Sede vacante: Groupon and the Vatican

Last updated on: March 1, 2013 at 11:20 am by Fred Clark

Sede vacante: Groupon and the Vatican 2013-03-01T11:20:07-05:00 Fred Clark

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The internal memo from former Groupon CEO Andrew Mason seems timely, considering that today marks the first full day of another prominent CEO’s resignation.

That other chief executive is no longer on Twitter, but if he wants to send out one final email to his employees, he might use Mason’s final message as a template, coming up with something like this:

People of Groupon the Roman Catholic Church,

After four and a half nearly eight intense and wonderful years as CEO of Groupon the pope, Bishop of Rome and Vicar of Jesus Christ, and Successor of St. Peter, Prince of the Apostles, I’ve decided that I’d like to spend more time with my family.

Reuters photo by Max Rossi

Just kidding — I was fired today. If you’re wondering why… you haven’t been paying attention. From controversial metrics in our S1 to our material weakness to two quarters of missing our own expectations and a stock price that’s hovering around one quarter of our listing price, “intellectual collapse in the West, the stench of moral corruption revealed by the decades of child-rape and cover-ups, and the resort to the crudest forms of authority and reactionaryism in response to new ideas, discoveries and truths about human nature” the events of the last year and a half seven years speak for themselves. As CEO Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, I am accountable.

You are doing amazing things at Groupon in the Church, and you deserve the outside world to give you a second chance. I’m getting in the way of that. A fresh CEO pope earns you that chance. The board is aligned behind the strategy we’ve shared over the last few months, and I’ve never seen you working together more effectively as a global company – It’s time to give Groupon the body of Christ a relief valve from the public noise.

For those who are concerned about me, please don’t be — I love Groupon the Church, and I’m terribly proud of what we’ve created. I’m OK with having failed at this part of the journey. If Groupon the Vatican was Battletoads, it would be like I made it all the way to the Terra Tubes without dying on my first ever play through. I am so lucky to have had the opportunity to take the company this far with all of you. I’ll now take some time to decompress (FYI I’m looking for a good fat camp to lose my Groupon 40, if anyone has a suggestion that’s what George and I like to call it these days), and then maybe I’ll figure out how to channel this experience into something productive.

If there’s one piece of wisdom that this simple pilgrim would like to impart upon you: have the courage to start with the customer laity, the poor and the oppressed. My biggest regrets are the moments that I let a lack of data override my intuition on what’s best for our customers all of God’s children. This leadership change gives you some breathing room to break bad habits and deliver sustainable customer happiness seek first the kingdom — don’t waste the opportunity!

I will miss you terribly.

Love,
Andrew Joe

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