The Gift of Regret: Experiencing Life-Transforming Grace

Last updated on: September 11, 2024 at 7:34 am by Tricia Gates Brown

0 Comments

The Gift of Regret: Experiencing Life-Transforming Grace 2024-09-11T07:34:42-07:00 Tricia Gates Brown

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

gift of regret

{Photo by Xavier Minguella Minguella for Scopio; gift of regret}

I recently heard a Vox podcast about regret. The interviewee, Daniel Pink, wrote a book on the subject, reflecting on regret’s transformative power. Regret is an emotion that—if we face it honestly—has the potency to turn us around, to make us go another way. We’ve all been there. When I look back to times I’ve done wrong, it isn’t the stereotypical slip-ups that stand out to me—the sex, lies, or other excesses held up as “the bad sins” in our society. What hurts to this day, so much that I will never forget them, are times I betrayed a friend. I deeply regret these experiences—times I put my needs or wants above the well-being of someone I loved, hurting them and our relationship irreparably. If we’re honest, we all remember doing this at least once. I carry with me the regret of those betrayals. It actually energizes my desire to do better, to treat the people I love with greater care and intentionality. Have you hurt a loved one, then wanted intensely to make it up to them? That’s what I’m talking about. Sometimes we’re given a second chance, but often we are not. That loss of a second chance, the regret, can be excruciating—a life-long pain. And it can also be animating.

In John 21:1-19 the author has Jesus ask Peter three times, “Do you love me?” At the time of Jesus’ crucifixion, Peter had famously denied Jesus three times. By the time of John’s gospel, likely finalized at the end of the first century, everyone in the Christian world knew the story of Peter’s denial. It was famous. Peter was famous—considered the cornerstone and primary leader of the church (eventually deemed the first ‘primate,’ or pope). So no one would miss the parallel between the well-known story of Peter three times denying Jesus, and in this story, Peter’s opportunity to three times make it up to him, to reaffirm his love for Jesus again and again and again. Honestly, we can relate to Peter all too well. As he sat at a firepit outside the house of authorities questioning Jesus before his crucifixion, someone asked Peter if he knew Jesus. Peter—in fear for his life, a fear we can all relate to if we tell ourselves the truth—refused to acknowledge his close friend. In response to the question, Peter said: I have no idea who you’re talking about. He repeated this denial three times—as Jesus had predicted he would.

the gift of regret

{Photo by Nelson Martinez for Scopio; the gift of regret}

Sacred Stories of Second Chances

When we have betrayed or wronged a close loved one, we are sometimes denied a second chance. But in this telling of Jesus’ appearance to the disciples after his crucifixion, Peter is restored to a kind of wholeness. Peter, likely crippled with regret from Jesus’ last days, recognizes his friend on the shore. He dives into the water and swims to him. Such elation and relief!

The beauty of sacred stories—whatever our tradition—stories we read over and over, is how we’re invited to enter into them. We get to imagine ourselves in the scenes and characters portrayed. Part of what this story is saying then, is that we are all Peter. Every one of us will fail. And every one of us can be restored. The image Jesus shows us of God, especially in stories or parables he tells, paints God as a force of love, a caregiver. Parables like the story of the prodigal son, where the father goes to great lengths to receive his son who has wronged him and to give him another chance; or as in the parable of the shepherd who tenaciously looks for the one lost sheep, seemingly unconcerned with why the sheep wandered off, and given to returning the sheep to safety.

In our passage in John, the disciples are at work on the shore when Jesus shows up. Four “post-resurrection” appearances actually occur in John, and this one is the fourth. The first is to Mary Magdalene at the tomb, where she’s sent by Jesus to inform the others, thus becoming to first apostle (meaning “sent one”). Jesus then appears to the disciples as they hive away in fear. A week later, he returns (the third appearance)—the lot of them still seemingly afraid. These appearance narratives are examples of the second, third, fourth… chances given by Jesus to his closest associates who have, really, failed him. Despite the fact that Jesus’ friends/followers have locked themselves away, he continues to reach out to them with so much understanding, gentleness, and love. I am sure his friends felt regret. But perhaps that regret motivated them to go and do remarkable things. May we experience such life-transforming grace.

Wren, winner of a 2022 Independent Publishers Award Bronze Medal

Winner of the 2022 Independent Publisher Awards Bronze Medal for Regional Fiction; Finalist for the 2022 National Indie Excellence Awards. (2021) Paperback publication of Wren , a novel. “Insightful novel tackles questions of parenthood, marriage, and friendship with finesse and empathy … with striking descriptions of Oregon topography.” —Kirkus Reviews (2018) Audiobook publication of Wren.

Progressive Christian

Relationships and Religion

Family, Parenting and Religion

About Tricia Gates Brown

Tricia Gates Brown is an everyday theologian working as a writer/editor in Oregon's Willamette Valley, mainly editing and co-writing books for the National Parks Service and Native tribes. After completing an MA in theology then a PhD from the University of St. Andrews in 2000, she continued to pursue her studies—energetically self-educating in theology, spirituality, and the emotional life. She is also an Ordained Deacon in the Episcopal Diocese of Oregon. Tricia is also an art quilter, ceramicist, and poet. You can read more about the author here.

Previous Post

September 5, 2024

What Do Spiritual Communities Provide Kids?