How To Ruin Everything In Two Easy Steps

Last updated on: July 24, 2018 at 8:39 am by Anne Kennedy

How To Ruin Everything In Two Easy Steps 2018-07-24T08:39:06-04:00 Anne Kennedy

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Was well rewarded in my internet search this morning by first this, and then this. Landed on them both after a brilliant listicle—5 Fascinating Morning Habits of Sociopaths. A welcome relief from the five, ten, and fifteen ways to be a better, happier person, the seven ways to find the ghost that lives in your house, and the six ways not to get an STI when you go on holiday in France.

So anyway, in case you didn’t click the links, the first one is about how to carry on with something called “No Labels Dating.” As in, you want to sleep with someone. But you also want to sleep with other people. And by sleep I mean, of course, anything but that. But the first person you want to sleep with, you also desire to have a certain sort friendliness. You might like to hang about with him and do other things, besides the, you know, I’m not going to say it. But you don’t want anyone to be jealous. And you don’t want to explain yourself to anyone. And you certainly don’t want to get married or anything wacko like that. But also, you might have trouble navigating this new and wondrous free open space that has literally never been thought of in a thousand years. So there’s an expert to give you some advice. Even though, I mean, we have all understood that it is no big deal. Sex isn’t a complicated thing that if you misuse it can bring you any heartbreak. It only ever makes people happy the more they have it, especially without any social, personal, intellectual, cultural, or theological considered reflection.

The article concludes, “I managed to avoid labelling a relationship for a year. And it was fun. It certainly makes for a fizzy, exciting way to date. But it’s not without its pitfalls – jealousy being just one. And, ultimately, without the safety net of labels and boundaries, falling in love with someone can start to feel a little terrifying.”

Wait. I’m so confused. You need a safety net? That’s so weird.

Anyway, don’t worry, if you find yourself heartbroken or with some kind of terrible illness and you accidentally wander into a church, or rather by a church, you won’t be accosted by anybody trying to read you the Bible. That book is caraazzeeyyyy. You don’t need that kind of negativity.

I love this new bright charming age of everybody following after the devices and desires of their own hearts without stopping to wonder what the fallout may be. And I particularly love how anything about God won’t be a hinderance for anyone at all. Really, he’s the only one for whom there’s no room in this new no labels world.

Can’t help thinking of that devastating passage, though, in Ezekiel, where the people of Israel, likened to a woman who just doesn’t want to be limited for any reason, especially by God, finds herself in rather a lot of grief after she got everything she wanted. Speaking of jealousy. And heartbreak. But we’re not allowed to read that anymore, especially not in public. And I certainly won’t quote it, because of the rather ghastly images and vocabulary. I mean, I know we ought to be free to speak openly, and God certainly did, but I’m rather shocked really.

Anyway, with God safely out of the way, and his awful jealous attention, I’m sure everything will only get better. Women and men will only get on with each other better than any of their ancestors did. There won’t be any regrets, what with there having been no labels, and the earth will be healed by our, what do you call it? Love? No, that’s not it. Anxiety during the day, depression and mental illness in the evening? That sounds more likely. When you awaken, you won’t need to be satisfied with His likeness, you can spend a good long time on yours, and then concentrate on yourself, and then watch a dark movie (3 of the 5 morning habits of sociopaths). It’s going to be wonderful.

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