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What’s Wrong with Men?

What’s Wrong with Men?

Last updated on: March 25, 2022 at 8:29 am by Roger E. Olson

What’s Wrong with Men? 2022-03-25T08:29:01-05:00 Roger E. Olson

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Just asking this question, “What’s wrong with men?,” opens a huge can of worms. But it needs to be asked, especially in this historical “moment” of the “MeToo” movement. We cannot deny that many men who most certainly could have done otherwise have abused women and other men (and sometimes children) in shocking ways. It’s probably always been this way, but the terrible behavior is coming to light more and more.

We need unbiased social scientists to investigate the sources of male misbehavior, not just saying either “men will be men” (a version of the old “boys will be boys”) or “all men are violent.” The answers I have read and heard are not helpful. Just hating men or excusing them are not helping responses. We need to discover and address the underlying factors that feed into so much male misbehavior. I am here talking only about “in America” because this is where I live and I can’t tell whether the problem of “men” exists to the same extent or in the same way elsewhere.

Let’s be clear here, not all boys or men are guilty of bad behavior toward women or other men or children. But too many are. So many that it is undeniably a serious social problem, to say nothing of a problem in families and workplaces and schools, etc.

Let me interject here that I think the focus has been too exclusively on men’s bad behavior toward women. I don’t say “too much,” only “too exclusively.” I have seen and heard very little in the media, for example, about men’s bad behavior toward other men and toward children—including boys.

And I think too much attention is being paid to “micro-aggressions” without deep inquiry into the causes of many men’s more violent and abusive aggressions toward others. Sometimes the focus on micro-aggressions is downright silly. For example, it is now considered a micro-aggression for a man to compliment a women, in the workplace, on her appearance. It is now considered a micro-aggression to ask someone “Where are you from?” Anything that might possibly cause a woman some even very minor level of discomfort is being “discovered” and forbidden. I think this sometimes gets silly—in light of the much more egregious aggressions many men commit. Not only toward women and girls but toward weaker, more vulnerable boys and men.

Our society’s tendency is to avoid looking for the deep causes of male aggression and simply either punish men and boys or focus special education on them or both. As if these will address the deeper, underlying causes of what’s wrong with (many) men.

Now I will suggest some possible causes based on my own experiences, as a boy and man and on my own observations and research.

First, ours is an especially violence-saturated culture which I believe has very negative effects on especially males. Movies, television shows, computer and internet-based games (to which many boys and men are addicted) often portray violence as the solution to a perceived threat—not only to violence but to perceived disrespect. I believe males, for whatever reason, crave respect and, when they don’t receive it, they often turn to threatening, intimidating and even aggressive, sometimes violent, behavior. I am not calling for government censorship here; I am suggesting that capitalist producers of violent media tone it down and that we ask them to do that.

Second, and closely related to the above, testosterone CAN incline a person toward aggressive behavior. Even women given higher than normal doses of testosterone often become more aggressive. I am not advocating castration (chemical or otherwise) but a societal awareness that boys at a certain age need to be taught how to reign in their aggressive feelings and tendencies. And I think this will work better if men do it and there are far, far too few men in schools where boys are struggling with these biologically based feelings are suddenly swelling up in them.

Third, I know from experience and from reading that something called “the boy code” is a real thing. For whatever reasons, when boys enter puberty/adolescence they encounter among other boys, the same age or older, extreme shaming and even bullying if they appear vulnerable. So boys learn quickly not to show vulnerability and to act aggressive—to ward off the bullies as much as possible. And being bullied can cause a person, male or female, to build up resentment that eventually breaks out into bullying or aggressive behavior toward peers—even as the person bullied at a young age becomes older. There is a great deal of attention being paid to female bullying—in this stage of education—but very little being paid to male bullying which is taken for granted (“boys will be boys”). We need to turn more attention back toward boys. For many boys, the worst experiences they will ever encounter in life happen in the locker room at school and far too little attention is paid to that place and what happens there.

