Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Preventing Grace

Home
Evangelical
For All Saints Day, Jesus Makes A Listicle

For All Saints Day, Jesus Makes A Listicle

Last updated on: November 3, 2019 at 7:46 am by Anne Kennedy

For All Saints Day, Jesus Makes A Listicle 2019-11-03T07:46:26-04:00 Anne Kennedy

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Jesus, surprised you thought it would be easy on account of how he kept saying it would be really hard and you would not enjoy yourself.

It is turning into a vice, but every morning I do go and check out the fashion and celebrity news on Flipboard. It aggregates all the things that famous people are saying, along with vague news articles about Boris and Trump, fluffy cat pictures, and listicles galore. The only bad part is that it is jarring to wander around over there, through the seven ways to make your cheap outfit look more expensive, the three things you can do to make your living room look more fashionable, the ten things you should do every day to be happy, the thing that Taylor Swift said about Jameela Jamil, what a Kardashian wore for Halloween, and three things you’re never supposed to require from your child and then try to wrap your mind around anything that Jesus might say.

So anyway, it’s Fake All Saints today, and there is a listicle—turns out even God isn’t against numbering things. Most people have forgotten about the original ten things they were supposed to do to go to heaven. All of them can be summed up under the heading, Be Holy or Don’t Ever Sin. Like all lists, a mere glanced is enough to tell you they’re impossible, just like all the lists on Ladders.com.

The traditional listicle for All Saints is more worrisome, I think, because some people like to pretend that they can do it. I heard one person say, “Oh, I’m a peace maker, like Jesus, it’s just who I am.” Hmmm, I nodded, sure you are. Clearly you have reconciled humanity to God inside your own bosom. How is the poor in spirit-ness going? I mean, I didn’t say that, I just judged him in my heart, as Jesus commands me not to do.

This is Luke’s version—8 divine expectations which, if you are honest with yourself, you do not share and which are, both at a surface glance, and when you go deeper, super disappointing:

“Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.
“Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you shall be satisfied.
“Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.
“Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man! Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets.
“But woe to you who are rich, for you have received your consolation.
“Woe to you who are full now, for you shall be hungry.
“Woe to you who laugh now, for you shall mourn and weep.
“Woe to you, when all people speak well of you, for so their fathers did to the false prophets.

Oh, well, that sounds fun. The list should read more like this:
Blessed are the rich, for they can better live our their body neutrality without having to stuff themselves into clothes they hate.
Blessed are the full, for they are able to eat keto and have a trainer and do not have to walk by trays of donuts at coffee hour.
Blessed are those who laugh now, for nobody wants to be unhappy, indeed, the very point of earthly life is happiness, that’s pretty much what propels me through the day, the bleak search for happiness.
Blessed are you when people love you, for that is also why you get up in the morning. Being reviled and excluded is absolutely the last thing you can face.
Woe to you who live in California, for indeed, that sounds really miserable with the fires and the blackouts.
Woe to you who got scammed by airbnb.
Woe to you who have the wrong thoughts about things on social media. I hope you don’t lose your job.
Woe to you who are stressed out about all the things.

In other words, the problem with Jesus’ version of a happy life is that all the happiness seems to be promised for later. The woes and the blessings are in the wrong places. It’s like he was confused, and flipped them round the wrong way.

Anyway, those were all descriptive, what can you do to be happy, or successful, or whatever? Well, there are a few things. Ten things to do, besides the Ten Commandments:

“Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,
bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.
To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either.
Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back.
And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
“If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them.
And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same.
And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount.
But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.
Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

To put it more succinctly, do the opposite of everything you want to do, everything that feels ‘right,’ everything that would make you happy in the short term. You’re being offered a long, terrible, marshmallow test, only with no qualifications for income, family background, or anything.

I particularly love Jesus’ ridiculous question, “What benefit is that to you?” That’s like asking, Is the sky blue? It is of every benefit to do good to people who are doing good to you. That’s called being normal, and human, and being sure that you have a job again the next morning. As for loving my enemies. Well, I mean, I must first love myself, remember? The greatest love of all…or something like that.

No, truly, it is important to count the cost and see that if you are going to put yourself into the hands of Jesus, you are basically letting go of the things that make the most sense to you, to your idea of flourishing, to your idea of happiness and comfort, and are going to have your whole world thrown into turmoil.

Not to update it, but if you wanted to use some more modern words, you could maybe tack them on:
Blessed are the anxious, now, for Jesus really did promise that life would be full of trouble and there would be plenty to wake you up in the middle of the night with those horrible spin cycles where you can’t grab a hold of reality and when you try to pray sometimes that just makes it worse.
Blessed are the ones who are counting out their dollars, however painfully, and are overwhelmed both by their own needs and those of everybody around them.
Blessed are the people who endure conflict and try their best to resolve it but sometimes it just doesn’t go the way they hoped.
Blessed are those who try really hard for “balance” and “margin” but because they have real relationships with people, and are obedient to Christ, they find themselves pressed for time because an orderly and perfect life that makes sense to them and is really comfortable is not very important to Jesus.

I mean, I could go on, but I think the original list is pretty great. Ages ago, when the people of Israel first wandered into the promised land, they were supposed to stand on two mountains and shout the blessings and curses of that promise. If they obeyed God it would go well. If they disobeyed, it would go badly. And of course it went badly, because they could not obey. They needed a Savior. They needed God Himself to come and be obedient to his own law, to take the law and inscribe it, rather painfully, onto their very hearts. They needed to have the mercy of God remake their minds so that they could endure the promised hardship and trial for his sake on their way into his perfect and holy kingdom.

And, of course, he did. He came, he opened the way to heaven that had been barred by their rebellious disobedience, yea even my own, and yours. He takes this horrible list and turns your very soul over so that it is really the right way up. Can you explain it? Not really. There’s no human explanation for the alien humility and strength that propels you not only through the week, but into church on Sunday morning. See you there!

Previous Post

November 1, 2019

7 Body Takes

Next Post

November 4, 2019 Church Punditry Podcast and Links

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category books Catechesis of the Good Shepherd Children in Conversation culture watch Daily Devotions Demotivations with Anne faith alone for the grandparents GAFCON In conversation with children In the News Kitchen Notes Lambeth Learning Notes Life Going On Men are Human Notes from Home Pictures Reading the Bible Saturday Links Sermons Signs of the Apocalypse The Bad Word Association The Prayer of Jonah Travel Notes Uncategorized Witless Wednesdays Work and the Christian

Select a Month June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 July 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who was the first man created by God?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Noah Adam Abraham Moses

Books by This Author Books by Anne Kennedy

See All Titles »