Why Can’t We Be Friends?

Last updated on: August 17, 2018 at 8:00 am by Coyle Neal

Why Can’t We Be Friends? 2018-08-13T16:28:28-06:00 Coyle Neal

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Why don’t Christians think or write much about friendship? Aside from an obscure Medieval text and occasional asides in biographies and letters, there isn’t much by way of theologies of friendship out there. This lack is something that Evangelicals have set themselves to correct in the past few years. Books like The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship, Befriend: Create Belonging in an Age of Judgment, Isolation, and Fear, How Should We Develop Biblical Friendship, and Side by Side: Walking with Others in Wisdom and Love have all appeared in the past few years. The most recent addition to this stream of books is Drew Hunter’s Made for Friendship.

In Made for Friendship, Hunter argues that this much-neglected relationship is one which we ought to both think about and practice. And we need to do both of these things in ways that are meaningful and Biblical, rather than silly and shallow (as most of our relationships are in the modern world). Specifically, true friendship is “forged between two people as they journey through life with openness and trust.” (pg 80).

Working with this definition, Made for Friendship 1) makes the case that friendship is necessary; 2) explains the marks of friendship; 3) explains how to “cultivate” friendship, and 4) explores a Biblical theology of friendship.

Image: Crossway

In shaping his Biblical theology, Hunter makes the argument that salvation and the Christian life may be understood in terms of friendship. Jesus is a friend of sinners. He died to save His friends and to restore us to fellowship with God. Eternity in heaven can be understood as an eternity of friendship, with God and man living in harmony. This is not to denigrate the Kingship of Christ, it is rather to highlight His condescension in stooping to become man and bear our sin, as well as His mercy in raising us up from our rebellion to the exalted and undeserved positions He has prepared for us in glory.

Overall, this book is excellent and I happily recommend it to you.

With that said, I think there are still some issues that need to be addressed not so much with Made for Friendship as a book, but with the concept of friendship itself.

For one, why has it taken so long for Christians to get around to the serious work of writing about friendship? I suspect it is because the Bible doesn’t actually have a lot to say about the topic. Sure, there are a handful of Proverbs on the subject; David and Jonathan are described as friends; and Jesus’ relating to His disciples and His people as “friends” are all there—but each of these only briefly and never in detail. Friendship does not receive the treatment of, say, justification or election or creation or, well, any number of other topics you would find in a standard systematic theology.

Instead, the category the Bible gives us is that of “Fellowship.” This is not the same thing as friendship, and in fact specifically does not require us to be “friends.” This is one of the things which makes Christianity distinct. Within the church, individuals may “fellowship” with each other who would never outside of the Gospel have been friends at all, and who may not even be friends within the Gospel union.

Don’t get me wrong, I think Hunter’s reading of the narrative of Scripture as being about the restoration of friendship is fine, and lines up well with some of the passages of and ideas in Scripture. And yet, I think it’s also not the primary narrative we see in Scripture—it’s certainly not as dominant as that of Christians as subjects or citizens of the Kingdom, for example. For that matter, I haven’t counted specifically, but I doubt friendship is even as dominant a theme as that of Christians as farmers (or “the farmed,” depending on which way we want to run with the narrative).

I’d have to think more about this before responding in detail as to why this is. But my gut reaction is that it is because “friendship” is not just “forged between two people as they journey through life with openness and trust.” It is forged between two people who are focused on the same thing. So yes, when two Christians are friends they ought to be focused on Christ.

But friendship, like marriage, is not just an institution for Christians. It is a common grace institution that even non-believers can participate in, or that believers can (and should!) participate in with non-believers. And while the Bible does have a category for common grace institutions (again, marriage is the primary example here), it does not deal extensively with them in and of themselves. Even when these institutions do make an appearance, they are used in the service of the primary relationship set up by God through Christ. So when Paul talks about marriage in Ephesians 5, the point isn’t to explain to us what marriage is. The point is to convey a truth about the relationship between Christ and His church and guide us in applying that truth in our own lives. Anything said about marriage is very nearly (but not quite) incidental. And even if it’s not quite incidental, it is at least a secondary point.

The same is even more true of friendship. Friends are friends because they have openness and trust on their journey to be sure, but they are also journeying somewhere and being open and trustworthy about something. So it may be that we have friendships based on a love of sports. Or movies. Or political causes. Or any number of things of varying degrees of quality. The point is, friendship does not require unity based around Christ. Which I suspect is why so little time and thought has been put into it by Christians. Fortunately, Drew Hunter has written an excellent book to help correct that and guide us in thinking well about what it means to be friends.

Dr. Coyle Neal is co-host of the City of Man Podcast and an Assistant Professor of Political Science at Southwest Baptist University in Bolivar, MO, where his friends are far more patient than he has any right to expect.

Previous Post

August 14, 2018

Formulaic Fun Feels Fresh Again in "Crazy Rich Asians"

Next Post

August 21, 2018 Review of "Contours of the Kuyperian Tradition" by Craig Bartholomew

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Action AFI Top 100 Animation Best Picture Winner BFI Top 250 Biography Biopic Books Childrens Christian Classics Classics Comedy Crime Documentary Drama Editor's Choice Family Fantasy Fantasy Films Foreign Historical Historical Fiction History Horror Horror IMDB Top 250 Indie Memoir Modern Novel Musical Mystery Non-Fiction Oscars Philosophy Poetry Popular Literature Reading and Writing Reality Romance Science Fiction Science Fiction Silent Sports Thriller TV Show Uncategorized Western Westerns Young Adult

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 June 2017 January 2017 December 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

How many books are in the Bible?

Select your answer to see how you score.

27 70 66 39