7 Takes to a Happy Christmas

Last updated on: December 23, 2016 at 9:18 am by Anne Kennedy

7 Takes to a Happy Christmas 2016-12-23T09:18:27-04:00 Anne Kennedy

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One
It’s super apocalyptic to be reading Jonah and Revelation at the same time in these last days before Christmas. You know why there have to be seven takes and not six? Because Six is the Number of Man Baby! That’s why!
Sorry, sorry, but seriously, I have so much to do today I’m probably going to end up in an ash heap along with Job, waiting to be yelled at by the jerk Elihu. I swear, if one more person “takes up his discourse”….maybe I should go read some Luke.
Two
I was, because I’m an idiot, thinking about painting my kitchen today, because I thought it would look nice for Christmas. Fortunately, while I was flailed out on the sacristy floor testing all the little fake lights for the children to hold during the Christmas Pageant, it occurred to me that painting the kitchen, of all rooms, the day before Christmas Eve, would be the height of stupidity. Instead, it dawned on me, I should make all the food required for Christmas. Somehow, though, now that the thought of paint has entered my consciousness, I don’t feel like I Can cook in an unpainted room.
Three
But really, I’m not going to. Paint I mean. I’m going to do all the laundry, clean the school room, start bread dough, do up a persimmon pudding, run out to one more store, wrap all the wretched presents, clean the rest of the house, tell a child every three seconds what day it is and how many more days till Christmas, and lament the Day of my birth. I mean, I’m not really sorry that I was born, not in a true abiding sense. But truly in a superficial Why Does The House Have To Always Be So Dirty Way. It could be worse, though, and it’s not, and I’ll tell you why.
Four
The reason Christmas isn’t that bad for me is that long long ago, in a fit of blinding intelligence, I discovered the Magic of Epiphany. That goes like this. See, there were some kings who brought gifts to Jesus at some point after his birth. They did not arrive on the Day of his Birth, mercifully, they arrived Some Time Later. For our purposes, January 6. So I don’t give presents to everyone in my life on Christmas. I cope with the children, at Christmas, and I leave everyone else that I love and am grateful for for Epiphany. And what that means is that after all the rush and flutter has died down, I have essentially two weeks to calmly and methodically make little presents and write cards and fuss around with ribbon and stuff. That’s the magic of Epiphany. So if you gave me a nice present this week, what I said, most breathlessly, was, “Thank You! I don’t do Christmas! I do Epiphany!”
Five
On Christmas Eve I’m going to make some kind of fish stew for Luncheon. Don’t know what exactly. Hopefully something gorgeous and unforgettable–in the right way. I have felt for many years that we Ought to be doing fish on Christmas Eve, because Italy? I’m not sure why I have this feeling. Usually we don’t eat anything. We just go to church and the children cry and complain all day. But because of the institution of luncheon and the abandonment of supper we all get to eat something real. I have a dizzying array of seafood in my freezer so I’m expecting it, whatever it is, to be completely awesome.
Six
Another flash of brilliance was a few years ago having the children draw each other’s names. They wanted to give presents to each other but, as you can imagine, such an undertaking is pretty daunting. So they draw names, and then last year Matt and I added ourselves in. Trouble is, that’s six children who have to acquire something special for someone. It’s not a problem for me, of course, because I have the use of a car. But they are not so fortunate. Why don’t they make something? you ask. To which I say, very calmly, AGH. We’ve done that. Everyone fashioning little clay figures or painting little bird houses or cutting out felt or in some other way driving themselves and me crazy. Plus then you’re stuck with some strange item that you have to treasure forever. Maybe if I was, as they say, “crafty”. No, it’s better to run the children out in shifts with their own money burning holes in their purses and Star Wars wallets. Even better, is doing it at The Very Last Minute. I try every year to point out a that there are twelve days of Christmas but they all look at me like they can hear some kind of sound but they don’t know what it is or where it is coming from.
Seven
So I hope you all have a lovely day! I’m probably going to take Christmas off from writing. (I know! Crazy!) I’ll probably do my Sunday thing, whatever that is, on Saturday, and take Sunday, and even maybe Monday off. It’s very likely we won’t climb the high mountain of a podcast. Probably I’ll spend Monday painting my kitchen. Go check out more and better takes!

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God, Santa, and the Dog's Bum

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