I’ve Decided to Launch a Lifestyle Brand

Last updated on: June 29, 2017 at 8:25 am by Anne Kennedy

I’ve Decided to Launch a Lifestyle Brand 2017-06-29T08:25:02-04:00 Anne Kennedy

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I like to jaunt over to goop every now and then just to see how they’re getting on. I find them all, especially Gwenyth, totally fascinating. This morning, though, seemed pretty calm on all fronts–the usual fantastically priced tiny bathing costumes greet you when you arrive, and there are all kinds of pastel colored advice columns. Finally I landed on the compilation of pictures from goop’s recent wellness day, called, so cleverly, in goop health.

All the backgrounds are pale pink, of course, and Gwenyth, master of ceremonies (I guess that ‘mistress’ probably brings the wrong tone) in a floor length, flowing garment with what looks like tiny bitty flowers all over it. It is such a contrast to the minuscule item you’re expected to wear at the beach that gazing at it almost sent me into whip lash.

There were vegan sweets, an oxygen bar, a hydrating I.V. drip, and, of course, crystals. I think if you were desperate for a healthy summer you wouldn’t be able to avoid it after attending this one day extravaganza, less the spiritual warfare of course.

So I was thinking I should probably try to set up my own lifestyle brand. I have nothing else to do and I’m sure the wide world, unmoored by anxiety and stress, is longing for the good advice I can probably give. And, truly, who better equipped to tell you how to live than me, who, like Gwenyth, have my own life completely in hand and am well positioned in this modern age to make a buck…no sorry, that was a mistake, I mean, Be A Help. An expensive help.

If you’d like to avail yourself of my services here’s what will be available when I launch, you know, sometime next week.

Exercise with Anne for $3000 an hour. (10% discount for new clients, you will Not want to miss out on this incredible deal.) For this remarkable price you can Skype in and “workout” with me. Shove into your finest pair of self waist measuring yoga pants and join with me as I, by turns, try to lift a weight and then rest by lying on the floor. It’s my own specially crafted workout based on all the wisdom I’ve accumulated by lying on the floor watching Jillian Michaels with mental health breaks for lying on the floor watching the 7 minute workout. Stick with me and in ten years you’ll be roughly the same size and I’ll have a yacht.

Cook with Anne for $4000. (10% discount for new clients, you will Not want to miss out on this incredible deal.) Get your Skype connection crackling and be ready for fifteen minute cooking sessions with no less than Me! You’ll be virtually with me in my kitchen as I slice, dice, stir, and snark. I’ll help you meal plan, find all the best deals, and figure out the best time of the day to knock back that first bottle of wine. This amazing price will buy you twenty 15 minute sessions.

Laundry with Anne for $100,000. (Sorry, no discount.) Just send me a check and back away slowly. Later I’ll write a blog post from the Seychelles that will be So Amazing it will not only blow your mind, it will do your laundry for you. The post will be a brilliant account of my journey from doing laundry to not, because of your generosity, doing laundry. This fantastical deal is something I, I mean you, will never regret.

I think I’m going to call my lifestyle brand, Get A Life With Anne, but I’m open to suggestions. Also, I need help figuring out PayPal and I’m going to need a brilliant lawyer to help me spend all the money. So, who’s in?

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