When Submission in Marriage Gets Twisted & Misused

Last updated on: January 23, 2026 at 2:06 pm by Kurt W. Bubna

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When Submission in Marriage Gets Twisted & Misused 2026-01-23T14:06:29-08:00 Kurt W. Bubna

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Some teachings in the church have caused more subtle damage than anyone wants to admit. I’ve sat in rooms where a pastor read “Wives, submit to your husbands” and moved on as if every man hearing it was healthy, humble, and safe. That silence has cost women far more than some behind the pulpit realize. Scripture can build a home or break a spirit, depending on the hands that wield it.

When Submission Turns into Control

Submission in the hands of a good man creates a partnership. Submission in the hands of a narcissist becomes pressure to comply, to stay quiet, to doubt your own mind. He treats the verse like permission to control your choices and reshape your world until his voice is the only one that matters. You don’t have to raise your voice or your hand to dominate someone. Some men use tone, theology, selective kindness, and spiritual language as tools for control.

The heartbreaking part is how early that damage begins. It starts with subtle comments disguised as concern. A twisting of events until she doubts her own memory. A calm performance in public that makes her appear unstable. By the time she speaks up, the people she trusted have already been coached to question her. When she finally tells the truth, it feels like talking to a wall he spent years building around her.

The Quiet Version of Unhealthy Submission

The louder stories get attention. But some of the most damaging stories are quiet.

Years ago, I watched a woman apologize to her husband every time she had a different opinion. Not because she was wrong, but because she believed “submission” meant surrendering her voice. He never yelled. Never threatened. He didn’t have to. She had learned to live small so he could feel large. She had confused disappearing with being a godly wife.

That isn’t holiness. That is the slow erasing of the person God created her to be.

The Verse We Skip

The church often tends not to emphasize the rest of the passage as much. “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church.” Christ didn’t belittle or silence. He lifted. He protected. He sacrificed. He moved toward the hurting. He held space for the confused. When love turns into dominance instead of service, something has gone terribly wrong. And when a woman is told to endure emotional or spiritual harm in the name of holiness, something sacred has been twisted out of shape.

Submission itself isn’t the danger. Submitting to a man who refuses to love like Christ is. If pastors don’t say that out loud, women will keep walking back into homes where the word “submit” has been turned into a leash.

When You Feel Yourself Shrinking

If you are in that place now, hear me. You are not called to shrink. You are not called to disappear. You are not called to endure cruelty wrapped in Christian language. Setting boundaries or stepping away from someone who misuses God’s word is not rebellion. Sometimes it is the first breath of freedom you have taken in a long time.

God does not ask you to sacrifice your sanity or your safety to protect someone else’s ego.

The Foundation Most Churches Ignore

Before Paul speaks to wives or husbands in Ephesians 5, he begins with a line that matters most: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” That is the starting point. Mutual submission. Shared humility. Honor flowing both ways.

Paul’s vision for marriage was not built on hierarchy. It was built on Christ-shaped care and selfless love.

So yes, a wife can trust her husband’s leadership, but only as he follows Christ and lives shaped by love, not control. And a husband submits to his wife, too. Not by becoming passive, but by laying down any sense of entitlement, listening to her, caring for her, and protecting her heart, just as Christ did for the church.

The Heart of Christ

Jesus did not bark orders. He did not demand silence. He lifted the broken. He did not make the church small. He made her whole. He bled for us. I love this statement by Scot McKnight: “Biblical submission always pulls us toward the cross.” Any teaching that encourages a woman to disappear is out of alignment with the heart of Jesus. Any system that gives a man unchecked power is a distortion of God’s intention. And any church that stays quiet when Scripture is misused has forgotten that truth is part of love.

A Better Vision of Submission

Healthy submission looks like two people honoring each other with humility and strength. It looks like sacrifice offered freely, not demanded. It looks like disagreements handled with kindness, not fear. It looks like both people carrying the weight of the relationship.

A narcissist wants a servant. A godly man wants a partner. And God never wrote Scripture to trap women in fear. He wrote it to reveal how love works when both hearts are turned toward Christ and toward each other.