Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

The Not So Excellent Wife

Home
General Christian
Family, Parenting and Religion
1 little word that can change your marriage in a big way

1 little word that can change your marriage in a big way

Last updated on: July 26, 2023 at 10:31 pm by Sheila Qualls

1 little word that can change your marriage in a big way 2023-07-26T22:31:29-06:00 Sheila Qualls

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

How to improve your marriage with healthy attitudes.

This little word can show you how to change your marriage in a big way: D.I.E.T.

We usually think of dieting as something we do to lose weight and get healthy. I used D.I.E.T. to change my marriage.

The Marriage D.I.E.T. is a lifestyle change that helped me change my marriage by making healthier matrimonial choices. After years of trial and error in my own marriage, I learned a few things that I condensed into a six-week course* to help women make better choices in their marriages. That’s how the concept of the Marriage D.I.E.T. was born: D.I.E.T.–Do It Every Time: Choose God’s Way.

Whether you’re on the rocks or rocking it, the Marriage D.I.E.T. can help you change your marriage.

The D.I.E.T. helps :

Break free from the yo-yo cycle when trying to connect with your husband
Shed unwanted mindsets that sabotage your marriage
Learn how to show respect without feeling less than
Gain skills for a better marriage

My own marriage started off rocky at best. After a year or so, I no longer recognized the guy who said “I do.” He’d changed. Instead of loving and caring, he seemed disinterested and withdrawn. I thought if I could fix him, we’d have a great marriage. I tried to tell him what to eat, how to dress, and how to manage money. The more demanding I became, the more distant he became until one day I woke up and realized he’d rather spend time caressing his game station controller than me.

Self-help books and counseling provided only short-term, unsustainable fixes. I wanted a great marriage with little to no effort from me. Unfortunately, I realized the only thing I could change was me (which seemed unfair because I thought he was the problem).

It’s a common myth that getting fit is only about eating healthy and exercising. But to sustain progress requires lifestyle change. Taking my marriage from flab to fit required a lifestyle change, too. And it was going to take some effort from me. Just like your day-to-day choices influence whether or not you’ll maintain health and vitality as you age, your day-to-day choices influence the health and vitality of your marriage.

How are losing excess weight and gaining a healthy marriage alike? Seems like a stretch, but it’s not. When we eat junk food, we gain weight and all the problems that come with it. Eat healthy foods; shed unwanted pounds. But we have to commit to making different choices routinely to maintain life-giving weight and health. Certain behaviors are like junk food to our marriages: criticism, withholding sex, and the silent treatment. They make you feel good, powerful even. But, they weigh your marriage down.

How to gain the marriage you want

The Marriage D.I.E.T. gives you tools to make different choices. It’s not the work of my genius. I came up with the name, but that’s about it. The tools are God-honoring, God-breathed options He expresses in His Word.

Using a health and wellness analogy, the Marriage D.I.E.T. is a biblically-based lifestyle change which gives women eye-opening, practical tools to make sustainable changes in their marriages. It’s grounded in principles that have stood the test of time.

The Marriage D.I.E.T. is about consistency: Do It Every Time. I can’t depend on making healthy relationship choices when I feel like it. Or when I’m having a good day. If I want change, I have to commit to making better choices every time.

Choosing God’s options will make a huge difference in anyone’s marriage. Like some diet programs, these choices are “prepackaged ” so you don’t have to think about a response. It’s already prepared for you. You tailor it to fit your situation. When you’re tempted to be a grump, you have a plan to be kind. When you feel entitled to let off some steam, you have a plan to practice self-control.

After a while, these choices become second nature to most women who are serious about doing whatever it takes to have the marriage they’ve always longed for. The hardest part is recognizing what needs to be done.

These small sustainable lifestyle choices can transform the way you engage with your husband in a big way. Once you recognize and spit out the unwanted habits, it gets easier.

Why do I always have to make the change?

Somewhere along this journey, you might think (like I did), “It’s not worth it.” But if you stick with it, you’re going to love what happens in your marriage.

