7 Guilty Takes

Last updated on: February 2, 2018 at 10:17 am by Anne Kennedy

7 Guilty Takes 2018-02-02T10:17:18-04:00 Anne Kennedy

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So Friday! How bout Takes?
One
My youngest child is turning seven a week from today. She is pretty excited, as you can imagine, and has been waiting for this day for a long time. I, on the other hand, am feeling pretty tragic. We had six babies in a row, some of whom were a terrifying surprise, but the biggest surprise for me, which no sane person would be able to wrap her mind around, was having no more babies whatsoever turn up after that. You spend a decade nursing and pregnant and you get used to it. You settle in and think it’s your life now. It’s just the way things are. You even, which is appalling, get a little bit addicted to there always being a baby around. Then it grinds to a sudden and complete halt and you wonder what to do with yourself. As the years have gone by and I’ve watched friends go on to have seven, eight, and more children, I won’t lie, I’ve felt vaguely jealous and sad. Such is the perversity of life–you get to have something lovely, like a lot of healthy beautiful children, and then you “struggle” to be grateful when there aren’t any more. Struggle being the Christian word for failure. Add to this that I just got to read a really great book about infertility and childlessness–that is, when you don’t get to have any children at all–and so now feel guilty about feeling sad.

Two
Guilt is such a great motivator. Especially when it’s unconnected to actual sin. The best kind of guilt is always about feelings. I love feeling guilty about feeling a certain way, or about portions of my life over which I have absolutely no control, like how other people feel. It’s so much the best.

Three
Have been toiling back through Genesis, after a little jaunt around Job, and am so comforted by Sarah’s rage, despair, distrust, and unbelief. It’s particularly her unkindness to Hagar that is so comforting to me. I mean, first she convinces Abraham to do something that, if she really stared into the blackness of herself, she would Know couldn’t fail to make her unhappy and jealous. And Abraham, a fool and a knave, agrees to do what she wants. And so the two of them together ruin and destroy the life of Hagar. And then, get this, Sarah is bitter and angry and jealous and can’t deal. I mean, if these three people walked into my church of a Sunday and it was my job to help them sort out the mess after the closing hymn, which would mean I wouldn’t be going down for a cup of coffee that I don’t even want, I would be So Irritated. So Many Unforced Errors. The easy way would be to Not Do It In The First Place. But they did. It’s right there on the page. And God doesn’t strike them down. He takes care of Hagar. He blesses, that’s right, he blesses Sarah and gives her a child, even after all that grief and sin and jealousy. And he blesses Abraham. Indeed, he gives Abraham the most intense picture of the cross that there is in the Old Testament. I mean, they don’t enjoy themselves, but they do get to keep on living. Forever, in fact.

Four
Just to clarify, am not advocating being awful to each other and sinning. I guess I should say that, this being the Internet and all. The comfort lies in the tangled and messy picture of the gospel. Looking in from the outside you can easily see what all these people should have been doing. You can stand athwart history and helplessly shout Stop It. But when you yourself are in the middle of your own life, you cannot but sin. You can’t do the right thing–not all the time. You are going to make other people’s lives difficult when you didn’t need to. You are going to be selfish. You are going to give in to jealousy and sorrow. And then you’re going to have to face the trouble that all that sin brings. If you’re honest you will face it, anyway. But then what do you do? Despair? Or run to the bosom of Abraham? Settle down into the mercy of Christ? Take the mercy and blessing and forgiveness that is offered? If you don’t know the answer to that question then, well, you really won’t enjoy yourself.

Five
Did blog yesterday, but then couldn’t put it up because Patheos was doing some maintenance and I forgot and didn’t post before the site was taken down. So I guess I’ll use that scintillating bit tomorrow, rather than stopping to think that maybe it’s a sign, maybe it’s so awful God himself was keeping me from putting it up. Except, I don’t want to go down that road or I will stop blogging altogether.

And I was on the Ride Home with Kathy on Wednesday, forty minutes or so in.

Six
I just finished a book called The End of Average, which I loved so much that I would read it again. It was so interesting, and explained a lot of what’s wrong with the way things are. It was fantastic to bash through it right on the heels of the Esolen book. Honestly, I need three or four blog posts to sort out all the threads. I think if you enjoy apocalyptic, Sky is Falling books, but you want something more practical to settle your hand to than Be More Good and Virtuous, you’ll enjoy The End of Average and the Deep Work book that I prattled on about so much last year. Anyway, now it’s time for something light and fluffy. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society I think.

Seven
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