Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Shoved to Them

Home
Catholic
Finally Tackling Tom Brady’s Balls

Finally Tackling Tom Brady’s Balls

Last updated on: January 26, 2015 at 11:07 pm by Rebecca Frech

Finally Tackling Tom Brady’s Balls 2015-01-26T23:07:35-05:00 Rebecca Frech

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

**This post was approved by my 15 year old son. You’ve been warned**

Like all well brought up Texas girls, my love of football is second only to my love of God. Now I will freely admit that I had my panties in a twist after America’s Team, the Dallas Cowboys, were robbed of victory by a bad call. Anyone with eyes could plainly see that he had caught that ball, but I supposed eye-sight isn’t required to be a referee for the National Football League. I decided then and there that I was done with the NFL, and it would be college football from here on out.

I stuck to my guns all through the play-off games. My mama cried when I told her I’d given up the game. I assured her that I was still the girl she’d raised, but she didn’t see how she could show her face in public again now that I’d sworn off the game.

Well Mama has nothing to worry about, because this morning I caught a whiff of Tom Brady’s balls…the scandal that is…

At first I thought that the Indianapolis Colts were just being whiny babies when they started complaining about the irregularity of the Patriots’ balls. After all, these men are professionals. They have balls in their hands all the time. Sure, they can get lumpy and a little out of shape, but then you just have to change your grip. That’s the way the game is played.

But then I read this from Colts Quarterback Andrew Luck, and I thought that this might be something juicy after all. He said, “You know that moment when you’re deep in the pocket with a ball in your hand? You know how that bad boy is supposed to feel. The Patriots’ balls just didn’t have that firmness that I’m used to. Now it was a cold day and you have to expect a little shrinkage, the cold does that to anyone’s balls, but this was more than the usual response to frigid weather. I hate to say it, but Tom Brady’s balls are just saggy.”

By Jeffrey Beall (Own work) [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

It seems that Mr Luck wasn’t the only Colt who didn’t like the feel of Mr Brady’s balls. They did a thorough self-examination, and then did the sensible thing and sought out a second opinion.

While the NFL refs might have been blind when my Cowboys were involved, it turns out that no one knows more about how a ball should feel than then men in black and white! They grabbed hold of New England’s ball sack and gave those balls a good squeeze. Turns out that the Colts were onto something. Eleven out of twelve of them were sadly lacking.

At this point, I had to take this whole thing into my own hands. I had to get the down-low from Mr Brady myself. I’m not at all surprised that he denies knowing that his balls were saggy and undersized. He continues to insist that there was nothing wrong with his equipment. “I’ve been under a lot of centers,” he said, “and I’ve had my hands on a lot of balls. After a while, you get a feel for them. You can’t just play with balls and not give them a good squeeze from time to time, you know? They felt pretty firm to me. I don’t care what Luck says. I’m telling you that hundreds of people handle my balls every year, and some of those guys like to play pretty rough. It doesn’t matter how hard they’re handled. My balls can take a licking!”

By Jeffrey Beall (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

It was at this point that Mrs Tom Brady, Gisele Bundchen, snorted and rolled her eyes. She declined to comment though, saying only “I have nothing to say about husband’s balls. I’ve learned my lesson, and I’m never going there ever again.”

I’m not sure what to make of that, but it seems that the Seahawks might have an idea about what’s been going down. They released a statement today saying “We don’t want anything to do with Tom Brady’s balls. We’ll see him and his boys at the Super Bowl, and we’ll give it to ’em good, but the only balls we play with are our own!”

“Seahawks players 2014 preseason” by Mike Morris – Flickr. Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons – http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Seahawks_players_2014_preseason.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Seahawks_players_2014_preseason.jpg

Suddenly I can’t wait for the Super Bowl!

Previous Post

January 25, 2015

We don't have the right to force someone to stay pregnant

Next Post

January 28, 2015 In Idleness There Is No Peace

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What does "Shema," the central Jewish prayer, mean?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Light Peace Hear Pray