The Thing I Can’t Say Out Loud

Last updated on: August 22, 2014 at 3:49 pm by Rebecca Frech

The Thing I Can’t Say Out Loud 2014-08-22T15:49:07-05:00 Rebecca Frech

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I will not say bad words.

I gave them up for Lent, so I will not say the words I so badly want to say. I’m trying to not even think them.

When #4 was at Children’s Hospital, I learned that the big fear was that all this swelling would act as fertilizer to the bones around it. Those bones would grow at unpredictable rates and cause deformities in her little body. I asked about it and was told that this is a very rare occurrence so I shouldn’t worry. Kids’ bones either grow weirdly when there’s long term swelling or they don’t.

Then we saw the orthopedist today.

Sh….dang it.

The x-ray of her foot shows that the bone in her swollen toe, swollen for almost 9 weeks now for those keeping track, has increased in width by approximately 50%. She’s one of those kids.

F…..darn it.

Her knee has been swollen now for almost 4 weeks. How long before it, too, starts to grow? I don’t know what the cut off is, but I know there’s nothing being done to actively stop it. While the doctors search for answers and the rheumatology appointment looms still 2 weeks in the future, her body is rebelling against her NOW.

She’s losing range of motion because of this wait. There are new problems being directly caused because of the waiting which will necessitate physical therapy at the very least.

SHE’S 7 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She’s my baby. 9 weeks ago her body was normal. 5 weeks ago she was running and playing. Today I had to carry her upstairs because her leg hurts so much. Today she asked me if it would be hard to get a wheelchair because she’d really like one. It would be easier for her. She’s 7 and asking for a wheelchair.

D…………hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I put on my poker face so that she doesn’t see my worry. I have to protect my children from seeing the fullness of my fear. I will not say those words, but I can’t stop feeling them.

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