Is Santa Really Just St. Nicholas? A Listicle

Last updated on: December 6, 2017 at 10:54 am by Anne Kennedy

Is Santa Really Just St. Nicholas? A Listicle 2017-12-06T10:54:18-04:00 Anne Kennedy

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In a word, No. And here’s why.
One
St. Nicholas Day is tomorrow, many many days before the spiritual coming of Santa who, for Christians of various brands, accompanies the Baby Jesus. I guess to put him in the manger or something? I remain unclear on the details. But for the pagan does not embarrass us all by mentioning any divinity other than his own, mercifully visiting each expectant home alone. Indeed, even for some Christians, he is the Main Event.

St. Nicholas, on the other hand, is a Saint who, on his own feast day, wanders around the earth and bodily visits those children who know of his existence and who have carefully arranged a pair of shoes with a carrot and a turnip–or a potato because who can lay her hand to a turnip these days–protruding from their dark insides. The carrot and turnip, or potato, are for the donkey of St. Nicholas and in their place he leaves chocolates and an orange, and maybe a small toy or a book.

Two
Santa, not to be confused with Satan depending on your level of dyslexia, does not live in heaven with his Lord, having faithfully beat back, literally, the heretics of the church. Rather, in a perversity of spirit, he insists on living in a frigidly cold climate along with a lot of strange creatures who, heretofore, made up the scarier portions of children’s lore. These were the kinds of beasties you wanted to stay away from because they could definitely ruin your life if you crossed them. They have all been pushed out of their caves and holes by relentless, but now declining, industrialization and have gathered around their fat king to make junk for little children.

Santa has no religious affiliation and will visit the pagan or the Christian with impunity.

Three
Santa is, however, subject to the thoughts and prayers of his faithful believers. Increasingly dependent on the word of faith heresy for success, your faith power belief, right action, and performative speech are imagined to directly affect his generosity of spirit. If you don’t believe in him, not only will he not come, but he probably won’t be able to fly either. The level of your Christmas cheer, and your personal affection for Bob Newhart, empower Santa to careen through the sky with a bag full of manufactured in China toys and objets (that’s French for stuff that will break immediately and cause your child to weep inconsolably on Christmas afternoon).

Indeed, some children believe that Santa does not, in fact, live the cold white north, but rather in a grey rambling Chinese factory filled with tiny, overworked elves earning less than a daily wage and breathing in fake gold dust. These children are invariably told to ‘Stop it,’ and’ ‘Be quiet or your little sisters will hear you.’

Four
No child is ever required to sit on and have a picture with St. Nicholas. If they see him at all, they see him in church right after the peace where he delivers greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ and lovingly hands each child a couple of chocolate coins and a small tangerine (regular oranges are too big to hand out on a Sunday morning). He then departs and is not even seen downstairs after the service refreshing himself with a mediocre cup of coffee hour ‘coffee.’

Santa on the other hand is available, for a fee, to have your child propped up on his lap…which isn’t weird at all let me tell you…and to hear the desperate carnal desires of each precious little immortal soul. You, the parent, have to lean in close to hear what your child lisps for so eagerly because it may be that Santa, who ought to be working his tail off the way you are, is not good at time management. Why is he sitting there in the mall when he could be on amazon clicking away?

Five
And finally, Santa, bless him, does not observe Advent. He fills the whole world with this fat red person and does not allow even a sliver of space for the glowing purple Advent light to push away the darkness of our broken humanity. His vague nod towards the infant Christ, his creepy elf leering from the shelf is nothing like the devoted obedience of the Saint, whose love of the poor and anxiety for the church mark him out as a model of holiness, especially needed today.

So no, St. Nicholas is not Santa. And because this is so, it’s fine if they both visit your house this month. No little heads need explode from apparent, though as we can see, Not Real contradiction. As I said yesterday, you’re welcome.

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