Maybe Go Ahead And Put Some Hope In Date Night

Last updated on: February 13, 2019 at 10:04 am by Anne Kennedy

Maybe Go Ahead And Put Some Hope In Date Night 2019-02-13T10:04:59-04:00 Anne Kennedy

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Tomorrow, in case you live in a cave, is Valentine’s Day. I was going to be here for you in the matter of unpacking everything goop thinks will make your day super special, but then I came across this piece, and I find myself compelled (probably by God but we can quibble about that later) to provide another, urgent, point of view.

Let me set it up by saying that I find myself on many a Sunday afternoon, after church, along with my good husband, engaged in pre-marriage instruction. I used to call it pre-marriage counseling, but along the way I explained to myself that we aren’t really ‘counseling’ anyone. We are telling the two young people what they should do, many times rather forcefully, in order to have a happy marriage. Sure, we listen—we listen plenty—because everyone is a little nuts and no one comes into the marriage estate without whole buckets full of family heartbreak, strange bad ideas, and anxiety. But then the couple listens to us while we talk, and we say a lot of things. And one of the things we say is that they should pick an evening (which can change, of course) and call it “Date Night.” Make that evening sacrosanct. Let absolutely nothing interfere with it. Cling onto it with their whole selves. Do not let any excuses or tiredness or anger shift them off from enacting it, especially with liturgy, Every Single Week.

Invariably, having laid down this law, the young soon to be marrieds look at us quizzically and think we are dummies. Every week? Surely not. How ‘bout once a month? And what do we have to do?

“Talk to each other,” we say, with tears in our eyes. First she will talk, at great length, about everything that has happened to her all week, and he will listen with real interest. Then he will talk, at length, and she will listen. And then they will go back and forth, laying out everything they can think of, laboriously sorting through the events, the emotions, the thoughts, the anxieties of every corner of life that week. And then they will keep talking and then they will collapse into bed, exhausted from the trauma of having to talk. That’s what we mean by ‘liturgy.’ You do it every week in exactly the same way, just like going to church, or dropping the children off at school in the snow.

The couple is then married and goes about their lives, and maybe sometimes they wander back to us, stressed out, and the first thing we ask is, “How Is Date Night?” Their eyes fall to the floor, they shift and murmur. They never picked a time, see. They thought they would just work it out every week. But then they discovered that life is busy. It turns out that it’s kind of hard to figure out. But can we just help with this one problem just now? I always feel like saying, but I never do, “Not unless you promise me you’ll institute date night.”

Every single marriage problem we’ve encountered finds its root in the two married people not talking to each other in a real meaningful exhaustive way at least once a week. Should I say it again? It’s not the finances, although that’s a big one. It’s not the sex, although that’s so hard. It’s not family stuff, although that always hovers and broods. Except that it is all of those things because, wait for it, the two people are not talking to each other about them all in a regular way at least once a week.

Try it this way. If you shuffle into Matt’s office and complain that God is far away and you are stressed out and you don’t know what to do with yourself and you’re so unhappy, he will ask you one question. One single little bitty question. “How is your prayer life?” And if you sit there and gaze at your feet and stare at the ceiling, he will be forced to say, “Well what do you expect?” If you don’t ever talk to God, really, about the deepest and most anxious and darkest parts of you, how on earth can you expect to be ok? That is a wrong expectation. You must pray. You must. It is the air that the Christian breaths. If you refuse to pray, you are saying to God that you would rather suffocate than talk to him.

So also in marriage, if you do not have a regular habit of talking to your spouse, you are basically saying that you would rather suffocate and not breathe and just be miserable and sad, that you would rather die than be ok. Which is absurd.

That’s why articles like this make all my bells and whistles go off. Don’t set up a false construct. Date Night, of course, does not need to be a time where you go out and spend a lot of money. But guess what it also doesn’t need to be—family night with the kids. Make that some other time. Nor a time where you decide not to do it because your dining room table is full of junk. Nor a time where you let all your anger from the week be such a barrier that you find some excuse why you can’t sit down with a glass of wine and stare at each other for three hours. That’s why sometimes you do have to Go Out—not because you need some sparkly romance, but because you have to really talk to each other without interruptions.

The reasons listed in the article not to do this—because it’s a modern construct, or a treat, or it’s not even possible—do not carry any water with me. Sure, where I grew up, you do not have to be friends with your spouse. You don’t have to spend any time with your spouse. Different culture. Different context. In this culture, I don’t know if you have noticed, the marriage covenant carries a vast array of emotional and practical expectations inside of it. Moreover, it is under all kinds of assault, from outside and within. Marriage is not easy in this time and place. Most of us go into it with the expectation that the other person will meet most of our emotional needs. Unless you are planning on becoming some other nationality, and learning a different language, and not being western at all, you need date night.

If that makes you shudder, call it something else. Call it date morning. Call it that conversation that you have once a week with your spouse where you say all the things you need to say. Call it the regular habit of talking so much so that you slowly build a true foundation that let’s you deal with the deep terrible things that come up in daily life without the pressure and terror of Not Knowing how to talk, of letting everything else crowd out your knowing of each other.

Yeah, God can bless your marriage in other ways. Of course. But guess what, he might also let the natural consequences of not regularly talking to each other catch up with you and cause you all kinds of heartbreak. I would say it this way, Date Night Can Preserve Your Marriage. Put your hope in Jesus who gives you the grace of Date Night, just like he gives you the grace of prayer.

Oh, and Happy Valentines Day. If you don’t have Date Night and then you try to skip Valentine’s Day, oh my word, may God have mercy on your soul.

Men are Human

Culture Watch

Marriage

Previous Post

February 12, 2019

Cliches on Tuesday

Next Post

February 14, 2019 A Valentine Gift Buying Guide For The Rest Of Us

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category books Catechesis of the Good Shepherd Children in Conversation culture watch Daily Devotions Demotivations with Anne faith alone for the grandparents GAFCON In conversation with children In the News Kitchen Notes Lambeth Learning Notes Life Going On Men are Human Notes from Home Pictures Reading the Bible Saturday Links Sermons Signs of the Apocalypse The Bad Word Association The Prayer of Jonah Travel Notes Uncategorized Witless Wednesdays Work and the Christian

Select a Month June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 July 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who was the first woman?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Deborah Mary Eve Sarah

Books by This Author Books by Anne Kennedy

See All Titles »