Anne’s Guide to the Death and Suffering Plan

Last updated on: July 29, 2020 at 7:56 am by Anne Kennedy

Anne’s Guide to the Death and Suffering Plan 2020-07-29T07:56:08-04:00 Anne Kennedy

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Here, have some Kale.

Well, the world is still on fire this morning. Just read this long piece about how only a thousand people will be allowed to do the hajj this year, and no people from out of country. And here are the usual inconsistencies in my own state. And here is the end of the world in California. And I guess some school districts around the country are finally making the decision not to open. So maybe you are looking at a long stretch of frustration, disappointment, and sorrow. It’s Wednesday, so how ‘bout a review of Anne’s Guide To Surviving Life, also known as The Death And Suffering Plan Is Totally Fine.

So there you are, nothing is open except casinos and Walmart and maybe it’s a hoax or maybe it’s real, who even cares anymore. What do you do?

First, you fall to your knees and thank God you’re not famous or important or an influencer or anything. You might think it would be easier to be rich, famous, or important because people who have money can pay someone else to educate their kids for them, and don’t have to go to work and stuff like that. But that’s not true. The more money the more problems (just like the more kids the more dishes). It’s actually better to have a very small sphere in which to sin, be weird, and make yourself and others miserable. I used to accomplish this by watching old episodes of the Kardashians. That’s actually the best way. When you’ve watched all of them, though, you can move on to terrible podcasts by theologically vacuous celebrities and thank God that you are not like any of them. Oh, I know, Jesus says not to do that, but basically what you’re aiming for is contentment. And sometimes a little negative comparison can go a long way. Here’s how the inner dialogue goes:

Me: Oh my word, I’m never going to be able to shop without a mask.

Also Me: But at least I didn’t write Girl, Wash Your Face.

Me Again: Oh, that’s right, PRAISE GOD.

Second, you decide not to give up. This is actually really hard. I feel like giving up is the siren call of the entire internet. The reason that social media exists at all is to make me angry enough to give up. But giving up is lame. I tried it for a few months and I gained some pounds and my cholesterol got lots worse. Also my ability to cope with everything. So, in line with trying to be content, try not to give up. This is Rachel Hollis 101, only subverted to be actually Christian. The way that Christians manage to…I think the word is “persevere”…is to fling all their despair and trouble at the feet of Jesus and then try to stand up and do something functional and selfless, like praying for the catalog of enemies that those clever algorithms aggregate, or make food for a hungry child (probably your own), or scrubbing the gunk out of the sink, or smashing Japanese beetles.

Third, you remember that nothing really matters. This is really key. Seriously, it doesn’t matter, it’s fine. Why? Because Jesus is going to come back, as Matt said on Twitter this week, with his robe dipped in blood and a sword coming out of his mouth. So if everyone in the world is wrong about everything, it’s fine, seriously, it doesn’t matter, because Jesus will fix it. Of course, the fix will be fiery and painful for the whole universe but whatever, it’s fine, it doesn’t matter. There’s nothing you can do about it. For real. Just stare out the window and try to remember what you came into this room for.

Fourth, try not to be a gnostic. This will be hard because everyone is right now. You must find your true inner self no matter the cost shouts everyone everywhere, along with a lot of other specious lies. In your attempt not to give up, remind yourself that your true inner self is a mystery to you but not to God and that God put your true inner self inside a body. Take a bath, eat something healthy, be grateful about the spacial limitations God has placed upon you. You can’t go beyond the end of your own fingertips, and that’s a good thing. You don’t have to have good feelings, but it is a good idea to do healthy and functional things.

And finally, and this is always true about everything, lower your expectations. The problem with everything in life is that we all wander around the world thinking we should have a party and a good time, and instead we have the Kardashians and Covid. It’s so disappointing. But if you wake up in the morning and think, ‘this will probably get worse and I will hate it and then I will die,’ anything good that happens at all feels like the party. Lower your expectations of yourself too. If you think, ‘I’m Awesome and Good,’ you will be sad when you turn out to be a jerk and accomplish nothing on your list. But if you think, ‘I’m a Sinner and also a touch Incompetent and many people find me weird,’ when you manage to do good and not evil, you’ll be grateful instead of exultant, and that, for realz, is good for all of humanity. Why? Because when you are grateful instead of exultant or angry, you can see, in brief, tantalizing snatches, how great a love that Jesus worked out in his own suffering on the cross, and how, when we were so disappointed with him, yet he accomplished the only work that really matters in all of creation.

Well, there you are. Have a nice day! Or a bad one. Remember, Nothing Matters…except Jesus, and he can give you all the stuff you need that really matters.

Demotivations with Anne

Just Plain Sarcastic

Just Plain Spiritual

vanity

Previous Post

July 28, 2020

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Next Post

July 30, 2020 A Brief Rant About Tribalism

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category books Catechesis of the Good Shepherd Children in Conversation culture watch Daily Devotions Demotivations with Anne faith alone for the grandparents GAFCON In conversation with children In the News Kitchen Notes Lambeth Learning Notes Life Going On Men are Human Notes from Home Pictures Reading the Bible Saturday Links Sermons Signs of the Apocalypse The Bad Word Association The Prayer of Jonah Travel Notes Uncategorized Witless Wednesdays Work and the Christian

Select a Month June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 July 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which letter has the "armor of God" passage?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Ephesians 2 Timothy Colossians Philippians

Books by This Author Books by Anne Kennedy

See All Titles »