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Breaking the ICE with Jokes

Breaking the ICE with Jokes

Last updated on: December 4, 2025 at 1:11 pm by James F. McGrath

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Breaking the ICE with Jokes 2025-12-04T13:11:10-05:00 James F. McGrath

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Some ICE jokes. The reason that I’m sharing them is at the end of the post.

Why do the ICE thugs always walk around in threes?

One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

A frightened man came to ICE. “My talking parrot has disappeared.”

“That’s not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police.”

“Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot.”

The ICE, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching illegals.

The Director of Homeland Security decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The CIA goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

ICE goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

An ICE agent meets a friend

“How are you doing?” the ICE agent asks

“I’m fine, I’m working as a teacher. How about you?”

“I’m an ICE agent”

“Oh, what is it that you do?”

“I arrest those who are dissatisfied with the current regime”

“There are those that are satisfied with the current regime?” the friend asks in shock

“Yeah, but they are the responsibility of the anti-corruption department.”

An ICE agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew,” replies the old Jew.

The ICE agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man.

“How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the ICE agent.

“I already speak English.”

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Italian have all been captured by ICE

ICE grab the Frenchman and take him away to be tortured. He holds out for a few hours, but eventually he cracks and tells them everything.

Next they grab the Englishman. He too manages to hold out for a few hours, but then he can’t take the pain any more and tells them what they want to know.

ICE finally comes for the Italian. The Englishman and the Frenchman wait for hours, wondering what has become of their friend. Finally, 12 hours later, ICE dumps a badly beaten Italian back in the cell. The Frenchman and Englishman both help him up, and ask him, “Why didn’t you tell them, how did you hold out so long?”

The Italian replies, “I tried to tell them, I really did, but they wouldn’t untie my hands!”

ICE held test of many officer after numerous complaint of incompetence.

Test was simple. Officer must match block with corresponding hole.

Triangle block will only fit in triangle hole, square block in square hole, etcetera.

Completion and scoring of test revealed two distinct type of ICE officer:

Type 1- Very stupid

Type 2 – Very strong

2020s USA. The peak of ICE paranoia.

Neighbors are ratting out neighbors. Employees report their coworkers to ICE for looking foreign. Nighttime knocks on the door are commonplace. Regular citizens are labeled enemies of the people and taken away.

A group of university students are on a trip to a conference, 6 of them sharing a hotel room. None of them know each other.

At night, they talk merrily amongst themselves, laughing and enjoying themselves until one of them starts sharing political jokes. They share a nervous look, but one of them confidently says, “Come on, we are obscure students attending a random science conference in a far flung region. How can ICE possibly care about us? Let’s carry on!”

At that point, another one of them hatches a brilliant scheme. Under the pretext of using the bathroom, he saunters down to reception and requests that at precisely 9 PM, they be brought six cups of tea. He goes back up. He sits pensively for 10 minutes, and at 8:59 he says:
“Hey, guys, I wouldn’t be so sure we aren’t being listened to. Here, I’ll prove to you that we’re being overheard.” Looking up at the sky, he says: “Mr. ICE Sergeant, would you bring us six cups of tea, please?”

At that point the door opens and six cups of tea are brought in. Everyone stares in shock and horror, staying quiet for a few minutes.

At that point, the jokester sneaks out and walks down to Reception. “Thank you so much for bringing the tea at 9,” he says, “you helped me pull the funniest prank on my fellow students.”

“You are very welcome,” responds the woman at reception. “And yes, it was indeed a funny prank. The ICE sergeant also liked it!”

Santa Claus gets captured and interrogated by ICE

“You are a very suspicious man. Who did you say you are?”

“I’m Father Christmas.”

“Then who is this Santa?”

“Oh that’s also me, I have many names, ho ho ho!”

“So you are a spy then? And what kind of jet is that? It is not detectable by our radars.”

“You mean the sleigh? It is actually quite magical you see…”

“Enough of this nonsense!”

“Oh my, what’s with that language? It sets a bad example to little Johnny and Sally.”

“How do you know the names of my children? What are you even doing here?”

“Well, I give presents to all the children of the world!”

“What do you want in return?”

“Nothing.”

The ICE agents pause for a second.

“So you’re a communist?”

“Da, comrade.”

“Fred, never mind his not having a visa. Lock up this commie!”

Trump is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.

Trump looks up from his notes and says, “Who sneezed?” No-one says anything.

Trump has the first row taken away by ICE to be incarcerated. “Who sneezed?” he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by ICE to be incarcerated.

“Mr. President, I sneezed!” Says a man in the third row.

Trump looks at the man and says, “Bless you.”

My reason for sharing these ICE jokes is that these are all in fact KGB jokes from the Soviet Union. I made some minor adjustments other than substituting ICE in place of the KGB, and of course then putting them into an American context, but nothing else major.

Some of them don’t quite work perfectly as ICE jokes, but authoritarian terrorizing of the population doesn’t take exactly the same form in different contexts, so that is to be expected. The point is that some work just fine, and so many work at least well enough that it will hopefully lead some who support what is being done by the current regime in the United States, to ask why they objected to the same types of things being done by other regimes.

One possible answer is to say that anything done by an opposing team or country is wrong, and anything that we do is okay.

The problem with that is that most patriots in the United States want to claim that we are not just us, we are better than others, that this is a battle of good vs. evil.

And there’s the heart of the matter. The current administration is clearly doing evil. If you objected when “godless communists” did such things, then you should object all the more when godless Americans do so, and sully the name of Jesus by claiming that they stand on the side of God and of Christianity.

Let me also add this as relevant to the bigotry towards others that is at the heart of Christians supporting the Trump administration’s policies towards others who look like their heritage is from somewhere other than Europe. I shared it on social media and the number of people who are reacting negatively to it on Threads leaves me quite astonished, or perhaps not so much astonished as disappointed.

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