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“I’m not Getting What I Need from You…”

“I’m not Getting What I Need from You…”

Last updated on: July 26, 2024 at 10:43 am by Ben Bongers KM

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“I’m not Getting What I Need from You…” 2024-07-26T10:43:46-05:00 Ben Bongers KM

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“I’m not Getting What I Need from You…”

Have you ever heard, “I’m sorry, but I’m not getting what I need from you.” Being in a church relationship is kind of like a dating relationship. Eventually, you will hear it from someone leaving your church. But the question is, did they ever tell anyone what their expectations of the relationship were?

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Dating can be tricky. But just like in a dating situation, you have to define why you are going out with the person across the table from you. Is it to get something out of it or possibly be a part of something greater?

Question One – “Are You the One I’m Looking For?”

What style of worship suits me?

Are you dating for mating, or just out for being entertained? It’s a hard question and a hard hurdle for some. Many who have been going to church since they were young only know one style of worship. They never explore and find what style fits their soul. Or, they are possibly told, “Hey! Don’t pray, or worship, or look like those people! They’re just weird!” Honestly, God doesn’t see the “weird” in worship. He only sees that you are trying to get closer to Him. There are progressive churches, ultra-conservative churches, and every kind of church in between. The one caution is that no church is “better” than the other. No form of worship is “more holy” than the other as long as they are truly worshiping. It only has to do with what brings you closer to God.

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When a young man walks up to the door and faces his dates father, there is the inevitable question… “What are your intentions with my daughter?” Have you thought about your real answer to this question?

Question Two – “What Are Your Intentions with My Daughter?”

What do you expect from your church family?

Just like dating, you have certain hopes and desires from the relationship. No matter your age, race, or sex, you have a certain expectation of what a church family will give you. For some, this question’s already been decided because you were born into a certain church. Your family has roots there and you may have even been baptized there, so you never ask the question. But eventually, you will grow up and grow out. You’ll go to college in a different state or possibly join the military and move on, at least for a time. So, ask the question, what do you need from your church? Do you expect to have people your own age to associate with and maybe find people to create relationships with? Are you looking for elders to replace your own missing family members? Are you needing or being called to be of service to a particular kind of community? There is no end to the questions you could and should be asking yourself.

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Why do we go to church? Is it to be entertained? To socialize? To actually say “Thank you” to God?

Question Three – “I’m Sorry, But I Need More from You.”

What do I want out of the service?

In any couple, it’s not 50/50 but 100/100 that makes a relationship work. Let me be frank: we should not be going to church on Sunday primarily to get something. If this is why you’re going, you have it backward. You go to church on Sunday to give something, namely worship to God. You’re going to give Him thanks for all He’s given you and to be with others to show how much you care for in all together. That being said, all who go do get things as well. You get time with your community. You get the actual Jesus. You get time in front of God. In the world today, peace and quiet and to be in front of God for even a few minutes to regroup, reflect, maybe pray… is worth a lot.

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“I don’t have time for this…” Is that really what you want to tell God when you spend one hour a week with him?

Question Four – “Can We Keep it Loose? I just don’t Have Time for All This.”

I’m so busy! Am I going to be asked to do more than go once a week?

I hope so! Think about it. If you go to church for one hour a week, that is only ½ of 1% of your entire week, month, and year—that’s if you go every week! You’re giving God as much time as your favorite soap opera and only 1/3 the time as your favorite sport on TV. Instead, think of a church as a small town, and your job is to be a good citizen of that town. Everyone in a small town has multiple jobs to keep the town running. The bank president may also be the mayor, the police chief, the butcher, and the grocer, the chief of the volunteer fire department. Everyone has more than one responsibility. To be a part—a real part—of a community means you wear more than one hat to get a halo. Are you a teacher? Why not help teach the children or teach a Bible Study? Are you an accountant? Why not help on the finance committee? You’re retired and have some time? Ask if anyone needs a lift to the doctor or help to buy groceries. The point is there is always something extra to do in a small community, and as a member of that community, it’s up to you to assist.

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What causes boredom in any relationship and who’s fault is it? Remember, it takes at least two to have any relationship. Is some of the problem you and the way you are approaching the relationship?

Question Five – “I’m Bored. We Never Go Out Anymore.”

Why am I so bored here?

Remember the adage, “You only get out of something what you put in?” If you’re only going on Sunday, expecting to be entertained, and walking out grumbling about what you didn’t get out of it, the issue is with you and your expectations. A little statistic came up the other day that’s very sad. Out of all the churches in America, only 8.5% of the people going can be considered somewhat active in that church’s life. That means 91.5% of the people attending are barely making an appearance. The 91.5% may say, “Oh, but I give money to the church every time they ask…” Well, that’s nice, but a church community runs on more than money. Think of a church as a refueling station. Your job is to come back every Sunday, worship your maker, and be a part of that community. Why? So, you can go out and show the world the way back to God. God is not an isolationist! He’s all about community. The most vibrant, alive, active churches have programs every night of the week. They have movie nights, Bible study, men’s and women’s groups, young marrieds, young adults, cooking classes, prayer groups, grief support, engagement, and marriage classes, religious instruction for adults and children… the list goes on. If there are people interested in a subject, there is a place for it in your church!

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The bottom line is, if you want a relationship–any relationship–to work, you need to put energy and time into it.

Answers – “I Want Us to Work. What Do We Do?”

The bottom line is this: if you answer all the questions above honestly and openly, you’ll see where you fit in. If you’re in a church now that either doesn’t have these things or you haven’t spent the time considering programming, maybe it’s time to think about getting active. I haven’t met a pastor yet who’s said, “Oh no, we don’t want more participation in our church. We’ve got enough going on.” It’s your community, it’s your church, it’s your place of worship. Now it’s your turn. What are you looking for? What are “your intentions?” Do you want a passive relationship or something deeper and hopefully long-lasting? And if you’re bored, what are you going to do to spice up your church life a bit?

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About Ben Bongers KM

Ben Bongers was an international operatic tenor and practicing sommelier for 30 years based in San Francisco, CA, and Europe. He has written monthly articles for trade magazines in wine and singing over a long and lustrous career. After becoming a semi-full-time caretaker for his parents, he earned an MA in Gerontology (the study of aging and care) and was asked to publish in an eldercare textbook in 2020. He has written several books, all published by EnRoute Books and Media. His first novel, THE SAINT NICHOLAS SOCIETY, has won many awards, and his other two, TRUE LOVE—12 Christmas Stories My True Love Gave to Me, and THE FARMER, THE MINER, THE ARTISAN (a children’s book) are both up for writing awards. Ben is a Knight in the Order of Malta and helped start an overnight homeless shelter at his San Francisco, CA parish. Today, he is a Permanent Diaconate Candidate in Kansas City, MO. You can read more about the author here.

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