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Wrestling With G-d

Wrestling With G-d

Last updated on: June 14, 2026 at 11:13 pm by Rebecca Wallace Keene

Wrestling With G-d 2026-06-14T23:13:22-04:00 Rebecca Wallace Keene

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Wrestling With G-d Created with ChatGPT by Rebecca Keene

Wrestling With G-d

Jacob wrestled with G-d all night, refusing to let go. He didn’t come to blessing through a sermon, judgement, a list of commandments, or threats of hell. Blessing only found Jacob through wrestling with G-d for an entire night and refusing to let go without a blessing. He left that struggle injured but blessed. Jacob became Israel, he who wrestles with G-d. As I reflect on my past and conversion, I believe that wrestling is what Christianity never allowed from me. Christianity forced me into a state of rebellion against G-d. Judaism taught me to wrestle, and that is where I found obedience.

Rebellion Against G-d

Christianity said a woman should not speak in church or ask questions. So, I asked all the questions and screamed the answers. Christianity said to dress modestly, because you could cause your brother to lust. So, I showed my skin. Christianity said you will burn for being a homosexual. So, I defended my behavior. That quickly became my state of existence. Defense. I was so busy defending myself against threats of hell and accusations of sin that I did not have time to examine what was happening with me and my relationship to G-d.

As if that were not bad enough, Christianity told me that changing the rebellious behavior would not free me of the punishment. Christianity said if I lust, I had already committed adultery. If I hated, I had already committed murder. If someone hurt me, I was to forgive them and turn the other cheek for them to do it again, and if I couldn’t do that it was a sin. Those are standards that I could not meet and which I doubt most people can meet. The only salvation was forgiveness through the blood, which didn’t depend upon my behavior. Therefore, resisting the rebellion felt futile.

Wrestling with G-d

Then one day on Yom Kippur G-d found me in a Christian church and promised me a changed life. At that moment when the shofar was blown, I had no way of knowing that the changed life he was promising was Judaism, but soon after I was in conversion classes. I converted to Reform Judaism, and it gave me a safe space to rest. There, I was taught my behavior mattered. I could control if I was in sin or not, because being out of order was based on behavior, not thoughts. Lust is not adultery. Hate is not murder. If someone hurts me, an eye for an eye, or simply writing them off is acceptable.

More importantly, Judaism didn’t tell me to be silent. It asked me to wrestle with the text and G-d. It demanded that I read the book, ask the questions, and argue about the answers. That felt much truer to who I was, and it allowed me to begin my own night of wrestling with G-d. Like Jacob, I clung to G-d and refused to let go. Five years of no one threatening me with hell gave me the time and space to do private self-examination and spend private time with G-d.

Israel, Wrestling With G-d

That space, self-examination, and time with my creator allowed me to learn what I could have never learned or accepted in Christianity. I learned covering my body was because it’s precious and not every man deserves access to it, not because I might become responsible for another person’s sin. I learned that sometimes you should speak and sometimes you should choose kindness instead. Maybe bigger than all of those, I learned that my sexuality was heavily influenced by childhood trauma. That is a realization I could never have come to while being forced to defend that sexuality daily.

Finally, like Jacob, I emerged with a limp and a blessing. Rebellion doesn’t look appealing any longer. Obedience to G-d and his law has become my choice, joy, and blessing. I want to cover up. Controlling my tongue in a way that brings people to him instead of pushing them away has become my desire. I want to examine my sexuality in the terms of what G-d feels about it. No one made me come to those conclusions. They came naturally once the judgement of Christianity was silenced long enough for me to hear the voice of the creator.

Judgement, threats, and doctrines do not produce obedience. They produce fear and rebellion. Wrestling with G-d produces blessing. Christianity taught me to rebel. Judaism taught me to wrestle. Wrestling gave me blessing and obedience.

General Christian

Women in Religion

About Rebecca Keene

The author, Rebecca Keene, has a Bachelor of Science in Psychology and Religion. She graduated from the University of Pikeville as Religion Honor Student in 2014. Currently, she is studying for a MA in Women, Gender, Spirituality, and Social Justice at the California Institute of Integral Studies. Also, Rebecca is the author of FAITH UNDER THE RAINBOW: RECLAIMING THE TRUTH ABOUT HOMOSEXUALITY AND THE BIBLE. In addition, she founded and independently runs the social media community, Reclaiming the Truth. Therefore, you should visit Rebecca's author page and purchase her books at: Amazon Author Page or: Publication Page Rebecca is currently in her 3rd year of Kabbalah study. She is ordained to perform LGBT weddings and is certified in Hypnotherapy. Rebecca lives in Kentucky with her two adult children. She practices Non-Denominational Judaism. She is passionate about social justice and fiercely advocates for the marginalized in society and religion. When not with her children or writing, Rebecca enjoys spending time in nature, with G-d, or in a good book. She also enjoys making and selling art which you can find at Art by Rebecca. Rebecca will try to answer all correspondence, but please be patient, as life is busy for us all. You can read more about the author here.

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