s secretary and the Global Weekly den mother:

[Marge] said her husband liked to watch his M*A*S*H rerun at that time of night but that she could talk him into taping it tonight.

Back when I lived in the Metro NY broadcast area, the M*A*S*H reruns were on at 11, ending before Nightline. But that’s kind of a minor quibble compared with, say, the fact that Buck hasn’t slept or eaten in the past 24 hours. The point of this, though, was to introduce Marge’s husband as a “just folks” observer, someone who would show us the common person’s reaction to Carpathia while injecting a bit of comic relief.

Marge’s husband was none too pleased to be displaced from his favorite spot and his favorite show, but even he was intrigued when Nightline began. Carpathia was either a natural or well-coached. He looked directly into the camera whenever possible and appeared to be speaking to individual viewers.

The host, “Wallace Theodore,” begins by saying that the live broadcasts of both of Carpathia’s press conferences and his speech were replayed throughout the evening on all the news channels. “You’ve become a popular man in this country seemingly all at once,” he says.

Carpathia smiled. “Like anyone from Europe, particularly Eastern Europe, I am amazed at your technology. I –”

“But isn’t it true, sir, that your roots are actually in Western Europe? Though you were born in Romania, are you not by heritage actually Italian?”

“That is true, as it is true of many native Romanians. Thus the name of our country. But as I was saying about your technology. It is amazing, but I confess I did not come to your country to become or to be made into a celebrity. …”

The Romanian = Roman bit might work a little better if Nicolae’s surname were not taken from a mountain range that’s nowhere near Italy, or if there were any truth to the idea that many Romanians are ethnically Italian, but such inconvenient facts don’t matter as much as the requirements of the Bible Prophecy Antichrist Identification System, which calls for a Roman Antichrist. I’m also not convinced that Nicolae’s feigned “amazement” at the technological marvel of broadcast television makes him seem either “a natural or well-coached,” but let’s move on to Wally Ted’s next question:

“But is it not true that you just came from a photo session with People magazine?”

“Yes, but I –”

“And is it not also true that they have already named you their newest Sexiest Man Alive?”

The idea here ain’t bad: People declaring the Antichrist the Sexiest Man Alive. That’s got potential. The annual honor is, itself, inherently funny, and juxtaposing it here with the avatar of pure evil ought to provide rich raw material for comedy.

“I do not know what that means, really,” Nicolae protests before contradicting himself, “… and I was under the impression that they do the sexy-man coverage in January each year, so it is too early for next year and too close to this year’s.”

The title was, indeed, given out in January of 1995. It seems that Jenkins actually broke with his usual practice and looked this up. When you consider the multitude of factual and geographical errors in this book that could easily have been avoided with the slightest effort at research, the fact that he took the extra step to make sure he got this right is deeply odd.

Oh, and he didn’t quite get this right, either. It seems 1995 was an unusual year for People, and the annual honor is not usually done in January (here’s the complete list).

The Cleaver Brothers point out that Nicolae’s off-schedule coronation is an even bigger deal than usual. “People magazine is breaking tradition by, in effect, unseating their current sexiest man and installing you in his place,” he says.

All of which might be funny if L&J hadn’t tried to spring this joke here, a mere one week to the day after the Event.

We’re told that the reigning Mr. Sexy, a “young singing star,” had gotten into trouble for trashing a hotel room, so the magazine was looking for a face-saving replacement. It would have fit in better with the previous 250 pages if the incumbent SMA had disappeared during the Event, though of course any acknowledgment of those disappearances would also spoil the joke.

Think for just a few seconds about what the first few post-Event editions of People magazine would look like. You’d have pages profiling those celebrities (in the expansively elastic, People-sense of the term) who were among the disappeared, including tastefully mournful coverage of the “heartache” now facing the parents of every child-star in the world. Think about the unbridled frenzy of coverage given to little Suri Cruise or to the newly adopted children of “Branjelina.” Now imagine all those strangely named celebrity babies suddenly vanished. Do you really think that even Nightline, let alone People, would be able to spare a moment’s notice for a speech at the U.N. by the president of Romania?

Beaver moves on to a different subject:

“How do you respond to those who say you skirted protocol and that your elevation to the presidency in Romania was partially effected by strong-arm tactics?”

“I would say that that is the perfect way to attack a pacifist, one who is committed to disarmament not only in Romania and the rest of Europe but also globally.”

“So you deny having a business rival murdered seven years ago and using intimidation and powerful friends in America to usurp the president’s authority in Romania?”

Well, unlike Buck it seems the folks at ABC News have actually done a bit of homework on this guy before their interview. Fortunately for Nicolae, Wallace Theodore subscribes to the Tim Russert school of interviews. He asks “tough” questions, but doesn’t bother to follow up when the interviewee dodges them:

“The so-called murdered rival was one of my dearest friends, and I mourn him bitterly to this day.”

That’s a non-denial denial, but it satisfies Theodore, as well as Buck and Steve watching the interview on TV. Col. Potter is particularly impressed:

Marge’s husband growled, “This Roman kid is light on his feet.”

“Romanian,” Marge corrected.

