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The Radically Caring Way

The Radically Caring Way

Last updated on: February 2, 2017 at 8:42 am by Anne Kennedy

The Radically Caring Way 2017-02-02T08:42:53-04:00 Anne Kennedy

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In the wake of my rant about self care, my attention was drawn to this gem. Turns out that in some, hopefully small, segments of American life, Radical Self Care is a thing. Let me just indulge in a line or two.

The author, Laura Markham, starts with a series of questions.
“Want to feel as playful and vibrant as your children? Want to feel an abundance of energy? Want to experience greater clarity in all you do?”

Who wouldn’t want that? Actually, I don’t need to feel “vibrant” or “playful”. I need wisdom and a sound mind. Those are two different things. The Christian person, I think, has two tasks–to seek God, and to seek after others. This necessarily involves the care of the self, not only because, says Peter or someone, you should, “Cast all your anxieties on him,” that would be God, “because he Cares for you,” but because the human person, created by God, is worth caring for, attending to–body and soul. And this is not so that you can feel vibrant and playful, but so that the good measure of care given to you can be turned around and given to others.

This is so central to the Christian life. As I was complaining two days ago–many Christians harbor the wrong headed assumption that it’s ok, good even, not to care for the body and soul and mind, that somehow you get extra holy points for being a wreck. A lot of Christians feel guilty about sitting down and enjoying the basic elements of life–like food, and rest–because they’re worried about being self indulgent. That’s not a bad worry, but it shouldn’t keep you from taking a shower and enjoying it, or sitting down when you’re tired, or reading something interesting.

But this is a far cry from Dr. Markham’s belief that the best way to care for yourself is to put yourself first, before everyone. And the way to do that is to treat yourself as you would your child. She comes right out and says it.

“Treat yourself as you would your child — do you need a snack or a break right now, so you don’t have a meltdown? Find a way to help yourself feel better.”

This, I think, is tragic. One, because you want the child to grow up and be able to care for himself, or even herself (I’m not sexist). If I treated myself as a child I would be screaming at myself to get dressed and stop throwing cereal on the floor. I don’t need to be a child, I need to be an adult, which means delaying gratification, controling my temper, and not wallowing in an infantalized state.

And Two because the problem with all people starts in infancy. That problem is the deep, abiding turn inward that separates all of us from God and that starts in the womb. When David says, “I was a sinner from my mother’s womb,” he wasn’t talking about all the bad stuff he’d done. He was talking about being oriented away from God and towards the self. Children do that better than anyone. Part of growing up is adopting the costume of at least pretending to care about others. Going back and treating yourself as you would the child is a step backwards, not forwards.

Also, life shouldn’t be about “feeling better.” Life should be about seeking after the One who died so that you could live. That’s not always going to feel great. That pursuit is going to sometimes leave you feeling cast down because you’re going to have to face the fact that you’re a sinner. That will mean acknowledging that you sometimes fail, that you don’t love God, that you don’t really love others, that you have nothing and can do nothing without the One who Cares For You (sorry, sorry, I’ll try to stop yelling).

But in the world of radical self care, that’s not really in the cards. You shouldn’t feel bad. You Should Not. Dr. Markham writes,

“Sadly, remorse and and self-blame after we lose patience doesn’t change anything. Actually, it makes things worse, because it’s hard to act like a loving, happy person when you’re feeling like a bad person.”

Um…what if you are a bad person? Are all the people reading Dr. Markham’s article Good People? Can we not countenance the idea that sometimes parents do bad things? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there is no such thing as a Good Person. Even the very best people sometimes are mean to their children, are short with them, don’t notice the things they should notice, don’t discipline when they should, aren’t kind when they should be kind. And that’s Just parenting. What about all the other realms of life where you can be a real jerk? As my child said to me last night, after being unkind to a younger sister, “Being a jerk is an essential part of my nature.” I didn’t tell her she was wrong. The Bible totally agrees with her. From her mother’s womb (that’s mine) she has been oriented away from God and towards herself.

Consider the incredible burden that this kind of foolish radical self care nonsense puts on the individual person. You cannot stop and acknowledge the reality of yourself as a sinner, as someone who doesn’t properly care not only for others, but also for herself. You have to Feel Good, all the time, be vibrant and energetic even when you have done something rotten to someone else. That is a cruel burden to put on anyone, let alone a mother.

Being able to turn to God “Who Cares For You” and admit that you aren’t good enough, aren’t smart enough, aren’t patient enough, aren’t vibrant enough, aren’t energetic enough, aren’t loving enough, aren’t kind enough, that you don’t pray enough, don’t care about others enough, and that you don’t even know how to beat your own way out of your own laundry room, and then have that God “Who Cares For You” apply the precious blood of his very own Son to do away with all that lack, all that failure, all that sin, so that you can go free and clear into the Day–that is Radical.

Dr. Markham doesn’t agree with me (mercifully she doesn’t even know who I am). She writes,
“The secret is radical self-care. What do I mean by radical? I mean not just tending to yourself after everyone else’s needs are met. I mean actually moving self-care high up on your priority list. I mean overwhelming yourself with love and appreciation. Because that’s the only way you can be the happy, patient, unconditionally loving parent your child deserves.”

Really? Overwhelm Yourself with love and appreciation? What if you can’t? Aren’t you already having a hard time taking care of your kids because you’re a failure at self care? Wouldn’t it be nicer to have Someone Else love you, even when, and especially when you couldn’t love yourself? Again, Care is a much nicer concept when we think about it as something we do for others. If you care for someone, that’s really beautiful.

Actually the most beautiful kind of caring I’ve seen in a long time was a group of sisters gathered around their mother as she lay dying. They had her bed in a gently lit room. They sat all around her and talked to her, even though she couldn’t hear them any more. They put ice her lips. They held her hand. She couldn’t have done any of that for herself. But they loved her, and so they cared for her. And then they were exhausted and heir husbands came and cared for them–bringing food, holding heir hands, standing around trying to be helpful.

If you have to hold yourself together, cheerful and vibrant the live long day, you really won’t be able to see the incredible caring love of God who spared Nothing, who gave Everything to take care of you into eternity. The very best, the most radical self care is flinging yourself down on his mercy, clinging on to the hard, splintered wood of the cross, to finally let Him care for you because you were unable to do it yourself.

At that moment he turns your heart back towards himself. Then, healed, alive, breathing, you can turn your attention towards others. It’s the only way. It’s the best way. It’s the Caring way.

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