Fourth, some of the forced “sensitivity training” in workplaces is perceived by males, young and older, as anti-male. And some of it is simply silly (as I said above). Most of it is obviously created by women and they should contribute to these, of course, but so should men. Much of it is aimed at boys and men and men, often, understand things about males that women simply don’t.

Here is just one example of that. I know from much experience (personal, professional and in terms of research) that many, perhaps most, boys do things impulsively and have no cognitive awareness of why they did them. Some of those things are bad. Women (and some men) assume that if a boy does something bad, misbehaves, he had a reason for doing it. That is simply not always the case.

I remember that I was a good student throughout my school years. Rarely was I punished for anything. One day, in sixth grade, the female teacher dragged me by the arm into the hallway and loudly berated me for something without even bothering to explain what I did. I never had any idea what I did. I must have done something, but never did anyone bother to explain it. That created real resentment in me. From then on I felt disconnected from that teacher and angry toward her and the school. I didn’t act out based on that resentment and anger, but I felt and still feel it was justified. I was publicly humiliated without having any clue as to why. Again, I believe I must have done something wrong, but I may not have had any reason for doing it. (My guess is that I talked to another student when I shouldn’t have.)

What I am suggesting is that authorities need to be more realistic about boys and men—not excusing bad behavior (no more “boys will be boys” or “men will be men”) but explaining WHY it is bad behavior and meting out correction that is appropriate and proportional. And realizing that especially boys, sometimes adult man-boys, have no idea why they do something.

Fifth, far, far too many males in American society have no male models or mentors and are left to their own devices when it comes to character formation. Studies have shown that boys learn better from male teachers and female students learn better from female teachers. There are far, far too few male teachers in American schools especially in grades K-8. And far too many boys never do experience a strong, good male authority figure that they can respect and even feel some degree of affection for.

Sixth, our American system of incarceration feeds into what’s wrong with (many) men. There is far too little in it that feeds into character-reform.

Seventh, many men in American society are deeply resentful of what they perceive as their lost opportunities to contribute constructively to society. Jobs that men traditionally held and thrived in, with some degree of pride, have gone away. Most jobs that pay a living salary require higher and higher education and even native intelligence beyond what many have. Many men, especially, are simply not suited, yet, for jobs that pay a living wage or salary and they simply give up, drop out and many turn to crime. Many who don’t turn to crime stew in resentment that the only jobs available to them pay far too little to support a family. Many men, even ones who do not act out aggressively, seethe with resentment at the perceived disrespect they are being shown by American society. They simply do not buy the idea of “male privilege.” Yes, they see that many men do “enjoy” male privilege, but they know they don’t and never will. They see women getting the jobs they think they should have or, more likely, jobs that pay well when they perceive, rightly or wrongly, that well-paying jobs simply don’t exist for them.

None of the above excuses really bad behavior; what I am seeking is explanation not justification. Too many people think that seeking explanation for bad behavior means justifying it. That is simply not true. There’s a difference. But I do think we, as a society, need to become more realistic about “the male problem” among us and seek better solutions that can really reach and appeal to many boys and men—beyond just “fixing them” so that they become more like girls and women. When boys and men perceive that that is the aim, they often resist because they are proud of being male, just as girls and women are proud of being female. Males’ need for respect, not above females but just as human beings, is lacking in terms of attention by educators today.

Yes, this is an anecdote, but I don’t think it is only that. I think this boy’s experience is more common than many people would like to think. I know a boy who, in a lower grade, was forced into a class where the teacher let it be known, without apology or sanction, that she did not like boys. I observed this; I knew it to be true. If a male teacher stated that he does not like girls, he would rightly be punished for that. She was not corrected by anyone. The boy suffered through that year under a teacher who clearly did not even attempt to understand boys or help them; all her attention was aimed at the girls in the class. And, from what I observed and know from experience, this is not unique.

There is a boy crisis in American society and we need to wake up and address it positively and constructively. One way would be for school districts and teachers’ associations to actively recruit more male teachers especially in the lower grades. The media could also help by displaying (in human interest stories and entertainment) good men (like Ted Lasso) teaching boys in lower grades. There are far, far too few. That needs to become a major endeavor. It will help.

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