“I heard him say he’s a full-blood Eye-talian,” her husband said. …

Ah, nothing like over-broad comic relief. But I wonder, could we make this less funny by making it even broader?

“I heard him say he’s a full-blood Eye-talian,” her husband said. Marge winked at Steve and Buck.

There it is, the prose version of a laugh track. Fortunately, this is the last we ever see of Mr. Potter.

Not-Ted-Koppel then asks a few open-ended questions about Nicolae’s larger plan and vision and we’re treated to two opaque pages outlining the details of his scheme for U.N. reform leading to global disarmament: He wants a security council of 10 permanent members instead of five, and he wants to get rid of the veto power held by the current permanent members replacing it with a system in which all votes must be unanimous. (I don’t understand how that’s different from giving everyone the veto power, but he seems to think it is.)

There’s no real rationale for the changes Nicolae is seeking other than the authors’ attempt to reconcile the structure of the U.N. with their interpretation of the numerology in the book of Revelation. I tried to follow the rest of the details of his plan, but frankly, St. John’s fever-dream visions made more sense than this section of LB. The bottom line seems to be that Nicolae wants the world to disarm completely, destroying 90 percent of all weaponry and “donating” the remaining 10 percent to the United Nations.

Here again what we are told cannot be reconciled with what we are shown. Nicolae, we are told, is preternaturally charismatic, “the consummate politician” and even the “Sexiest Man Alive.” See if you can hold that in your head at the same time as the following:

Carpathia went on to educate the audience that it was in 1965 that the U.N. amended its original charter to increase the Security Council from 11 to 15. …

“Sir, where did you get your encyclopedic knowledge of the U.N. and world affairs?”

“We all find time to do what we really want to do. This is my passion.”

This is the ultra-charismatic Sexiest Man Alive? He sounds more like the Guy You Don’t Want to Get Stuck Next to at a Dinner Party. He could at least have said, “This is my passion. That and rock climbing.”

NTK asks if Nicolae is seeking “a leadership role in the European Common Market,” but he denies he is seeking any such office. “Romania is not even a member,” he says (which was true in 1995, but not anymore).

I should point out here that the European Common Market has long been a favorite bugbear of PMD Bible “prophecy” seminars. Hal Lindsey, whose apocalyptic best-sellers of the 1970s helped to create the market for the Left Behind series, was somewhat obsessed with trying to reconcile the membership of the ECM with St. John’s numerology. Its seven members corresponded to the seven hills in Revelation. Its 10 members corresponded to the 10-horned beast. Its 11 members corresponded to the 10-horned beast and to the little horn. … (It’s possible he’s still at this. Such interpretations seem to be infinitely pliable. For example, the European Union today has 27 member states. Revelation 13:1 describes the beast out of the sea: “He had 10 horns and seven heads, with 10 crowns on his horns.” 10 + 7 + 10 = 27. What else could this passage possibly mean?)

Part of the subtext here may be L&J taking a swipe at Lindsey. Of course the beast in Revelation 13 isn’t a reference to the European Union. That’s just silly. Clearly the U.N. Security Council was what St. John had in mind.

Carpathia concludes his interview with this rallying cry:

“We must disarm, we must empower the United Nations, we must move to one currency, and we must become a global village.”

What he never explains, of course, is why “we must” do any of these things. The world is traumatized, still reeling from an unprecedented and incomprehensible disaster, so the situation is ideal for the rise of a demagogue. But every demagogue needs an enemy, a “them” for “us” to rally against.

It’s relatively easy to get frightened people to rally around a call to arms, but a call for universal disarmament is likely to be met with a bit more skepticism. Nicolae’s urgent plea for disarmament seems particularly poorly timed. A paragraph of technobabble about electromagnetism isn’t likely to overcome the suspicion that the earth has just been attacked. That being the case, most people wouldn’t be particularly inclined, just now, to get rid of their defenses.

Nicolae can’t even appeal to the concerns that fuel real-world calls for nuclear disarmament, since in the world of LB, nuclear apocalypse has already been unleashed and nobody got hurt. Now you’ve got a situation in which one former nuclear superpower has already been completely disarmed and in which the world has learned that full-scale nuclear war isn’t so bad after all, so who’s going to listen to some Romanian calling for universal disarmament and an end to national sovereignty?

It’s not just that I don’t find Nicolae’s plea persuasive, it’s that I don’t find it persuasive that anyone would find it persuasive.

Uncategorized

Left Behind

Previous Post

December 1, 2016

Postcards from the culture war (12.1.16)

Next Post

December 2, 2016 'Fantastic,' 'terrific' ways to tell when Trump is bluffing

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category class warfare evangelicals Iraq Left Behind Mammon music Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006 August 2006 July 2006 June 2006 May 2006 April 2006 March 2006 February 2006 January 2006 December 2005 November 2005 October 2005 September 2005 August 2005 July 2005 June 2005 May 2005 April 2005 March 2005 February 2005 January 2005 December 2004 November 2004 October 2004 September 2004 August 2004 July 2004 June 2004 May 2004 April 2004 March 2004 February 2004 January 2004 December 2003 November 2003 October 2003 September 2003

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

According to 1 John, what does perfect love do?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Fulfills all the law Never fails Drives out fear Covers a multitude of sins