Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

The Not So Excellent Wife

Home
Family, Parenting and Religion
How Childhood Impacts Your Marriage

How Childhood Impacts Your Marriage

Last updated on: December 20, 2019 at 12:52 pm by Sheila Qualls

How Childhood Impacts Your Marriage 2019-12-20T12:52:23-06:00 Sheila Qualls

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

What’s your problem? That was a common refrain early in my marriage.

Sometimes my husband’s reaction to something seemed way over the top. What appeared to be a minor thing evoked a response that was waaaaaay out of proportion. He’d turn a 50 cent issue into a $500 problem.

That seemed to be a pattern of communication early in our marriage. I’d get angry, withdraw and think, “Get over it” or “What’s the big deal?” or “He’s acting like such a baby.”

communication in marriage

I began to understand what his problem was (or communication in marriage) better when I learned to look back at childhood behaviors and patterns. I began to understand what drives my husband’s behavior. And mine, too.

He’s all grown up so what’s childhood got to do with now? A lot. His patterns of relating to others were established long before he met me. And mine were established long before I met him.

Our childhood behaviors and the way we related to our parents establish how we’ll relate to others.

We come into marriage with a big old sack of emotional baggage whether we want to or not.

We form patterns of behavior early in life. Our greatest sense of identity– confidence and fears–is developed in our family of origin or the family we grew up in.

Why Childhood Affects Marriage

Learning about your husband’s family life can improve your marriage. Educate yourself not only on his childhood but also on yours.

It can make a world of difference in your marriage.

If you learn your husband was often forgotten or left out as a child, that might explain why he seems possessive or “needy.” Learning he was taught to keep a stiff upper lip, never show his emotions or “big boys don’t cry” might explain why he appears to be unfeeling, prideful or overly self-reliant.

You may accuse him of being distant, emotionally detached or unapproachable.

When you begin to understand the way he was raised, you can make an effort to extend unconditional love, which may encourage him to let down his defenses.

God created us with emotional intimacy needs. He also provides ways to get them met.

Even if your family didn’t discourage you from expressing needs, you may still find it hard to admit you them. No one wants to appear needy.

Having emotional needs doesn’t make you “needy.” It makes you human.

Think about your childhood and the messages you received growing up in your family. Examine your behaviors in relation to the messages you received. You may begin to understand why you react to certain situations the way you do.

Ask your husband about the messages he received growing up in his family.

Learning to meet each other’s emotional needs is critical to a healthy marriage.

So the next time your husband seems or overreact or seems distant or detached, instead of asking, “What’s your problem?” take a minute to consider what he may be feeling or why he’s reacting that way.

He might be experiencing a need that’s been left unmet. Learning to meet that need may be a turning point in your marriage.

Need skills to build intimacy?

Get on the waitlist for my next group coaching session–Change Your Mind; Change Your Marriage.
Visit my website, like my Facebook page and join my private Facebook group.
Check out my FREE resources and download How to Be A Wife No Man Will Ever Want to Leave.
Apply for private coaching with Sheila.

Subscribe to updates from The Not So Excellent Wife here!

Also known as the Not So Excellent Wife, Sheila Qualls understands how tiring a tough marriage can be.

She went from the brink of divorce to having a thriving marriage by translating timeless truths into practical skills. She’s helped women just like you turn their men into the husbands they want.

After 33 years of marriage, she’s a coach and a speaker whose passion is to equip women to break relationship-stifling habits and do marriage God’s way. And you don’t have to be a doormat to do it.

She and her husband Kendall live in Minnesota with their five children and their Black Lab, Largo.

In addition to coaching, Sheila is a member of the MOPS Speaker Network. Her work has been featured on the MOPS Blog, The Upper Room, Grown and Flown, Scary Mommy, Beliefnet, Candidly Christian, Crosswalk.com, The Mighty and on various other sites on the Internet.

christian encouragement

Christian living

cope with disappointment

dealing with emotional pain

Holy Spirit. Marriage

hope

how childhood affects your marriage

Previous Post

April 9, 2018

The Secret to Emotional Intimacy (It May Surprise You)

Next Post

April 30, 2018 8 Ways to Be Less Selfish In Marriage

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Emotional Health Faith Health Marriage Motherhood Parenting Uncategorized

Select a Month September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 January 2023 June 2022 March 2022 June 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 July 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 February 2017

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz