Dark Devotional: Bigger Than Holy Dirt

Last updated on: July 20, 2018 at 10:12 am by Guest Contributor

Dark Devotional: Bigger Than Holy Dirt 2018-07-20T10:12:04-05:00 Guest Contributor

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Original art by the sparkly and crystalline Brian Jocks.

“There is nothing so secular it cannot be sacred.” Madeleine L’Engle

I am not Catholic. Nor do I identify with any of the Protestant branches, not even Anglican or Episcopalian. I do not identify with the Bible or even Jesus. But the God I imagine does most closely align with the Judeo-Christian tradition. She is someone I can get mad at, as the Psalmist does. She is love and mercy and compassion and light and energy. She is big enough for all the world’s religions and beliefs. She is big enough for crystals and energy work and shamanic rituals and medicine wheels. For all the belief systems.

And I am angry with her. After a 16-day hospitalization (the fact that I required higher care was the tipping point), I flew to Albuquerque, New Mexico, and was driven to Santa Fe, arriving at 1 am on a Saturday for a 28-day residential treatment program. The next day we went to Chimayo, a holy site of miracles and healings, with a beautiful representation of the twelve stations of the cross, a statue of Our Lady of Seven Sorrows, and a chapel of sorts with holy dirt.

While there, I knelt, which I never do, prayed “help,” crossed myself for irony, and rose. I even took some holy dirt. Just in case. I don’t know what I was expecting: a non-observant believer of sorts who has been emotionally shut down for 13 years asking for help. A miracle, maybe. I don’t know. Maybe I think God is bigger than She is and thus able to help me. Maybe She’s a He.

But here’s the deal: I need God to be that big, if not bigger than my anxiety and bipolar and fear of expressing emotion. And that’s pretty fucking big. This is how I can pray—without getting inordinately angry:

Dear Mother above and all around,

Blessed be your mysterious name.

May you be here and your will be clear,

As this earth will be our heaven.

Help us please, and forgive us

For the hurt we do unto you, ourselves, and others.

Deliver us from ourselves.

Let us be in our bodies and not our minds.

For you are glory forever and ever, amen.

*****

Annie Williams lives in Mount Hermon, California, is a graduate of Calvin College’s English program, and a barista at Santa Cruz Coffee Roasting Company. She hopes to become a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. In the meantime, she enjoys the company of a talented psychiatrist, the lovely people at the pharmacy, her brilliant therapist, and an irreplaceable support group of friends and family, all of whom play inextricably important roles in her life with bipolar II. Annie writes honestly about her struggles with mental health and faith at honestmemoir.blogspot.com

Previous Post

July 18, 2018

Sick Pilgrim Goes to the Movies: Kiki's Delivery Service

Next Post

July 23, 2018 I Want To Believe: Introduction

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Advent Approaching Mystery art Book Reviews Catholic Ghost Story Catholicism community Confession Current Events Dark Devotional Deconstruction Deconstruction Fellow Travelers I Want To Believe Interview Laudato Si Lent Mary Matthew's Letters Movie Reviews Music Reviews Our Charism Personal Essay Pilgrims Pope Francis Popular Piety Prayer Publishing Richard Beck Saints Satan Sheed and Ward Sick Pilgrim Charism Sick Pilgrim Chats Sick Pilgrim Events Sick Pilgrim Travelin' Medicine Show Sick Pilgrimage to The West Sick Pilgrims Small Joys Spiritual Autobiography Spooky Files of Ave Maria Magazine Spooky October Spooky Pilgrim Spooky Pilgrimage Strange Journey The Inklings Things Keeping Us Going Trying to Say God TV Reviews Uncategorized women in the Catholic Church Wonder Podcast Write the Vision

Select a Month February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 October 2019 September 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What is Jesus' most famous sermon called?

Select your answer to see how you score.

The Beatitudes The Parable of the Sower The Last Supper The Sermon on the Mount