What Do We Owe the Dead? A Question of Ethics

Last updated on: December 24, 2018 at 9:35 am by Roger E. Olson

What Do We Owe the Dead? A Question of Ethics 2018-12-24T09:35:36-05:00 Roger E. Olson

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

A couple years ago I purchased a volume of essays and sermons by one of my favorite 19th century Christian theologians—Horace Bushnell. (I have written about him here before.) The volume is well over a century old but in good condition. One of the sermons in the book is titled “What Do We Owe the Dead?” It was preached at the dedication of a Civil War memorial and cemetery. My interest here is not to repeat or even express Bushnell’s own thoughts except to say I agree with him that the answer is “much.”

My own interest in this question arises partly from my childhood. My mother died when I was two years old and my father remarried two years later. So I was raised by a stepmother. In midlife I made a point of asking my aunts and uncles (my birth mother’s siblings) about her death, my life after her death and other related matters. My earliest memory is of the day she died, but I did not know what happened—just that people around me were distraught. I was never told she died and was not taken to her funeral. I figured it out sometime in childhood by the fact that we visited her grave and “decorated it” once annually on Memorial Day. (In the part of the U.S. where I grew up Memorial Day is dedicated to decorating the graves of relatives; it is not focused solely on military veterans as elsewhere in the U.S.) But nobody would talk to me about her. When I asked about my mother the answer was always the same, from everyone, and seemed rehearsed: “You have a new mother now.” I knew virtually nothing about my mother when I was growing up. There were no pictures of her in our home and nobody would talk about her. Later, as I said, I made a point of dragging information out of my relatives. (My father never would talk about her. My stepmother helped me with my research.)

As an adult, especially, I have always had the subjective feeling that we owe the dead remembrance—not reverence. I know there are cultures in the world that reverence the dead, especially ancestors, but I do not share that view or practice. But I have never been able to shake the inner conviction that the dead deserve to be remembered. Of course, there are exceptions, but I won’t go into that. I’m talking here about most of the dead.

But is this subjective feeling more than that? Do we have an ethical responsibility, duty, to remember the dead? I say yes, especially insofar as we want to be remembered after we die.

*Sidebar: The opinions expressed here are my own (or those of the guest writer); I do not speak for any other person, group or organization; nor do I imply that the opinions expressed here reflect those of any other person, group or organization unless I say so specifically. Before commenting read the entire post and the “Note to commenters” at its end.*

American culture has a profound aversion to death. That’s not true, of course, with regard to some television shows and movies, but it certainly is true with regard to avoiding the subject of death and seeing the dead, etc. I have taught youngish students for many years and occasionally I ask them how many funerals they’ve been to and how many times they’ve seen a dead human body (even embalmed and lying in a casket). Most of them in their 20s say “never.” And if we do see one, we see it made up to look like the person is sleeping peacefully in a bed (inside a casket). And cremation has become very popular in America. (I occasionally drive by a storefront in a strip mall with a sign over the door that says “Compassionate Cremations.” I always wonder what that means.) When people are cremated there is often no permanent, fixed memorial for them anywhere—as (usually) when they are buried in a cemetery plot. (I totally understand the questionable ethics of using up good and often fertile soil for this purpose and would prefer not to discuss that here. That’s for another blog post.)

I know a man who will not visit his parents’ graves, even on Memorial Day. When I asked him why and even suggested I go with him (because his parents are close relatives of mine) he said “What good would that do?”

That’s a very good question. But my response to him was “Don’t you want to be remembered by your children after you die? Don’t you hope they will visit your grave occasionally and keep your memory alive?” (He won’t even talk about his parents and prefers to forget them and all the dead.) He didn’t respond. At least I could tell he was thinking it over. Eventually he did go with me to visit and decorate his parents’ graves.

Jesus’s so-called “Golden Rule” was that we should do unto others even as we would want them to do to us. Does that include the dead?

But even aside from Jesus’s teaching, I would ask a non-Christian, even an atheist, whether it is consistent and ethical to forget or not honor the memories of the dead—insofar as he or she hopes to be remembered and honored after passing away (our American euphemism for death).

Of course we can’t possibly remember and honor the memories of all the dead. So I am talking here especially about the deceased who in some way sacrificed something for us—even if only by giving us life, contributing to our lives in some positive way, making a positive difference in our lives.

