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Family, Parenting and Religion
Post-Adoption Support and the Link to Failed Adoptions

Post-Adoption Support and the Link to Failed Adoptions

Last updated on: June 20, 2024 at 1:08 pm by Lois J Rodriguez

Post-Adoption Support and the Link to Failed Adoptions 2024-06-20T13:08:33-04:00 Lois J Rodriguez

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A recent group of children adopted from foster care were asked the following question: ‘What is the worst thing about being adopted [from foster care]’?

People often tell me that I’m lucky to be adopted by this family.
Adoption isn’t lucky as trauma always precedes adoption from foster care.

So many rejoice at the adoption of kiddos who have survived early childhood trauma and for whom the court has deemed it safest to be adopted into a new family. What many don’t take into account is that trauma always precedes adoption, especially in the foster care system. This means that all children who enter the foster care system have experienced trauma. Neglect, physical abuse, rape, abandonment, trafficking. There is no form of abuse that brings a child into foster care that does not leave its mark. Yet once the gavel drops and the child takes your name, in large part you are left alone to work through the hidden trauma. Post-adoption support is critical.

Why is Post-Adoption Critical?

With some exceptions, a child born to a woman will have common markers identifying them as part of a biological family. Genetic history, family health history and any concerns detected in-vitro all contribute to a full picture of how life may unfold at the bio-normative level.

For a family adopting other than by means of kinship adoption, we enter the ring blindfolded. In many cases of adoption through foster care, the home life becomes one of navigating landmines. What might be a normal moment in the day of children born to loving parents can turn on a dime for children with hidden triggers. And once triggered, how do parents understand what the trigger was, the underlying cause and where to get help in understanding this new landmine?

When we got the call that we had been selected as the family for my oldest son, the case worker voiced this concern: “Before you say yes, we are not sure if this child could develop schizophrenia.” When I inquired as to any family history or current symptoms, they pointed to a lower IQ than average for his birth parents. My reply? “If you have no medical documents to show me, then his likelihood to develop schizophrenia is up there with the odds of cancer, dementia, or depression!”

Adopted kids are a mystery to unravel. The question is not whether our child will have trauma related issues. Rather, what we should be asking is: when will those traumas will be triggered? Children from such hard places have behaviors so foreign to the average foster parent, who cannot possibly be trained for every scenario they may encounter. For this reason, post-adoption support is crucial. When my boys walked out of the courtroom with our last name, it didn’t mean that the past had been healed. Rather, it was the beginning of a new testing of the waters, to see if this forever family would ‘stick’.

The Widespread Issue of Failed Adoptions

A USA TODAY investigation in 2022 found more than 66,000 children adopted in the U.S. from 2008 to 2020 ended up in the foster care system after their adoptions failed. The investigation of all 50 US states shows an average of 12 failed adoptions each day. The study focused not only on adoptions from foster care, but kinship and private or international adoptions as well. This investigation highlights a concern about the services available to families post-adoption.

Wait. Did I read 12 adoptions fail every day? Twelve! Twelve kids every day being told that their forever family was not forever after all. Twelve children every day being sent away by those that pledged with hands-on-the-Bible that they would love and care for them.

What services might be of benefit to adoptive families?

Every foster parent is suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) stemming from the behaviors of their children. We are not talking usual tantrums and attitudes that occur during the course of development for most children. Rather, foster parents are exposed to explosive, violent and prolonged behaviors that take professional intervention to understand the root cause.

Trauma Based Relational Intervention – Every foster parent must be offered this both before and after adoption to understand the basics of what causes a child to disconnect and how to walk them back to a place of regulation and connection with adults around them.

Teacher and Academic Administration Training – All children from foster care, and many who are subsequently adopted, will find themselves in the public school system. Yet educators do not receive the training necessary to understand the children in their classrooms who enter with childhood trauma that adversely affects all areas of their ability to learn, process, and understand. Trauma Informed Care training is important, but so is a school administration dedicated to ensure that TIC practices are enforced.

Therapy, Psychological and Psychiatric Services for Children AND Parents Alike – A child’s trigger causing an escalation of behavior often becomes a trigger to the parent as they suffer from child-behavior-related PTSD. One of my children is currently deep in the throes of attachment trauma. As most lay individuals, we have no idea how to handle the varying behaviors and wide degree of anxieties. I am finally able to identify when he has been triggered, and in turn, a particular face he makes is a trigger for me. Every parent needs a professional support system for both them and their children to get immediate assistance before meltdowns turn violent.

Respite Care – Raising children from trauma backgrounds means I am continually on my guard, constantly in flight mode, never sure when the next landmine will get triggered. Just like an exhausting day of intense training at the office might send you home so tired from having to be ‘on’ all day, so it is with day after day of emotional exhaustion as we are always at the ready to come alongside our children in their difficult places. Churches and other institutions must see the crisis that foster parents face and step up to assist. Not all are called to be foster parents, but all are called to help those in need, as James 1:27 tells us. We are commanded to look after widows and orphans in their time of needs.

Post-Adoption Support Advocacy

Anthony Thornton is a youth adopted from foster care, then returned to the system after a failed adoption. He now advocates for post-adoption services. His video is less than 2 minutes, but he shares some powerful words. Check it out on USA Today here. The main takeaways from his talk:

Adoption shouldn’t be seen as a means to heal trauma.
This placeholder in the adopted child’s life, the day of adoption, doesn’t take away all of those traumas.
Adoption can be a second trauma as the child has to let [the past] all go.
An adopted child might wonder, “Do I just create a new life?”

Although well-meaning individuals might say that all it takes is love, the foster parent will emphatically state that love is the foundation, yet so much guidance is needed to build upon it. Yet so much more is needed in the form of post-adoption services in order to give every adoption the chance at success. We are being ignorant if we believe that a child’s deep-seated trauma will vanish the moment their future is secured into an adoptive family. For many, a new level of trauma is just beginning. And if a family journeys to the brink of hopelessness and does not know where to turn for support, a new level of trauma will be layered upon that child as the product of a failed adoption.

Join me over the coming weeks as we explore trauma and what services and support could look like for you, your community, and your church. Until next week, savoring mama!

Image shows photo of author in pink shirt smiling at the camera with her contact information noted on the right.

Education and Religion

About Lois J Rodriguez

As a foster parent & adoptive mom to 4 young boys, Lois went from newlywed to a family of 6 seemingly overnight. Her deep dive experience with at-risk youth and trauma parenting has been a sink or swim adventure. Parenting neurodivergent children has sent Lois on a quest to understand the critical phases of child development and the challenges for at-risk youth. Her research focuses on hemispheric brain balancing, secure attachment, oppositional defiance and neurodevelopmental disorders, early childhood development, hardwired temperaments and brain remodeling. Expanding her research to early and middle adolescent development, Lois is authoring a book on middle school parenting. Dissecting this critical area of development into easy to understand language, she aims to reorient the apprehension many families feel during this rewarding parenting season. Join the conversation at LoisJRodriguez.com. You can read more about the author here.

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