Let’s be real. In the beginning, you won’t choose God’s way every time. You might not even want to. I didn’t. In fact, you may think, “Why do I always have to be the one to make changes?” I did. Your husband has responsibility in the marriage. I’m not saying he doesn’t. Neither does God. But I can only change me.

When you choose different ways of relating to your husband, he’ll most likely change the way he responds to you. As with dieting, your marriage won’t change overnight. But it will change.

If you’e anything like me, you’re going to mess up. You’re going to unintentionally disrespect him. Sometimes you’ll make a conscience choice to be mean. You’re human. But once you understand how your choices affect your marriage, you’ll want to behave differently. You’ll want to cut out the “junk food,” eat more “veggies,” and make healthier choices.

By making gradual changes, you’ll gain practical, sustainable skills that’ll have your marriage fit in less time than you imagined.

Faith was a major factor in the transformation of my marriage. I suppose it was more like exercising my faith. I’ve always believed in God, but I only called on Him for the big stuff. Money and life and death issues. Marriage, I figured, I could handle on my own. I discovered He has all the answers. He tells us how to treat each other in His word. I started to understand I had to let Him–not me– control everything because He has a plan.

The key is consistency. Like millions of women, I used a pattern similar to yo-yo dieting when I tried to improve my marriage. In a yo-yo pattern, you diet, cut out empty calories or high fat and high sugar foods, maybe start exercising. You might even do something radical like eat only yogurt and kale. You begin losing weight and looking good.

But you’re frustrated. You ease up on your efforts. You’re tired of going to the gym. You’re tired of turning down that brownie for a carrot stick instead. So, you reach for the bag of chips, even though you know you shouldn’t.

You do what’s easy and natural. And frankly, it feels good. So, you Door Dash Taco Bell instead of cooking a healthy meal, skip your workout, and binge watch Yellowstone on Amazon Prime. You stop making healthy choices and start doing what you’ve always done.

And what happens? You gain the weight back and start looking like you’ve always looked…or worse. Then the cycle starts all over. That’s why it’s called yo-yo—your weight is up and down, up and down.

The same pattern can happen in marriage. You realize there’s a problem. It’s usually him, right? You’re not perfect, but you’re better than him. So, you’re usually on his case, trying to fix him, which doesn’t do any good.

You decide to try a different approach. No matter how much he annoys you, you vow to stop nagging. You’re nicer. You compliment him. It’s tough, but your marriage seems to be getting better. Then he blows it. He doesn’t take out the trash or leaves the kitchen a mess.

Or maybe you’ve just had a bad day. You’re done. If he’s not going to change, why should you? Treating him “nice” doesn’t seem to matter.

So you go back to familiar patterns—criticizing, complaining. Telling him what he’s doing wrong. You start treating him like you’ve always treated him, and improvements go down the drain. Then the cycle starts all over again.

You can learn to feast on healthy skills that work and toss out the junk we usually feed our marriages. Your marriage will change. I introduced the D.I.E.T. to my friends. They ate it up. After using these skills for a few weeks, one friend told me her husbands asked her, “Who are you, and what have you done with my wife?”

7 Awesome ‘Exercises’ You’re Not Doing (Yet)

These exercises will help you get your marriage in shape in no time. The principles are simple, and they’re just common sense. Long-term use of these six strategies will help you get the marriage you crave.

Some strategies you can adopt over time; others you can begin using right away.

Care for you

You can do this “exercise” right away. Starting tomorrow. The main way you can take care of yourself is by spending time with God. I call it soul care.

You can’t give what you don’t have, so it’s critical to connect with God each day. Flight attendants on airplanes tell you to put your mask on first before helping someone else. The only way we can help others is taking care of ourselves. When we spend time with God, we begin to understand how He sees us and what He wants for us. It’s hard not to be a happier you.

The second component of taking care of yourself is self care**.** Make time to do something you enjoy every day, something that makes you happy. Housework doesn’t count. You might be happy the laundry is folded, but that’s not self care. Did you enjoy doing it? Do things that make you happy while you are doing them. You don’t have to take a Caribbean cruise. It can be something as simple as eating your favorite chocolate, taking a walk or reading a book.

