Seven Better Things to do than Read the News

Last updated on: November 18, 2016 at 9:32 am by Anne Kennedy

Seven Better Things to do than Read the News 2016-11-18T09:32:01-04:00 Anne Kennedy

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A lifetime ago I enumerated a twenty better things to do than vote. Today, because it’s Friday, I have seven better things to do than read the news.

One
Eating is better than reading the news. I was going to say that exercising is better than reading the news but I haven’t been able to do that since our new Overlord was elected. I was going to get up that Wednesday and plank or something but instead I ate some bacon, and then I ate some #safebread (what I’m going to be calling Einkorn from now on), and then I made French Onion Soup, you know, with cheese on the bread and everything, and then I might have helped myself to some chocolates that I found shoved at the bottom of my church bag. Why read the news when you can eat? But don’t get suckered into reading the news And eating, because that would be dysfunctional.
Two
Cleaning is better than reading the news. This might not seem obvious at first, because cleaning means getting out of your chair and moving around. But I’ve been apocalyptically cleaning all week and it’s been sort of soothing. Every time I sit down I think, “oh no! The apocalypse” and then I get up and do a bunch of laundry and I sort of enter this dream state where I don’t remember the apocalypse or anything. The best part about this is that all my laundry is caught up.
Three
Planting Bulbs is better than reading the news. This should be obvious. Going outside is a sensible and mentally healthy thing to do. And angrily shoving bulbs into the ground with muttered threats against the ground if they don’t come up in the spring is sort of akin to praying, if opposite things can be said to be the same thing.
Four
Doing Math is better than reading the news. If your finger is hovering over Facebook, you can just do some math with your younger children and that will help put the whole of the cosmos into its proper place. Nothing, I mean, Almost Nothing is as bad as doing math with a six year old who would rather paint her fingernails than do math.
Five
Painting your own nails is better than reading the news. I would say this is probably true even if you’re a man. Just paint them brown or some other color and then say you’re going hunting. Then, when your finger is hovering over Facebook you can be distracted by the sheen of your nails.
Six
Complaining about Facebook is better than reading the news. I need to just straighten something out for myself. I couldn’t put my carefully polished finger on it, but I think in the midst of nightmare interrupted sleep I discovered what it is. I LOVE ALL MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS. Love them. All of Them. Even the ones who occasionally drive me crazy. Even the ones I politically disagree with. I haven’t Unfriended anyone this election season and don’t know if anyone has Unfriended or blocked me. I like knowing what people think and feel even if it’s diametrically opposed to my own thoughts and feelings. What I Don’t Love is Facebook Himself. (I don’t want to sully female pronouns by using them for something like Facebook.) Facebook has become like a nagging, whining, pajama boy. He’s sitting there next to you while you try to get on with life, chatting with your friends and arguing with them. There he sits, holding his wretched cup of organic free range cocoa. Whenever you glance over at him he blinks and says, “I care about your memories.” And, “You’re important to me. Here are a bunch of ads that I know you will love.” But then you don’t love any of them. In fact none of them are remotely applicable to your actually interests. Sometimes when you look at him he reminds you of important cultural events and dates that either make you feel guilty or, worse, you think are stupid. Like today, today he reminded me that this is the anniversary of the creation of time zones. Then he spends all day reminding you that you haven’t called or texted people on their birthdays, or sent them a present, or a card, Or Anything, not even good thoughts. So then you shout at him, “WHO EVEN SENDS GOOD THOUGHTS ON A BIRTHDAY! Nobody even does that! People say HAPPY BIRTHDAY on birthdays. Leave me alone you creep.” That’s what you shout. Facebook, in other words, inserts his sniveling self into the middle of conversations instead of sitting there silently like everyone hoped he would.
Seven
Feeling Guilty is better than reading the news. Look I have got to stop reading the news. It’s come down even to guilt. I would rather sit here and feel guilty about not exercising, not praying, not doing school, not cleaning, and forgetting people’s birthdays than keep reading the news. WHY Can’t I Stop Reading The News?! Why!? Someone tell me to stop! Or just go read more and better takes. It’s Friday after all.

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