People used to say I was morbid because I liked to visit cemeteries—especially ones where people who sacrificed something for me (however indirectly) or who gave something into my life from which I benefited.

I’ll just give one example here. Many years ago I moved to a new city. Before I moved here I discovered that one of my father’s favorite Christian recording artists died here and is buried in a cemetery just outside the city. I remember that recording artists’ voice; several of his albums were in my parents’ collection at home and my father occasionally played one or another on our home stereo. I also heard his voice on Christian radio—even as late as the 1990s before moving here. (His “heyday” was the 1960s and he died in that decade.) So soon after moving here I drove out to that cemetery and asked to see his grave. The woman in the office showed me where it is. There was no headstone or other marker with his name on it. To make a long story short, I began a public campaign to raise money for his headstone. (Or actually in that cemetery they are not “headstones” as such but metal plaques lying flat on the ground over each grave.) Eventually people who knew him contributed enough money to the cemetery for this fund I set up with them that they could have a plaque made for him and place it over his grave. His widow (who never remarried) and son and daughter came from some distance for the dedication which was attended by relatives and friends and even one “religion reporter” who wrote a story about it in the local newspaper.

Why did I do that? Why did I go to all that trouble? I’m not asking for praise and I don’t claim to deserve any. I never did find out why the recording artist who was quite famous in the 1950s and 1960s had no grave marker. All I cared about is that now he did and that seemed to please his widow and adult children and elderly friends.

Why did I do that? Because I felt it was the right thing to do. I never met the man. But very indirectly he gave something positive into my life through my father’s love for his music. And I simply felt that this was what I would want done for me. (Although I plan to be cremated so instead of a grave marker some plaque of remembrance placed somewhere would well suffice.)

(As an aside… I “inherited” some of my parents’ record albums and before the dedication went through them and found one with the recording artist’s picture on the front with his then teenage son. I too it with me to the dedication. During the time of informal conversation before or after the formal dedication service I asked the now adult son if he owned all of his father’s record albums. He said “I don’t own any of them.” I showed him the album with his picture with his father on the cover. He began to cry and told me exactly where that picture was taken—in a park in the city where they lived and where I now live. I gave him the album and he was extremely thankful. To this day I do not know why the recording artist’s family owned none of his albums. Even his widow did not own any. There’s some deep, possibly dark secret there—I suspect—but I am not interested in it. They truly appreciated everything I did and I felt it was the right thing to do.)

I’m not telling this story to make myself seem heroic in any way. I only did what should have been done by someone else before I did it. (The recording artist’s publishing company that made his records and sold them used to have its headquarters in this city. Why did none of them provide a grave marker for him? It’s all still a mystery to me.)

What do we owe the dead? Insofar as we want to be remembered and honored by our loved ones and by people whose lives we influenced in some positive way we owe at least some of them remembrance and honor in some way—even after the funeral is over. And I believe we owe their non-cremated bodies respect. For example, dead bodies should not be shown on television without good reason. “Do unto the dead as you would have the living do unto you when you are dead” is a good principle too often neglected—especially by the visual media anxious to boost ratings by appealing to morbid curiosity.

*Note to commenters: This blog is not a discussion board; please respond with a question or comment only to me. If you do not share my evangelical Christian perspective (very broadly defined), feel free to ask a question for clarification, but know that this is not a space for debating incommensurate perspectives/worldviews. In any case, know that there is no guarantee that your question or comment will be posted by the moderator or answered by the writer. If you hope for your question or comment to appear here and be answered or responded to, make sure it is civil, respectful, and “on topic.” Do not comment if you have not read the entire post and do not misrepresent what it says. Keep any comment (including questions) to minimal length; do not post essays, sermons or testimonies here. Do not post links to internet sites here. This is a space for expressions of the blogger’s (or guest writers’) opinions and constructive dialogue among evangelical Christians (very broadly defined).

Uncategorized

Previous Post

December 20, 2018

A New Name for an Old Fallacy: "Assailment-by-Entailment"

Next Post

December 28, 2018 Did Jesus "Sort" People?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Against Liberal Theology Uncategorized

Select a Month November 2026 October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which Christian festival begins with Ash Wednesday and ends at Easter?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Pentecost Lent Advent Epiphany