The more you take care of yourself and connect with God, the less critical you’ll want to be. You’ll feel better and have the capacity to filter your thoughts.

2. Flex your gratitude

Here’s another exercise you can begin using now. After one Marriage D.I.E.T. session, a woman approached me. She said she never thanks her husband. It’s never occurred to her. We thank our friends, our kid, and even the checkout guy at the grocery store. But sometimes, we neglect to thank our husbands. Tell your husband how much you appreciate him by saying “thank you.” Thank him a lot. Look for things to thank him for. Even thank him for stuff he’s supposed to do like picking up his socks, lowering the toilet seat, or playing with the kids. When you say “thank you,” he feels like he’s made you happy, and he feels respected.

3. Put on a happy face

Smile. It’s amazing how we get into this pattern of life or in a rut, and we don’t smile at our husbands. When you smile, you not only feel better, but you look better, too.

If you’re not in habit of smiling at your man, practice in the mirror. If he asks why you’re smiling so much, tell him you’re starting a new habit to think about things that make you happy. And when you think about things that make you happy, you think of him and you smile.

4. Let him be your knight

Your husband wants to be your champion, your hero. He wants to take care of you. He wants to help you. So let him. Sure, you’re capable of carrying in a few bags of groceries. Ask him to help. Resist the urge to “do it yourself,” especially if it’s something he can help with. When he helps you, he feels like he’s made you happy.

5. Tell him what you want

Early in my marriage, I thought my husband should have been a mind reader. In rom-coms, the man always knows just what his woman needs. Real men don’t know what you want. Most times, they don’t have a clue. And don’t give him clues. Tell him. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, tell him what you want. When I say “It’s hot,” it sounds like a complaint. But when I say “Please turn on the air,” I’m saying what I want. Saying “I’m hungry” sounds like a complaint. Saying “I’d like to go out to dinner” expresses what I want. Get into the habit of telling him what you want instead of identifying the problem.

6. Use the rule of 5

I’m not sure who came up with this, but it’s great advice. Don’t spend more than five minutes worrying or being angry about something that’s not going to matter in five years. Simply put, don’t give him the silent treatment for three days over something that won’t matter in five. It might not matter in five minutes. This advice will change your perspective.

7. Assume the best and respond with “wow”

Normally, assuming is never a good idea. However, in a case when your husband’s actions seem unreasonable or you don’t understand, assume he’s thought the situation through, even if he did not share his thoughts with you. Give the benefit of the doubt. Instead of responding with an accusatory “why,” respond with an inquisitive “wow” followed by “tell me more.” The art is in the tone.

When we respond to our husbands with a questioning “why,” he may feel challenged and begin to defend himself. When we respond with a “wow, tell me more about that,” he’s less likely to feel threatened. “Wow, tell me more”–when said properly–gives you a minute to formulate a response without putting him on defense.

For example, once my husband told me he’d bought new tires for the car. I didn’t think we needed new tires. My first thought was, “Why?” Instead of starting my response with “why,” I took a deep breath and just said “wow” as if it was the most interesting thing I’d ever heard. Then asked him to tell me more. I didn’t agree. I didn’t disagree. “Wow” –when said properly–is a neutral response. He had a chance to help me understand his actions without feeling defensive.

Instead of trying to fix my guy, I decided to D.I.E.T. It helped me get the marriage I craved, and it can do the same for you. Do it every time. Choose God’s way. These seven exercises can help you get your marriage into great shape.

*Marriage D.I.E.T. sessions are not currently being offered.

General Christian

Evangelical

Previous Post

January 2, 2023

Open Letter to Somali Moms: Run, Run as Fast as You Can

Next Post

July 31, 2023 These 6 Mess-up Mindsets Can Wreck Your Marriage--Here's How

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Emotional Health Faith Health Marriage Motherhood Parenting Uncategorized

Select a Month September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 January 2023 June 2022 March 2022 June 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 July 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 February 2017

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz