7 Ways To Survive “Spring”

Last updated on: April 13, 2018 at 8:42 am by Anne Kennedy

7 Ways To Survive “Spring” 2018-04-13T08:42:27-04:00 Anne Kennedy

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The snow has been replaced by rain. The sky is as gray as ever. It’s Friday. Here are seven ways to get through the “Spring.”

One-Spend More Time On Facebook
The bright screen and constant notifications mimic the idea of contentment and happiness. Every time you see that little red number it sends a little burst of some hormone or other to your brain to let you know that everything is fine and you really are a happy and satisfied person. I read this on the internet, so I know what I’m talking about. I mean, we all know that spending more time on Facebook is not exactly the same as real soul level happiness, but it feels basically like it in the moment. And for real, it’s all you’ve got now so just go with it.

Two-Look Out of The Window and Think About Death
Good weather and sunshine are for the weak. You are not weak. You are strong. You can stare into the gray sky and laugh at the times to come. Which will eventually include your own death, but that’s fine. It’ll be fine. If you don’t believe in God, you can contemplate the sweet mercy of nothingness. If you do believe in some divine something, you can contemplate the absurdity of human existence. If you are a Christian, you can contemplate the rapture and Armageddon and stuff. All those things. Just stare into the gray sky and conjur up all those French phrases you once knew. “Je ne regrette rien,” “Paris, je t’aime,” and stuff like that. Watch the video of this cat. He knows how you feel.

Three-Clean Your House Again
It needs it. Don’t lie to yourself, there’s always more cleaning you can do. You think it looks clean, because you have been cleaning it for months, what with never being able to go outside, but have you Kon Mari’d your drawers? Have you nested your handbags one inside the other? Have you cleaned out your purse? Your briefcase? Your office? Your kitchen cupboards? Your spice shelf? Have you taken all your books off your shelf and dusted them and then arranged them by color?

Four-Buy Some Junk On Amazon
After you’ve cleaned out your house you’ll have lots of empty spaces to fill up. Spend some time on Amazon just clicking around to see where you end up. You might buy a pair of shoes, or a box of food or something. Don’t worry about your bank account. Buying stuff will make you happy, just like Facebook does.

Five-Get Some Exercise
I’m kidding. You don’t need to exercise. Sit in your chair watching Moments of Wonder with Philomena Cunk. Why is she so thin? How can she possibly be so thin? I bet she doesn’t even eat. Maybe you should eat some of the food she’s not eating. Walking to the fridge will put some more steps onto your counter. And you need to keep up your strength for the long winter, I mean spring, months.

Six-Plan A Vacation
You may not be able to actually go anywhere, because of Number Four, but you can dream. Look around especially at the ways celebrities recreate. It will make you feel better about yourself in the long run. Here you are, standing on the beach.

Seven-Try Appeasing The Gods Of The Weather
I’ve attempted to do this through prayer and fasting and offering up small sacrifices, like feeling guilty about all the things. So far it’s not exactly working, but I don’t think I should give up because there’s gotta be some wretched demigod out there, waiting for me to offer up a piece of chocolate, who can then go placate the rain and wind or something. Isn’t that how it works? I mean, I get that it has not exactly worked heretofore, but I think doing the same things over and over and hoping for different results is the best way to proceed.

Well, there you are, let me know how it goes. I’m going to catch up on all the Takes.

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