Oh Grow Up

Last updated on: September 16, 2020 at 9:50 am by Anne Kennedy

Oh Grow Up 2020-09-16T09:50:13-04:00 Anne Kennedy

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Well, this is cheery. Apparently the worst age is 48—in every culture, regardless of life-expectancy, personality, or social situation, even for chimpanzees:

Mr Blanchflower, 68, is now an economics professor in America, teaching at Dartmouth College in Hanover, New Hampshire. The survey looked at data from 500,000 people in 145 countries. Respondents were asked: “Overall, how satisfied are you with your life nowadays?” Those in their late forties gave the most negative replies. Professor Blanchflower said he was surprised to find that the results held true for richer and poorer countries, as well as those with longer and shorter life expectancies. He said: “You would have thought in cases where life expectancy is much lower . . . if you look at countries in the bottom 20 and top 20 it is true in all of them. “In a way, it’s something deep in the genes. The fact I see it in every developed country, every member of the European Union. All these developing countries have it. Even monkeys have it. There is something deeply natural going on.” The existence of a mid-life crisis among great apes was discovered in a 2012 study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America. The study of 508 apes involved people familiar with the individual animals, which consisted of chimpanzees and orangutans, assessing their ward’s wellbeing at different ages. The reason for the mid-life dip in happiness remains unclear. Professor Blanchflower said, however, that family structures and people becoming more realistic about what is achievable in life could have some affect.

Yeah, that could definitely be it. Just a little. Reality is a real pain in the neck, I think. That and this (from the article):

“When you have children, toddlers make you really happy but adult children are a problem.”

I had no idea– adult children are a problem! I would have said that people, in general, are a problem, and being a person, I therefore have, and am—to varying degrees depending on the moment—a problem. This is why human beings should keep their expectations a touch low. You go into life thinking it’s going to be awesome, and then you get to 2020, and it turns out not to be that awesome.

Anyway, I’ve linked two clever and useful books several times in the last week, but I’ll link them again. Earlier in the summer, I read Michelle Van Loon’s Becoming Sage, which is basically about how you, O Mortal, are going to age whether you like it or not, and you might as well deal with reality. Not only so, while Churchy/Christian people worry about the young wandering away from their childhood faith, it is actually the case that many people find themselves lost at mid-life, that the imagined upward trajectory towards mature discipleships gets derailed, that existing cracks begin to show, and many churches don’t think about this demographic or worry about what to do about it.

I found it an encouraging book, not only because I guess I am technically now “d’un certain age,” but because it is a very kind and gentle pushback to the cult of youth that continues to grip the culture and the church. There are good reasons to grow up, to mature, to become “sage” as Michelle puts it. Deciding not to, or just drifting along through life is, of course, an option, but not a very good one. Just because Jesus died at age thirty, doesn’t mean you have to give up and move into your parents’ basement.

The second one, whose book birthday was yesterday, and which I am reading slowly because that’s what I do, is Dorothy Grecco’s Marriage in the Middle. Like Becoming Sage, it’s a needed call to face facts, to admit reality, to pull your head out of the sand (will piling up metaphors help me want to do this?), to acknowledge that life is hard and that sometimes it is hardest just when you think it should be getting easier. Moreover, if you are married, guess what, barring something terrible like death, abuse, adultery, or other kinds of catastrophe, you should try to stay married.

Dorothy’s message feels like a perplexing and unusual truth in this day and age. Doing hard things is hard, everyone moans. The cultural cry to follow your fickle and changeable heart can’t possibly be wrong—can it? Except when it leads you into misery, isolation, and ruin. When that happens does it occur to anyone to change course? To turn around? Not usually. No, it’s just that you didn’t follow yourself in the right way. That you haven’t worked hard enough to discover your own essential nature. If you keep trying you will eventually find some fleeting moments of happiness. Won’t you?

If you think this way, or know someone who does, both these books will be good for you to recenter yourself in the better hope of Jesus, who, though he died, also rose again and continues to live forever.

Or you could take your life coaching from Cardi B., who, you’ll be shocked to learn, in spite of being very rich and sexy and all that, is going to leave her husband, Offset, because “there are no prospects for a reconciliation.” I mean, I wasn’t going to rope this in here, but it just came into my newsfeed and I thought maybe you’d want to know.

The thing I’ve learned in the last year, being well into my forties now, is that all the decisions I made in my twenties and thirties really did matter. So my hatred of exercise has born fruit in my continued hatred of exercise, except that now I really have to do it, because everything hurts if I don’t. I wish maybe I had learned to do some physical something that was enjoyable and fun, like golf or tennis, but I’ve got nothing, except my dreaded mat and horrible thin beautiful YouTube celebrities shouting at me to do one more sit-up.

On the other hand, without knowing why it would be so important, I always “chose” Matt over everything else, like the children. I mean, I definitely am all in for my children, because, as you know, I’m a Good Good Mother, It’s Who I am its who I am, but also, there is always that point in the day where the kids have to take a hike because I much prefer their father for company in the long dark evenings, rather than their endless prattle. It’s an inward and outward turn I’ve made thousands of times over the last two decades, and keep making, even when other things and people cry for my attention. It is the right kind of habit, one that, now that life is so much more complicated, I’m grateful I’ve built and that I don’t have to constantly remind myself where true happiness lies.

And Jesus, of course—there are so many opportunities to turn the inward eye toward his darkened face and to try, yet again, to see who he is and what he might be doing all around me. Meanwhile, I scream like a toddler as I endure what feels too much like a second adolescence. What a mercy for me to have such good friends as Dorothy and Michelle to go along the way.

books

Demotivations with Anne

Culture Watch

vanity

Previous Post

September 15, 2020

The New Nailed It You Were All Longing For

Next Post

September 17, 2020 In Which I Read Aimee’s Book And Rant About Everything

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category books Catechesis of the Good Shepherd Children in Conversation culture watch Daily Devotions Demotivations with Anne faith alone for the grandparents GAFCON In conversation with children In the News Kitchen Notes Lambeth Learning Notes Life Going On Men are Human Notes from Home Pictures Reading the Bible Saturday Links Sermons Signs of the Apocalypse The Bad Word Association The Prayer of Jonah Travel Notes Uncategorized Witless Wednesdays Work and the Christian

Select a Month June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 July 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which Old Testament book is composed mostly of love poems?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Proverbs Song of Solomon Ruth Ecclesiastes

Books by This Author Books by Anne Kennedy

See All Titles »