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My Live Blog of that Netflix Christmas Hallmark Knock-off

My Live Blog of that Netflix Christmas Hallmark Knock-off

Last updated on: December 18, 2019 at 9:02 am by Anne Kennedy

My Live Blog of that Netflix Christmas Hallmark Knock-off 2019-12-18T09:02:27-04:00 Anne Kennedy

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Besides baking gingerbread cookies and procuring and decorating a Christmas Tree and otherwise completely neglecting Advent (I feel like I will never live down the shame of this year), I have now watched, in quick succession, The Christmas Prince, The Christmas Prince: A Royal Wedding, and The Christmas Prince: A Royal Baby. These are all on Netflix, which I think we should all cancel, running to fling all our devices into the sea, as one might cut off a hand or pluck out an eye. So anyway, I took some notes to make The Christmas Prince: A Royal Baby a little more bearable. Here they are.

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It’s time to update your Christmas! Women, who don’t have anything nice in today’s world and are never petted and honored, have to find their place in society. Hopefully that place will be in a weirdly situated castle in a made-up European country where all racial typecasting prejudices remain fully intact. Also, somehow first wave feminism is here for you in this Netflix Hallmark Christmas knockoff.

So anyway—basic plot line. Royal Baby is due! But Oh No! Asian made up country needs to sign special treaty with made up European Country. Treaty is signed every one hundred years, and this is the year! Queen Amber thinks that, to drag both these little made up countries into the modern era, the queens should sign alongside the kings. She and King (oh my gosh, can’t remember his name…probably doesn’t matter) do everything together, including all vague budgeting for whole kingdom around dining room table with only three other people.

And Now For The Blow By Blow

Jealousy at the heart of it all. But that’s ok, newly minted American queen shakes things up with her slap dash good humor and ability to embarrass everyone.

….“History isn’t made by those who follow rules.” …..#profound

Queen Amber has to hold her tummy all the time so that we know she’s pregnant.

Sassy American Queen tries out technology plus Cinderella shoe reenactment.

And now the treaty signing. True misogyny at work. Asian queen refuses for queens to sign, doesn’t understand how very important it is for all queens everywhere to step into their rightful place as people constantly honored by the praises of their people—American sassy queen will instruct backward Asian queen just like always. OH NO! The treaty is gone!

“If we don’t sort this out, we’ll all end up in the dungeon!”

Supporting cast plays weird made up game but only for a minute or so. Not sure how this scene really fits in.

“He’s more than just a bad boy, he cares about me.”

“We’re in love.”

“Sorcery fell out of favor long ago!”

Gay ethnically Indian wedding planner turned baby-shower planner and new African American partner from previous movie under suspicion for stealing treaty. Also, one wonders, why are those attracted to their own sex always the ones to provide celebratory wedding and baby planning for the heterosexual…is this too big a question for this moment? Wait, what is even in this eggnog?

Oh no! Where will the only very slightly and very agile full term pregnant woman hide?

Oh no! There’s going to be a curse on the new baby!

Funny Birth Stuff

An invitation to attend a royal baby shower! Wow. Really. Oh my word. It’s so awful. Wow. How do they get all the stuff in a blizzard? Horrifying baby-shower montage.

“My gift is a song!” Oh wow, I have tears in my eyes.

What’s with the black help? Wow Netflix. Wow.

But in all things! Remember that women need all the credit they’re due!

Why is the King putting together the royal crib? Crib falls apart of course.

Oh the intrigue! Is the creepy cousin really creepy? And evil? Or just creepy?

Christmas Market scene. Asian queen finally sees she deserves credit for all her hard work.

Women pushed around in chairs on ice montage.

Queen Amber wins archery contest proving she is right about something or other. Faints.

Airport opens. Asian King and Queen will leave without signing treaty.

Labor

Doctor crashes into a snowbank.

Asian queen happens to be a maternity person.

King goes to rescue doctor.

Instead of having any contractions, Queen Amber recounts details of sorcerer’s curse.

Disabled girl on crutches goes into the dark to search “the furthest corner.” Which is the dungeon. Queen mum and disabled girl get locked in dungeon, of course. And why would they have a cell phone? Because they don’t. Queen mum stands by helplessly while disabled girl fails to stretch crutch out far enough to reach key to dungeon door off hook. Also stands by while girl falls. But lo! Light from somewhere or other into random crack in the wall reveals missing treaty!

King goes on horseback to rescue doctor. “Because the roads are bad,”—me quoting myself.

Oh yeah, every young mother loves labor on an exercise ball.

Labor in a palace is surprisingly like everyday life in palace. Like, all the doors are wide open, and people just wander in and out. It’s actually kind of medieval.

Asian queen massages back of pregnant queen with paint roller. Really? I’m sorry, that is the weirdest thing ever.

Back to dungeon. Queen mum and disabled girl easily pick lock with hairpin and make it back up all those stairs in record time, like seconds.

But it’s up to Queen Amber to piece it all together while she’s in labor, in between purple satin sheets, with everyone in her enormous royal bedroom—seriously, everyone. As she figures it out, she rubs her tummy.

Yeah, there is a blood feud. “I didn’t know about the curse until tonight.” Neither did I. I had no idea.

Creepy cousin gets engaged in royal bedroom. I love how all of this is happening in venue where the baby will ostensibly be born.

“There’s always time to make history, but not too much time!”

Queens sign first. Of course. Right at the stroke of midnight. That’s how life always works.

Also, royal stomach is not big enough to produce that size of baby. Glad, honestly, that there is only one second of “labor” because this is painful. Seriously, though, hope my children don’t think this is what acquiring children is really like. Also, not going to bring it up, don’t want to disappoint them with reality.

……And, of course it’s a girl. “Just like her mother.”

I’ve always wanted to give birth in between purple satin sheets. Everyone does. It’s the most comfortable thing in the world. And…it’s a three-month-old baby.

Ellorie Claire Charlotte. Really? It’s called Ellory? And Queen Amber’s makeup is intact.

Asian queen gives necklace to Queen Amber.

My takeaway–The Christmas decorations are terrible, and yes, I would watch it again in a heartbeat.

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